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This thread was created on June 7, 2008
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Topic ID: 31241
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Krupp
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 281
Reviews: 88
Country: Where US elections and election enthusiasts won't bother me...
392 Points
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 Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject: Life Story |
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(Verse 1)
In the end
is the struggle worth the prize you always seek
Nevermind
What does it matter anymore
No one ever wins the prize at the end of time
Has it been
We are divided up in numbers unforeseen
Strictly meant for processing
I can’t understand what we’re meant to be
And yet there’s still a light
(Chorus 1)
Somebody here knows my face
Greater wisdom takes its place
Overstepped my burdens
Never to hold this grace
Have I been abandoned to this desolate rejection
What have I done to myself
I cannot fathom this terrible mistake
(Verse 2)
Bested again
Never held the key just found the lock
It never opens
Taunting me even when I dream
So I have turned on myself again
Going in circles
Does it ever end
Probably not because it always welcomes
An escape
Perhaps when we’re gone
I’ll get the answers I’ve always needed to hear
(Chorus 2)
Somebody here knows my soul
Uncontrollable spasms in my life have grown
Now I’ve made things worse
Spitting at everything I’ve loved
How is it that I’ve lost a hold
On what used to be my own
I cannot fathom my mistakes
(Bridge)
And so it ends/
With a bang we’ll hear this tale again and again
As we all stand in line
Await our tales laid bare
When mine is read
I certainly hope I become a hero |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
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Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1507
Reviews: 484
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695 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:05 am Post subject: |
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Firstly I'd like to say, I quite liked this. Pats of it could use some work, but there were other parts that hit me and just said, this person is great! And I really liked what you're saying. Now, onto my critique!
(Verse 1)
Verse on was sometimes good, but sometimes it needd work. Your structure was dd, and I had trouble fitting a tun to it. Take this bit for instance:
| Quote: |
In the end
is the struggle worth the prize you always seek |
This didn't work for me. The first line is completely different to the second, and I couldn't make it fit. Right now I don't think you're writing with a beat in mind, but as I read on, you seem too.
I think you should shorten the second line, make it fit a bit better.
| Quote: |
Has it been
We are divided up in numbers unforeseen |
This part, however, worked very well for me. Good beat, good words. Perfect!
(Chorus 1)
I don't have any problems with this bit. I think it's the strongest bit of the song, and you pulled it off really nicely.
(Verse 2)
Really I'd just be repeating what I said in Verse 1. A couple of bits are good, but overall it needs work. I think this bit:
| Quote: |
Bested again
Never held the key just found the lock
It never opens
Taunting me even when I dream |
would have been beter if there was a slight rhyme between lock and dream. I'd change it so that there's something there, because right now it's not working.
(Chorus 2)
Again, good. Not as good at the first chors, but still good. I especially liked this bit:
| Quote: |
Spitting at everything I’ve loved
How is it that I’ve lost a hold
On what used to be my own
I cannot fathom my mistakes |
Bridge
Not so sure of this bit. I think it could use some work, just to make it flow a bit better.
Overall, very nice. Have you got any other sogs up? I'll have a look, because I'd love to see some more.
Good job! |
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| This thread was created on June 7, 2008 |
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