Topic ID: 31236
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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 Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 12:32 pm Post subject: Silver Medal Spirit |
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It’s a bitter kiss of fate,
a low blow once received,
It’s as bitter as a salty sting,
after all that you’ve achieved.
It aches in groans of millions,
but screams inside your own.
You’ve came in second place,
failed to reap what you’ve sown.
Disappointment, that sickening swoop,
of the bird called chance is all too much to take.
And you feel that ever envisioning winning,
was your spirit’s biggest mistake.
The winner may take it all,
but what comfort can the runner up hold?
Forget condolences and pats on the back.
It’s worthless what you’re told.
But for a soul that’s bruised and battered
It’s insides broken and hope debating,
to dust the embers of losing off and
rise again, is a champion simply waiting.
Waiting to fight for that moment,
when the crowds will forget the time,
when losing was ever their name, and
simply listen to their victory chime. |
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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This, to me, is a brilliant representation of the disappoints of failure and life in general. This is a topic that really can appeal to many people, so conceptually I thought you were right on the money. Overall, how you constructed the poem was good, the rhymes weren't horribly forced and I feel every stanza contributed in a way. Imagery was nice too.
One stanza I had a problem with was the third, but I thought the first and second stanzas as well as the other ones were fantastic.
| Quote: |
Disappointment, that sickening swoop,
of the bird called chance is all too much to take.
And you feel that ever envisioning winning,
was your spirit’s biggest mistake. |
I think the second line of that stanza is a little "iffy", I think it falls off the rhythm a tad. I have the same feelings with the third. Unfortunately I have no idea how to cut them down without taking away the meaning.
But the good news is that stanza was the only problem I had with the poem. Well done! *stars* |
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elephantwalrus
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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This is a nice poem! It has really nice themes.
The biggest distraction in this poem is that the rhythm isn't always constant. Read through it out loud, and you'll be able to see with lines trip the reader.
My only other suggestion is in this stanza:
| Quote: |
It’s a bitter kiss of fate,
a low blow once received,
It’s as bitter as a salty sting,
after all that you’ve achieved. |
Use word variety: don't use "bitter" twice.
All in all, nicely done. PM me if you have questions!
River |
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kris
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: |
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What's the crack then? eh?
|Right lets get to it.
Swish poetry! This was brilliant. I can clearly relate to the message within this poem. We have all had that bitter lump of defeat, and this poem speaks about that feeling in a very frank and stirring way.
I really rather enjoyed the flow of the piece, it was very smooth - along with the confident rhythm that you constructed. The rhymes too, were fantastic ^^ so clever hehehe 
I know that this is uselss to you, but i don't see any faults worth mentioning. Other than the word variations, but that is by the by.
Anyway, this is bleedin' brill.
***~The Magnificent, serene ruler and first emperor of the mood~***
_-_-_-KRIS-_-_-_ |
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 6:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Eimear!
Great poem; I'm sure everyone can relate to the feelings of disappointment and regret in this piece.
You have some really wonderful imagery:
"Disappointment, that sickening swoop
of a bird called chance is too much to take."
However, some of your stanzas could do with some serious re-jigging. I found the fifth stanza particularly problematic:
"But for a soul that’s bruised and battered
Its insides broken and hope debating, what do you mean by this?
to dust offthe embers of losing and
rise again, is a champion simply (cut the adverb out) waiting."
You also had commas where there should either be semi-colons or full stops in several places.
In my opinion, the material is great but a bit of proofreading could go a long way!
Good work. Nice job!
Gahks
8/10 |
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Novelism
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 7:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hello Eimear, nice to meet you!
| Quote: |
The winner may take it all,
but what comfort can the runner up hold? |
I know you are supposed to be taking a clichéd phrase, but you have morphed it with a single a syllable, and the fluidity id broken. Also, the second line has far too many syllables, and, to speak, beats around the bush. I recommend a rephrase, how about:
If the winner takes all,
what comfort may second place hold?
Not perfect, but a simple edit perhaps.
The ending was fantastic here.
Anyhow, I loved this poem and sorry, I can't offer much concrit. Whenever you write a poem, be sure to take a break for a few moments before reading through, and checking whether the rhythm is working for you.
Good luck! |
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