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Only Boxes
Only Boxes
by JFW1415 in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on June 7, 2008
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

77
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 143
Reviews: 77
Country: A place where people aren't very smart.
400 Points
PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 6:10 am    Post subject: *Flagged for deletion* Reply with quote

Enormity of this story is in my portfolio, simply named 'Sourblood'. Get it now?! xD

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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.

Last edited by Sela Locke on Fri Jun 13, 2008 6:51 am; edited 2 times in total
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LittleBitCold   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

16
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 03 Jun 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 16
Country: somewhere over the rainbow
300 Points
PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
OH MY GOSH!! This was so exciting you cant stop yet!!

Delys reminds me of a vampire I read about in another book. He liked to get people drunk and then...do whatever they do. he was funny.

But I really like it. I like the way you put humor into it and dont make it all weird and depressed like most of the vampire stories..and i finally understand the title...

My only suggestion might be to explain a little more. How did she suddenly turn into a wolf? Does Es have magic that can turn other people in wolves? Or is Aslina a werewolf? I'm afriad I got confused at that part...

But otherwise I REALLY liked it!! I'll be waiting suspensefully for more...

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"Something I lost and something you found and something ye can only find after you've drowned."
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ChernobyllyInclined   View This User's Portfolio
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109
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 09 Apr 2008
Posts: 169
Reviews: 109
Country: Waiting for one
350 Points
PostPosted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Well, I liked it. I must say that you have done a better job of differentiating bad guys in this one. I see neither a Rick nor a Kayo anywhere nearby.

Even though I don't usually have much humor in my stories - or if I do it's cruel and unusual - I still appreciate yours...it never fails to make me laugh. Even if it's in an unwilling manner.

I would still suggest slowing down a little. The pace is better then Rick and Kayo and definitely better than Jec and Tyl, but there are still things that need to be cleared up. I agree with littebitcold on ONE particular comment. There needs to be more explanation for the sudden wolf-changing thing.

Other than that; good.

Here's a few problematitudes that you can fix up fairly easily.


Quote:
“Yes, if you’d like to know, it is all your fault.” Es said calmly

Comma after 'fault'.

Quote:
“We’re finally there! Thanks to De-De- him, we got here much too late to see Father. But it wasn’t my fault.” Es quickly added

Comma again.

Quote:
“Shut your mouth before you open it.” She snapped

Comma again.

Quote:
“I’ll bring some lunch. Just stay there, alright?” She rushed away

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"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."
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Sela Locke   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

77
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 143
Reviews: 77
Country: A place where people aren't very smart.
400 Points
PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Wow Nu, you actually took a turn being the nitpicker. It becomes you nicely. xD

I will fix dese things soon, but in the meantime, put up more 'Ever Happily'!!!


And Little - what should I call you? o_o; - thanks again. Yes, Es is a were-wolf. Were-wolves just look like normal wolves, only stronger and faster. =D

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The voice was annoying, like someone she knew and didn’t particularly like was poking her with a sharp stick.
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This thread was created on June 7, 2008

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