Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
The method of madness
The method of madness

by melkor in Action/Adventure Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on June 7, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


The Séance Goto page 1, 2  Next

Topic ID: 31233
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
Pokémon! Gotta catch 'em all!
Master of the Forum

615
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1720
Reviews: 615
Country: USA
937 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 5:48 am    Post subject: The Séance Reply with quote

I absolutely love scary stories. I've attempted a few in my writings, but I've never had a full out horror story. I hope this can pull out to be one. I think that I'm not going to be finished with this one piece. There will probably be five others like this (there are seven characters in all).

Anyway, I hope you guys like it!

_

Séance [Sé-ance] –noun

1. A meeting in which a spiritualist attempts to communicate with the spirits of the dead.

It was my fifteenth birthday, and my friend had given me a Ouija board. The board itself was unique: It opened up like a board game and had letters from A through Z strewn across it. The letters were green and large. There were the numbers one through nine below the letters, and each one of the numbers was colored a different color. On the top right corner of the cardboard game was the word “Yes”. Directly opposite from it was the word “No”.

I thought it was a dumb board game—the kind that Sam had always given me for my birthday. Hadn’t last year’s been Scrabble or something of the sort? I remembered trashing it the next day. I didn’t play board games and wondered why Sam gave me one every year.

There were seven of us at my birthday party. Lillian sat closest to myself, and Sam was on my other side. Steve was across from me and he was curling Jen’s long, brown hair. Roger was sitting on the right of Steve and the left of Sam. Brianne was sitting in-between Lillian and Jen.

In short: we were circled around the ominous looking board.

“How do we play?” Steve asked and combed his fingers through Jen’s hair. He looked at Sam, expecting an answer.

Sam replied: “Well, I dunno. Read the instructions. They’re in the box, aren’t they?” He looked at me, and I rolled my eyes. I reached into the box the Ouija board came with and pulled out a pamphlet of directions.

“I don’t want to read them,” I muttered and threw them to Roger. He smiled, glad to be included. Roger slid his glasses up his nose and read with a loud voice:

“The Ouija board is a medium used (if correctly) to converse with the departed spirits and souls.”

He stopped reading and his beady eyes flitted to Sam.

“Sam, what did you buy?”

Sam shrugged. “It seemed like a fun game. I dunno what it is. Just keep reading.”

“Did you understand what I just read?” he asked the group. I bit my lip and shook my head.

“The Ouija board is used to talk to dead people,” Roger stated plainly with raised eyebrows. “None of you find that a little bit creepy?”

I snorted. “So, Sam, I hear you brought me a telephone to talk to people in Hell.” Everyone in the group laughed, including Sam. I rolled my eyes. “Keep reading, Roger.”

Roger sighed and read, “The Ouija board is a medium used (if correctly) to converse with the departed souls and spirits. Please follow the instructions carefully.

“First, lay out the Ouija board as shown in Diagram One. Then place the white marker on the letter Q, making sure that the clear window allows the letter to show.”

“What marker…?” I dug inside of the box again and withdrew a white triangle. In the very middle was a clear plastic square. Without hesitation, I placed it on the letter Q. Roger’s eyes went back to the instructions.

“Second, have all members place all of their fingers on the marker. Be sure that it is completely quiet before the séance begins.”

“What does séance mean?” Brianne asked, tugging at her shirt. Her expression was hard and cold, like she wasn’t going to participate without a solid explanation of what she was doing.

“Uh,” Sam said, “it’s like a thing where you talk to ghosts and stuff.”

“Like this Ouija board?” she asked, her face scrunching up. Her blonde hair was thrown over her shoulders, revealing a surprising amount of chest.

“Um, no. The board is just a medium—or a way—to talk to the dead people. A séance is where we actually do the talking,” Sam explained. I nodded; it was beginning to make sense.

In a terrifying, morbid way.

“So,” Steve asked, “does this thing really work? Are we actually gonna talk to dead people?”

“I doubt it,” Roger muttered. “There’s no scientific evidence that could support that theory—”

“Oh, screw the science, Roger,” Lillian said and placed her arm on my shoulder. I smiled. “Who cares if it’s gonna work or not? Let’s just play the game!”

“It’s not a game, Lillian,” Roger said and looked back at the instructions. “No more interruptions this time, please.

“Be sure that it is completely quiet before the séance begins. Have a departed soul in mind before you begin asking questions.

“Third, use a candle for light. Lightness in a room will less likely attract spirits. One candle is all the light needed.

“Fourth, start the séance by asking, ‘Are there any spirits with us today who would like to converse?’. If there are available spirits, they will move the marker to the ‘Yes’ on the board.

“Fifth, begin gradually asking questions. The marker will move to each letter as the spirit directs it.

“Warning: this is not a toy, nor a game. Use with caution.”

Roger flipped over the page and then glanced up at me. “It goes on to explain the history of the board, but I don’t want to read it. Can we start? Or does anyone want to leave now?”

No one raised his or her hands.

“If you do, I’ll go with you,” he whispered. He looked around the group desperately. “Please?”

“Roger, tough it up,” Steve said. Then he looked at me. “Let’s start.”

“Well,” Jen said, “don’t we need the candle?”

“Oh yeah.” I nodded and stood up. “I think I have one in my room. Let me go check. Ah, and we also need someone dead. Like, you know, to think about. Think of one before I get back.”

I walked out of the living room that we were in. My house was dark and quiet. My parents were downstairs doing something, and my friends and I decided to stay upstairs. I headed towards my room and entered it.

It was nearly midnight. My alarm clock’s red digits were bright and bold. I flipped on the lights and grabbed my candle sitting on my desk. The wick was almost burned out, but it would do for another ten minutes.

“Matches,” I whispered. I ran past the living room, where my friends were, and slid on the kitchen floor with my socks. I opened a drawer and grabbed a box of matches.

When I came back to the living room, I asked, “Picked someone yet?” Lillian smiled and nodded.

“Yeah. My grandma,” Lillian stated. I bit my lip. I knew it was going to get a little awkward.

“Okay,” I said, holding out the latter part of the word. I quickly sat down next to Lillian. She smiled warmly and placed her hands on mine.

“Do you have the candle?” Jen asked. I nodded and sat it on the board in-between the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. Then I whipped out the matches and struck one, igniting it. I lit the candle and blew out the flame on the match.

“Are we ready?” Brianne asked. She looked around the group. Roger was the one that shook his head.

“Nope. We have to turn out the lights. I’ll get it,” he whispered and jumped up. When he sat back down, the candle was the only light. Everyone’s face was covered in dancing shadows.

“Okay, so now we have to think about Lillian’s grandma,” Sam whispered.

“How are we supposed to think about her? We didn’t know her!” Steve said.

I glanced at Lillian and she said, “Well, I guess I can tell you a little bit about her. You know, just so you can get a better image of what she was like. Okay. Grandma was really old.” I snickered, and Lillian nudged me. “She was really old. She was getting close to her hundreds by the time she finally passed away.

“I had some memories with her. Every time I think about her, I get these chills. It’s difficult to explain. I just feel like she’s always with me. Everywhere I go and everything I do. I can feel her.”

“That’s kinda creepy,” Sam muttered and everyone laughed quietly.

“Shh,” I whispered and looked back at Lillian.

“There was this one time when I was making chocolate chip cookies. I was screwing up a lot. I didn’t measure anything correctly, but she never yelled at me once. I remember feeling so bad afterwards. I had ruined Grandma’s cookies. I don’t think I ever forgave myself.

“There was this other time before she died. She lived in this hospital place for old people. Grandma lived next to this really old man who had so many liver spots that it was all you could see. Anyway, Grandma used to visit the old man every day. They used to talk about lots of stuff. I remember her telling me all about her conversations. They were so sweet and tender that I just wanted to give her a hug. She was such a nice lady.

“The old man died shortly before she did.”

The candle flickered. Everyone’s eyes froze on the dancing light.

“Did you see that?” Sam whispered.

No one replied.

I gulped and bit my lip again. This wasn’t right. None of this was right. Talking to dead people? What was I thinking? I needed to toss this board game away just like I had done with all of the others.

I remained still.

“Um, anyway,” Lillian continued, but Roger interrupted.

“No, I think we know enough. Let’s just get this game over with. I’m getting the chill—”

The candle flickered again. My mouth hung open. I felt Lillian squeeze my hand. I squeezed back.

Jen was shivering and Brianne was motionless. Roger, Steve and Sam were all staring at the candle.

Nothing happened.

Roger shifted on the floor and picked up the instructions. I eyed him and shivered. I was getting cold in the dark.

“Um,” he whispered, “are there any spirits with us today who would like to converse?”

“Our hands,” Sam muttered. “Our hands have to be on the marker!” He quickly placed his hands on the white triangle and looked into Steve’s eyes. “Come on. Are we going to do this?”

Steve knew better than to chicken out. He slid his hands across the board and rested them on the marker. Jen followed suit.

Lillian nudged me as she laid her fingertips on the marker. I looked into Brianne’s eyes, and she nodded. Her hands were placed on the marker.

I was the only one left.

“Come on, Richard,” Sam urged. I bit my lip and twisted my finger, cracking it. Then I slowly put my hands on the white marker.

Roger tried again: “Are there any spirits with us today who would like to converse?”

We waited.

I bit my lip harder.

The candle flickered.

Lillian was shaking.

I was too.

I didn’t even feel the marker slowly glide across the board. I heard my friends gasp as it rested on one word:

Yes.

_


_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!


Last edited by BigBadBear on Sat Jun 07, 2008 8:04 pm; edited 2 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
thething912   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

103
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 439
Reviews: 103
Country: America
300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 3:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! I actually finished reading a long story. Usually my ADD prevents that. Anyway, is there more to this? Because I would like to read. I like how you picked something interesting to talk about. I think you should tell us what happended next though.

_________________
Check out my website for my Photography.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
the One and Only!
Master of the Forum

466
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Nov 2006
Posts: 1042
Reviews: 466
Country: Candyland
945 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

3B! It makes me happy you posted in my review thread 'cause I was going to read this anyway. Laughing I just enjoy your writing that much. *stretches arms out* Thaaat much.

Ay-ney-way!

Grammar and First Impressions

Quote:
Séance [Sé-ance] –noun

1. A meeting in which a spiritualist attempts to communicate with the spirits of the dead.


I don't know if you do this as a part of your writing or just for YWS' sake, but I really like it. Very Happy

Quote:
It was my fifteenth birthday, and my friend had given me an a Ouija board.


Though Ouija starts with an O, it makes a W sound. Seeing as W is a consonant, the article should reflect off the W -- not the O -- and make the word a. Very Happy

Quote:
The board itself was unique: it It opened up like a board game and had letters from A through Z strewn across it.


I never correct colons like this! I'm so happy right now! Very Happy

Okay, so the colon can be used in front of summary sentences (just as you have done here), but the summary sentence [the underlined sentence] is a sentence and, therefore, the first letter is capitalized. Very Happy

Oh, that made me happy! ^_^

Quote:
He looked at me, and I rolled my eyes. I reached into the box the Ouija board came with, [no comma] and pulled out a pamphlet of directions.


This just makes life easy for me! Very Happy

The first sentence uses one of the FANBOYS [and in this case], and there is an independent clause on each side of the and. This means that it gets a comma in front of it. ^^

The second sentence also uses one of the FANBOYS [and in this case], and there is a dependent clause on the second side of the and; there fore, there is no comma with the and.

You probably already knew this, but I like to explain myself a lot. Laughing

Quote:
“First, lay out the Ouija board as shown in Diagram One. Then place the white marker on the letter Q, making sure that the clear window allows the letter to show.”


This quote is just here to bookmark my suggestion, but I was wondering about what he was reading. Since he's not reading it himself (He's reading something someone else wrote, yes?), should there be single quotes around the directions he's reading? As well as the quotation marks of course. "'First, lay out...the letter to show.'" It looks crazy, but I think it should do that. It's kind of like citing your sources. Very Happy

Quote:
“Warning: this is not a toy, [no comma] nor a game. Use with caution.”


Nor is a FANBOYS! A game is not an independent clause, and therefore, there is no comma needed. Very Happy

Quote:
“Well,” Jen said, “Don’t don't we need the candle?”


I think you know this rule already. If the sentence is continued after the tag, then the word is lowercased [like I just did]. If it's a new sentence, then it should be capitalized, but there should be a period after the tag as well. Smile

Quote:
My alarm clock’s red digits were bright and bold as they lit up.


I think that's just unnecessary filler. The alarm clock's digits should always be lit up, even in the daytime. Very Happy

Quote:
I nodded and sat it on the board, [no comma] in-between the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’.


This is an unnecessary comma. ^^ If you take out the comma, it still means the same thing, so why is it there? Wink

Quote:
“Um,” he whispered, “Are there any spirits with us today who would like to converse?”


Another tag issue. I've pointed out the rule already, so it's up to you. Are the phrases connected? Or separate sentences? Wink

Quote:
I looked into Brianne’s eyes, and she nodded.


There are independent clauses on either side of the FANBOYS, so a comma is needed. ^_^

Characters

You did well with the characters! I hardly have any complaints! Your dialogue made them so realistic as well as their actions. I couldn't help but connect with them. I felt like one of them 'cause I'm a teenager too. I'd be like, Yeah, we'd do that! Lol!

There were a couple characters you did well characterizing in just a sentence or two I wanted to point out:

Quote:
“I don’t want to read them,” I muttered and threw them to Roger. He smiled, glad to be included. Roger slid his glasses up his nose and read with a loud voice:


Oh em gee, this was amazing characterization for Roger! It's just perfect! I loved it, and it made me laugh. I'm such a bad person [hence the laugh], but I really loved it. Very Happy

Quote:
“Like this Ouija board?” she asked, her face scrunching up. Her blonde hair was thrown over her shoulders, revealing a surprising amount of chest.


This was good for Brianne too. Laughing It made me snort; it was really good. ^^

Brianne and Jen just seemed kind of there. Jen seemed like Steve's girlfriend, so maybe that's why she was there? Or maybe she was friends with the MC, she just didn't play much of a role here? I think a little more of her would be good. Brianne had just enough for us to know what she's like. Jen's just kind of sitting there.

Sam and the MC were funny, lol. They both are kind of jokesters, so the little puns and funnies they through out there made even me, the reader, laugh.

Lillian seemed to be there to recommend a dead person and for the MC. She didn't play much of a role till they needed a dead person, and then she opened up by telling a story about her and her grandma.

Quote:
“Oh, screw the science, Roger,” Lillian said and placed her arm on my shoulder. I smiled. “Who cares if it’s gonna work or not? Let’s just play the game!”


This was her only part till she thought of Grandma. I know you have a lot of people around the table, and they have to take turns, but I think just a little characterization like the placed her arm on my shoulder can do some for her. ^^

I think Roger was my favorite, though. He was a geeky science dude. He made me giggle. Very Happy

Overall, your characters were awesome. Hardly any complaints from me! Smile

Plot

It just kept going, and it kept me hooked. It was amazing. I didn't know how it would end, and really, none of us do. That lovely cliffhanger at the end was all that was needed for Jabber to get those goosebumps. Very, very nice! I don't think anymore is needed. You ended it just perfectly, leaving the reader's mind to wander as to what may have happened next.

Overall

So there's a series of these? And this is freaking amazing? The rest must be, like, ultra-amazing then! You just got me excited. Is this how you feel about my Shocks? Nah... That's nothing near as fantastic as this! You keep writing, and I'll keep reading. Very Happy

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

_________________
"I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
"I solemnly swear that I can right no gooder than u." -- Jabber

Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
HC   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

11
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 27 May 2008
Posts: 153
Reviews: 11

300 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was great, with lots of suspense at the end! It left me wanting more, much more!

A few things:

Quote:
It was my fifteenth birthday, and my friend had given me an Ouija board.


Should be 'given me a Ouija Board'.

Quote:
In short: we were circled around the ominous looking board.

This was a bit too know-it-all informative for my liking. Also, the paragraph before it was a bit tedious to read. Maybe cut it down a bit, or spread the description of where every one was sitting throughout the story.

Quote:
No one raised his or her hands.

No one raised their hands would fit better.

Quote:
I walked out of the living room that we were in. My house was dark and quiet. My parents were downstairs doing something, and my friends and I decided to stay upstairs. I headed towards my room and entered it.

It was nearly midnight. My alarm clock’s red digits were bright and bold as they lit up. I flipped on the lights and grabbed my candle sitting on my desk. The wick was almost burned out, but it would do for another ten minutes.

"Matches,” I whispered. I ran past the living room, where my friends were, and slid on the kitchen floor with my socks. I opened a drawer and grabbed a box of matches.


This confused me. The living room and kitchen were upstairs? If so, this should be made clearer. Because I presumed they would be downstairs, at least the kitchen, and this just confused me.

Quote:
Everyone’s face was covered in dancing shadows.

This is an awkward sentence. It may be better as "Everyone's face was dancing with shadows." or something similar.

Quote:
I glanced at Lillian and she said,

In my opinion, this may be better as "I glanced at Lillian, who said,"

Quote:
“There was this other time when she was almost dead.

Almost dead? It just sounds weird. Perhaps make it "when she was dying." or "just before she died." Almost died just sounds odd.

Quote:
Everyone’s eyes froze on the dancing light.

Consider changing. You've had the light dancing before.

Other than that, I really enjoyed this. Smile It's a good story, which held my attention well.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
You belong with me
Master of the Forum

692
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I must agree with you that I love scary stories too. But horror movies...I'm still if-y on Wink

But I thought yours was good. I think you could have made it even scarier, if you wanted. Like have her grandma appear or speak through Lillian or something.

I think you could have had a little more description. All this friends all seemed the same except Roger. Otherwise, they all sorted of blended together. You need to make each of them unique in some way.

Otherwise, I think you have a solid story here.

I would love to read more!

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
Pokémon! Gotta catch 'em all!
Master of the Forum

615
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1720
Reviews: 615
Country: USA
937 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 8:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you all so much for your help! This is all edited and pretty good so far. Again, thanks.

I believe the sequel will be named The Ouija Board.

-Jared

_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Kylan   View This User's Portfolio
how superior.
Master of the Forum

268
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 1089
Reviews: 268
Country: USA
372 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ooh. Very nice. You have me hooked, my friend!

I really enjoyed this. It was very Jared-esque. Simple in its delivery, but powerful nonetheless. Tight, taut, multi-layered, true to life. You really have to continue with this, Jared. I don't want it to become like three-quarters of everything else that's in your portfolio. This has some real potential.

There was only one thing in particular I found wrong with the plot. Ouiji boards are generally recognized - at least in religious circles - as a tool of the devil. Something that is more or less possessed by an evil spirit. I think that having one of the characters, possibly one of the girls, showing intense fear of the Ouiji board would add another dimension to your story, making it scarier and more realistic. Maybe have her start spouting a bunch of bible quotes and fire and brimstone. Really, just have her start freaking out. And seeing as everyone at the party all teenagers, her friends will no doubt press her into calming down and playing along through the delightful medium of peer pressure. Just a suggestion, though I do think the story would benefit immensly from such an addition.

Quote:
Lillian sat closest to myself,


A grammar note: 'Myself' should be 'me'.

Quote:
Steve was across from me and he was curling Jen’s long, brown hair. Roger was sitting on the right of Steve and the left of Sam. Brianne was sitting in-between Lillian and Jen.


You could easily cut this paragraph and just say that they were sitting in a circle like you did immediately afterwards. To begin with, this description is long-winded, empty, and somewhat confusing. Even though this story is already nice and lean, consider cutting this out and introducing the character's names another way.

Quote:
So, Sam, I hear you brought me a telephone to talk to people in Hell


A good line. But it could be made better. Consider, "So, Sam, I hear apparently you brought me a telephone to talk to people in Hell." Sounds a little better, no?

Anyway, I'm looking forward to part 2!

-Kylan

_________________
"'At's the shtuff! Give the friggin' world back to the friggin' people!"

~ Kurt Vonnegut

Got YWS?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum

406
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 867
Reviews: 406
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1374 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 3:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey BBB!!! How's life? My, we haven't talked in ages.
Well anyways...Wow. I can't believe I haven't read this before, this was amazing. I was really hooked from beginning to end. Your MC is believable, which is important in a story like this. Usually, writers tend to make the characters extremely err overly brave and here that is not the point...which is good. I'm looking forward to reading this series and hopefully I'll get to read your next installment soon.
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
XxxDo   View This User's Portfolio
Oh, life..
Novelist

88
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 29 Mar 2008
Posts: 385
Reviews: 88
Country: Switzerland and The Netherlands
424 Points

PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 10:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there, Teddy Wink

I enjoyed the story, it was really cool! I really liked the topic, with the Ouija board and the mystery. It was awesome.

I hope my review helps, and don't hesitate to PM me if you want to know anything more about Ouija boards or Wicca, and all that, because I used to be quite involved in all that stuff when I was younger. It faded, for the most part, but a part of me still believes that we're not alone in this world Smile omg I sound like a creep haha !

I'm off to read part 2 now, as I promised in chat XD

XxxDo


Review for Teddy.doc
 Description:
Here it is

Download
 Filename:  Review for Teddy.doc
 Filesize:  41 KB
 Downloaded:  16 Time(s)


_________________
I love NaNoWriMo ^^ it is the absolute awesomeness.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
Alainna   View This User's Portfolio
I am a mountain, I am the sea
Master of the Forum

405
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 1717
Reviews: 405
Country: England
353 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 2:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Right, I'm here and ready to get cracking.

First off, I did like this. I was a bit sceptical when I saw that it was meant to be a horror of sorts, but you pulled it off. Well done.


Quote:
It was my fifteenth birthday, and my friend had given me a Ouija board.


Idea = great. Thing is, I know a little about Ouija boards and I'm pretty sure you can't just walk into a shop and get one. Over here I think it's either illegal or severely frowned upon to sell them (this was after the '70's, when a lot of murders etc were blamed on the use of Ouija boards which supposedly told the murderers to go out and kill certain people.). However, at no point do we know when your story is set or where even. I presume that it is America. What I would suggest is that you do some research. By finding out all the background info on not just Ouija boards but also seances and paranormal happenings, you may get a better insight on how to make your story more real. The more real to life a horror story is, the more terrifying it becomes.

Quote:
There were seven of us at my birthday party. Lillian sat closest to myself, and Sam was on my other side. Steve was across from me and he was curling Jen’s long, brown hair. Roger was sitting on the right of Steve and the left of Sam. Brianne was sitting in-between Lillian and Jen.
In short: we were circled around the ominous looking board.

I'm not too sure about this paragraph. It's a tad too much telling rather than showing and although it does work it drags the beginning down slightly. Perhaps try incorporating this in another way, cutting it down to only two or three lines?

Quote:
Sam shrugged. “It seemed like a fun game. I dunno what it is. Just keep reading.”

This is a good chance to expand on the reasoning behind the board or how he came to get it. Perhaps put in where he got it from (a yard sale, an actual shop, the internet) and maybe even have him comment on the fact that Richard threw his last gift away - perhaps say it looks more interesting than the Scrabble.

Quote:
Can we start? Or does anyone want to leave now?”

Roger almost completely contradicts himself here. He says 'Can we start' which sounds eager. Then, he goes on to say he wouldn't mind leaving. Perhaps have someone else ask to start and then have him say 'does anyone want to leave?'.

Quote:
I walked out of the living room that we were in. My house was dark and quiet. My parents were downstairs doing something, and my friends and I decided to stay upstairs. I headed towards my room and entered it.

AND
Quote:
I ran past the living room, where my friends were, and slid on the kitchen floor with my socks.

The layout of the house confuses me. They're upstairs, but the kitchen and living room are up there along with his bedroom? This needs sorting out. You could always say that they're in the 'play room' or something (which could set the scene even better as there might be a rocking chair in there with teddies and dolls etc) and have Richard run downstairs to the kitchen, with the excuse that the parents are watching TV in the living room, all the doors closed.

Quote:
She lived in this hospital place for old people.

This makes Lillian seem much younger than 15. Perhaps say 'Old people's home' or 'hospice'.

Quote:
I didn’t even feel the marker slowly glide across the board. I heard my friends gasp as it rested on one word:
Yes

Very good.

Overall

I think this is going somewhere and I liked the plot a lot. Your characters could do with a bit more detail - we know a little about Brianna's hair but the rest are just blank faces mostly. Your suspense was good at the end and you could have benefited by putting in a little more of it at the beginning. I only started to read this as a horror about halfway through so you may want to set the scene a bit more.
Other than a few nit-picks this is shaping up very nicely.

All the best and don't stop writing,

Alainna
xxx

_________________
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?

Need a critique, fellow YWS-ers?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
ChurlishLassy   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

38

Age: 16
Joined: 13 Apr 2007
Posts: 91
Reviews: 38
Country: Ethiopia
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think the characters make sense unless you are going for unimaginative and cliche. Apparently, they are all pretty stupid, except Roger, a nerd with glasses, so why would Roger hang out with them, even if they are nice people? All the characters do sort of blend together, other than Roger, it is distracting from any scare that might be there.

_________________
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.

Go to heaven for the climate or hell for the company.

The clothes make the man, naked people have little or no effect on society.-Mark Twain
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Demeter   View This User's Portfolio
Goody-two-shoes
Master of the Forum

292
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 1062
Reviews: 292
Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
3579 Points

PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 10:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Jared! I noticed your story "The Ouija Board" as the Random Literature Piece and got interested by the title. Then I was doing something else, and forgot the title, but remembered it was catchy, so I went to your portfolio to check it out, and in there it said I should read this one first, so that's what I did. Smile *stops to take breath*


Quote:
Sam replied: “Well, I dunno. Read the instructions. They’re in the box, aren’t they?”


I believe you should start a new line for the dialogue.


The MC seems to bit his lip pretty often, huh? I hope it doesn't hurt him! Very Happy

This was very interesting. I hardly have anything to critique. In a way, I'm a little jealous to you! I mean, you're a year younger than me and still you have written so much and so well! You totally deserved to become an Instructor! Keep doing that!

I'll definitely go read the sequel.


Demeter xxx

_________________
While you were reading my signature, I took your wallet.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
It's elementary...
Speaker of the Forum

471
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 810
Reviews: 471
Country: Baker Street
650 Points

PostPosted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello there... I've seen this around many times but was always doing something else at that moment and so couldn't be spared, then I would forget. But now, I have made time just for you. Very Happy

Ooh, creepy. I'm Catholic, and, yeah, we think that this stuff is actually real (you are communing with some kind of spirit in the Ouija - maybe not the one you intended and pretty likely evil ones - but still), so it's pretty scary stuff.

I liked how the teens are blowing it off pretty much at the beginning, but they are sort of giving into the peer pressure and then, as the story progresses, they are really beginning to freak themselves out. It's real behavior and you captured it perfectly.

My only critique on that aspect would be that the characters all seem to run into one another. There are seven and none of them really get much of a moment in the spotlight. The only kid who I really remember is Roger and only because he had the sorta cliche "scientific" nerdy kid objection to the whole thing. I don't even remember much about the MC, even though he was the viewpoint character. I know that he didn't like boardgames and that was about it.

Very nice stuff. I'm off to read the sequel.

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling

_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love. ~me

Jareth/Sarah shipper...

Kickin' butt and not stopping to take wordcount. NaNo 2008! Read my novel here!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Prokaryote   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

99
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 74
Joined: 30 Dec 2006
Posts: 422
Reviews: 99

208 Points

PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 3:22 am    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

Quote:
The letters were green and large.


Those two adjectives can be shoved into the previous sentence without much trouble.

Quote:
There were seven of us at my birthday party. Lillian sat closest to myself, and Sam was on my other side. Steve was across from me and he was curling Jen’s long, brown hair. Roger was sitting on the right of Steve and the left of Sam. Brianne was sitting in-between Lillian and Jen.


Hm, seems pretty complicated...

Quote:
In short: we were circled around the ominous looking board.


What!? Why didn't you just tell me that in the first place? I'm not sure I needed to know the exact placement of everyone in the circle. Remember, a fast-paced story based on suspense needs as little fat as possible -- keep it lean by cutting out details that are told in a boring way or are irrelevant.

Quote:
I walked out of the living room that we were in.


If he walked out of the room, it's assumed that's where he was.

Quote:
"Yes".


Put the period within the quotation marks. Same thing with the "'No'." and any other instances.

Why does he have a candle in his room?

I'm not sure a group of teenagers would take an Ouija board quite as seriously as yours have. I'd think there'd be a lot more skepticism and laughing.

Tight, quick, fast-paced without skimping on atmospheric details. Good start.

Prokaryote

_________________
Horus -- pretty cool.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
coryab222   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

41
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Posts: 71
Reviews: 41
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right. Review time.

This was really good. I am honestly going to read the second and third one right after this. You got me hooked. You did awesome with adding just the right amount of details. I liked when you said that Richard slid into the kitchen with his socks, and how he bit his lip, cracked his finger, and put his hands on the marker.

Details were the best part of this, but your character development is going well, too. Keep going! Awesome job!

Expect reviews from me for your other pieces, too.

_________________
How hard can it be to just let go and drift away with the wind?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on June 7, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to: