Topic ID: 31222
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kris
Senior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 218
Reviews: 100
Country: UK
82 Points
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 10:42 pm Post subject: My problem with poetry |
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Sorry if it is terrible - but it explains it'self.
I sit and wonder how such things,
As prose, and sonnets or musings,
Can be styled from simple thought,
Without learning or being taught.
In my mind are scenes of old,
Penned with words most un-bold.
On and on I write to no surprise,
That a verse of worth do not arise.
Alas I concede as the facts appear,
That writing is my greatest fear. |
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Mathlete
Junior Writer
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Joined: 05 Jun 2008
Posts: 37
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Country: A secret underground hick-town in Texas known as MOLEVILLE
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
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I thought that it was pretty good. It had a definite rhythm to it, which can be hard to do well. I liked your word choice especially, but the rhymes themselves weren't the best. It had meaning to it as well, which made it much more enjoyable to read. There were a few typos in it that I noticed, but it wasn't that many.
| kris wrote: |
I sit and wonder how such things,
As prose,~Remove comma and sonnets, or musings,
Can be styled from simple thought,
Without learning or being taught.
In my mind are scenes of old,
Penned with words, most un-bold.
On and on I write to no surprise,
That a verse of worth does not arise.
Alas I concede as the facts appear,
That writing is my greatest fear. ~Great line! |
That was a good poem.  You are really a lot better at writing than you think you are! |
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Krupp
Novelist
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Posts: 379
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Country: Sunn O))) territory...
455 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:18 pm Post subject: |
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It's difficult (at least for me) to rhyme, so I have to give you credit for doing something that I rarely ever do.
WIth that said, the simplicity of this piece works fine, and I'm surprised for once that simplicity worked out well. Too often do I see pieces that try to be simple, and they turn out to be TOO simple, and the poem ineivetably staggers because of it.
However, this poem doesn't stagger. It works merely because the line of thought behind it is simple in nature.
And often more than not, that's what I really admire in writing. The simplest thought can open worlds. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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500 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 7:47 pm Post subject: |
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First tip- try not to explain your poetry. A famous poet once said 'Good poetry will explain itself' So now onto the poem. It's great that you've chosen something that will really reach out to the readers here. Write what you feel, after all, and you will yeild the best results.
| Quote: |
I sit and wonder how such things, 8 syllables
As prose, and sonnets or musings, (Full stop) 8 syllables
Can be styled from simple thought, 7 syllables here
Without learning or being taught. 8 syllables
In my mind are scenes of old, 7 syllables
Penned with words most un-bold. 6 syllables
On and on I write to no surprise, 9 syllables
That a verse of worth do(es) not arise. 9 syllables
Alas I concede as the facts appear, 9 syllables
That writing is my greatest fear. 8 syllables |
1. Rhythm- hence my big ugly syllables after each of your lines. It reads rather jumbled, although it's not a big problem and does not deviate greatly from your overall rhythm scheme. It just becomes hard to read every now and then aloud. No biggy- I would just suggest counting out the syllables in your lines when editing just to keep the flow tight. Sorry if I phrased that awkwardly, if you get what I mean then great- if you don't PM me and I will try another way.
2. The odd cliche- really not a big problem here, but just be careful. You've made this really orignal and the odd sentence is verging on mainstream 'to no surprise' reads without a lot of meaning to me on account of hearing it so many times.
3. The theme- was great. I loved it. And I especially loved the last line. It earns this piece a gold star. Well done.
Hope this helps,
Eimear |
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Save the dugongs!
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Country: A land from convicts, built. An earthen landscape, strewn with silt.
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 12:33 pm Post subject: |
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Two reasons why i like it. 1) It is not too long and easy to read. 2) It relates to something that many writers can understand and empathise with.
Some of your syllable counts were off in parts of it but it isn't a big thing.
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