Topic ID: 31221
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bunnie_i_am
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 47
Reviews: 15
200 Points
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 Posted: Thu Jun 19, 2008 6:03 am Post subject: |
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| It was okay.
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Last edited by bunnie_i_am on Sun Jun 22, 2008 5:04 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Whisperer
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 9
Country: Philippines
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:09 am Post subject: hehe |
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| elephantwalrus wrote: |
Whisperer: to answer your question, it did not happen in real life  . These characters are completely fictional, and the events are as well. I do use some of my friend's names, but other than that, everything is off the top of my head. |
Oh, sorry. I forgot this was really fiction but I really thought it could be nice in real life. I imagined really beautiful in real life
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You can start writing a chapter of your story when you at least try to write it even though you have not the ideas. |
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niccy_v
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 192
Reviews: 68
Country: Where the horses are
566 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:51 am Post subject: |
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A good story. Lots to improve on but hey this is why you're giving it to us to critique. I like where this story is going, but descriptions can be improved. Much too short in my opinion.
It's sort of funny and a relief like somebody said above when you mention the twizzler. I have no idea what a twizzler is (i'm australian) so maybe just me... but i do like the bit about the candy on her lips as she's kissing a boy who tastes sweet.
I can't wait for the next bit!
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| i hope that this works for you. if not pm me and i will send it another way. |
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Thirteen kisses -edit.doc |
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dianis97
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Jun 2008
Posts: 46
Reviews: 17
Country: somewhere in South America ;)
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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OMG! that was so cute  , you did an amazing job. I just want to keep reading the rest of it. I really like how you showed that your main character (don't know the name yet) wants to safe her first kiss for someone especial.
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“I’m sorry, dude,” I said, trying not to cry, “I can’t.”
I felt really bad for Luke, I was able to feel her fear to ruin an amazing friendship, but the way she was dying to kiss him because she really loved him
it was really cute, i really liked it, I have nothing bad to say about it
good job 
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Diana! |
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Luvzi12
Writer
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Age: 20
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 79
Reviews: 39
892 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: :D |
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| I thought it was really good, but was surprised of it being their first kiss at eighteen! In 2007! Maybe things are different in Colorado, but in the UK there's no one I know that would not have kissed someone by 18, but that's just an opinion and doesn't detract from the fact that this was a beautiful romantic piece. Congrats!
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omsvmars22
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 53
Reviews: 39
Country: America for three more years then it's "Hello Oxford!"
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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Okay, so it was really cute! I didn't really like that they were 18...I mean a twizzler? Maybe I am just a hopeless romantic.
There are a few grammar errors but other then that you have something really cute!
You give great details about their surroundings, you made me feel like I was actually there too!
Good Work, it can improve but your writing style is very good!
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It's not the face, but the expressions on it. It's not the voice, but what you say. It's not how you look in the body, but the things you do with it. You are beautiful.-------Ian O'Shea |
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colourless-rainbow
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 03 Jul 2008
Posts: 18
Reviews: 9
Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:19 pm Post subject: Re: Thirteen Kisses |
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| elephantwalrus wrote: |
A few minutes and a couple good laughs later, we stood. There was one Twizzler left. He split the nine intertwined strands, giving four for me, and taking five for himself. We consumed them as the hot Colorado sun started to flee the skies, casting orange light to aspens around us. I ate my candy fast, but Luke was a bit slower. |
Personally, I didn't like the word consumed, there. It feels a little too formal.
Otherwise, I loved it. It was really sweet without being cliché. Brilliant.
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I live life as I wobble =] |
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Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: wow! |
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| Gorgous settings and the scenery i could just imagine! The kiss is cute! Love it! Good characters!
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JADEREDNALIH
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 12
324 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 1:58 pm Post subject: Your story |
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| I really liked this one. The wind effect really put a new 'twist' into the story. I will definitely be reading your 'others'.
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NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THEY EFFECT ME UNTIL THEY READ MY WORK BECAUSE I WRITE MY FEELINGS IN EVERY POEM, SONG OR BOOK I WRITE. ... HALF OF MY HEART BELONGS TO ME...THE REST BELONGS TO MY READERS... |
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summergrl13
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 17 Feb 2008
Posts: 383
Reviews: 77
Country: USA
295 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Hmm, interesting piece. I especially liked how you notice that most people say that their first kiss 'was magical' and 'the most beautiful thing of my life', while she is reluctant to kiss someone too soon and didn't seem to greatly enjoy her first kiss too much. I thought it was great! I really don't have anything that needs changing. Keep it up! 0(o.o)0
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"Well, I'm half Italian, so on warped tour I got this really good tan and I was like, bummer." -Gerard Way
"I'm not a psycho... I just like psychotic things." -Gerard Way |
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Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: wow! |
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The scenery in this story is extrodianary! The dioloude is welll put together, and I love the romance between these two teens!
My only complaint is that I really want to know what you see the characters looking like. If theres a way you could fit and explanation into the story with bits and hints I would love that, but other then that this was captivating! Especailly the cute little twizzler kiss
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