Topic ID: 31219
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kris
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:31 pm Post subject: Lamentations of a heavy heart |
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I found you in fondest fields.
Dancing transcendence, divine.
With worries of ages bound to your spirit.
Spun like silk of deepest black.
Oh! supreme lover.
Love this lonely and loathsome fool.
I have lost all sense.
Fatigued by thought and possession.
The sun sets.
And the light transcends your dark beauty.
Dancing brings your hair to writhe in the midst of perfection.
Femenine waves - tempest.
The very presence of you.
Fills me with sweet burden.
From the want of your grace.
Intoxicated by the agony of longing. |
Last edited by kris on Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Cold And Broken Halleluja
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 11:30 pm Post subject: |
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Kudos to your impressive vocabulary. 
I loved this part:
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The sun sets.
And the light transcends your dark beauty.
Dancing brings your hair to writhe in the midst of perfection. |
I don't see how you could make this much better... perhaps some adjustments with the punctuation. I think there were some periods where they weren't needed. Nice work! |
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RandomGrrl
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:28 am Post subject: |
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Only one thing:
"longling" at the end = longing. Heh, very romantic. No complaints! This poem seemed to throb with love. I liked it.
*clicks gold star*
 RG |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 10:37 am Post subject: |
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I liked this as well. I was oddly enjoyable to read. However, a word of caution. It;s obvious from this piece that you can indeed use poetic devices and words very well, but be careful that you don't over-use and stray too far away from the theme in hand. You'll get lost and find it hard to bring the piece to a conclusion. And when you use vocabulary in the wrong context or just because you can, you will end up alienating the reader, and that's never good.
But very good
Eimear |
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Sonlen
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject: |
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| Yes, I saw the "longling" part too. Anyway, I think that this could make a great series of poems that tell the story of the characters, maybe something like, "The Highwayman"? This is great poetry. |
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kris
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:22 pm Post subject: |
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| oh my..i should really amend that typo :S am i allowed? |
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