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This thread was created on June 6, 2008
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| •Sight Fails |
Sight Fails
Topic ID: 31218
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jearjioe
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Dec 2006
Posts: 34
Reviews: 18
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: Sight Fails |
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Sight Fails
We're so wrapped up in our existence
Forgetting that which is important
What matters the most in our life
We quickly cast aside
Chorus
Our sight is failing,
We cannot see (cannot see)
We’re losing vision now
Hold on to everything
Don’t let it get away
Don’t let it slip away.
Verse 2
We walk away
From those who we love
We don't look back
What has become of us?!
Our path is lost
We stray away
From what we need
From what we need the most
Chorus
Verse 3
The time has come
To get our lives in line
To put others first
And cast aside our selfish desires
We aren’t the center of everything
But part of a larger thing
Breakdown/ solo (of a larger thing) (oh)
Our sight is fixed now
We can see (we can see)
We’ve regained our vision now
Holding on to everything
It won’t get away
It won’t slip away |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:04 am Post subject: |
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I can't say I loved this. It lacks emotion. You might not be writing a story, but you're still sort-of telling one. You need to make the reader/listener think, make them care. This just didn't do it for me. Now, onto your actual song...
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| Forgetting that which is important |
That which? Why is that in here? What does it mean? Is it just a silly mistake, because right now I can't see what else it could be.
| Quote: |
What matters the most in our life
We quickly cast aside |
This bit is good. Nice rhythm, strong message. Good job!
Your chorus is good. I like the beginning our lines, but your last bit:
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Don’t let it get away
Don’t let it slip away. |
just doesn't work for me. It needs to be longer. Extend the chorus a bit, and it'll be really good.
| Quote: |
| Breakdown/ solo (of a larger thing) (oh) |
Unless there's an actual recording of this song, I don't really think this bit is needed. I'd get rid of it.
The rest of it is okay. It's not a brilliant song. Your writing and structure isn't bad, I just think what you're saying and how you're saying it could be improved.
Good luck! |
_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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lit-chick-4evva
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Jun 2008
Posts: 15
Reviews: 7
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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I particularly enjoyed this. 
I think it's great the way it is; not that much emotion, just sort of reminiscent. I like it. I honestly don't know what advice to give if you wish to make it more emotional.
Here's one little quirk, though.
*quote* Forgetting that which is important
What matters the most in our life
Personally, I'd change it to:
Forgetting what's important;
What matters most in our lives
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You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.
~Mahatma Gandhi |
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| This thread was created on June 6, 2008 |
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