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kris
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:16 pm Post subject: An ode to Constantinople |
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Branches of warped ivy cling,
to the solemn azure steeple.
Long since forgotten.
Terrible neglect lets tiles,
Shiver off the once beautiful dome.
Twilight now broken, iridescent.
They came from the east,
Scimitars gleaming in the sun.
Cutting down what remained of the old. |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: |
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Meaning. What I'm still wondering after reading this poem is, "What makes this an ode to Constantinople?" The poem is all description, which doesn't take it far in the first place, but the description is vague. The same words could be used to describe almost any old city, and the only references I can see to Constantinople are "steeple", perhaps, and "dome". So what makes this an ode to Constantinople, other than the title? What do you have to say about Constantinople? Use description wisely.
Punctuation. Unless you're intending to play with your punctuation, use it as you would in prose writing. Let's look at your first stanza as an example:
| Quote: |
Branches of warped ivy cling,
to the solemn azure steeple.
Long since forgotten. |
If we were to take out the line breaks, it would read:
Branches of warped ivy cling, to the solemn azure steeple. Long since forgotten.
That's not right at all, particularly the random comma in between "cling" and "to". Try this:
Branches of warped ivy cling to the solemn azure steeple, long since forgotten.
Which, with line breaks, would be:
Branches of warped ivy cling
to the solemn azure steeple,
long since forgotten.
-Colleen |
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RandomGrrl
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:36 am Post subject: |
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"Terrible neglect lets tiles,"
Something about this line doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps the Terrible neglecT leTs Tiles... The fact that you have this repeated emphasis on "T" is either extremely clever, or just annoying. Also, you're obviously pretty adept with words- why use an overused word like "terrible?" Why not find a more interesting alternative? Anyway, that's really just a matter of opinion.
"Twilight now broken, iridescent"
I like this line a lot, but is that a correct spelling of "iridescent?" I'm asking instead of correcting because I know the British spellings are often different. Gray=Grey and so on. I'd double check this.
"Scimitars gleaming in the sun"
Same thing as above- might be correct in the UK, but then again, maybe not. Check it again.
Very enjoyable! I love love love the rhythm. No other nitpicks!
Keep scribbling!
RG  |
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nickelodeon
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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I love the image the whole poem creates - sort of a great civilization now in ruins. Your descriptions were really great.
I agree that you should consider revising punctuation, but i didn't find it particularly distracting.
This is totally your choice, but have you thought about making it longer?
Well, nice job!
=) |
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