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This thread was created on June 6, 2008
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Topic ID: 31198
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ZombieOverlord
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 04 Jun 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 0
300 Points
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 4:25 pm Post subject: Blue Heart |
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Most hearts are red
But mine is blue
Probably cause, it misses you.
That halo on your head
Must have been plastic
And those white wings on your back
Looked kinda elastic
And for the heart you must lack
I guess you thought you'd steal mine.
And leave my chest with a vacancy sign.
You left the next day
Without delay
Leaving my heart blue
And thinking of you. |
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Firestar
Flame of the West
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Posts: 434
Reviews: 35
Country: Where everyone is "Free", and you can sue anyone for thousands of dollars on a whim.
340 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 4:55 pm Post subject: Re: Blue Heart |
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Very good!!! I'll put in some punctuation and rhythm problems.
| ZombieOverlord wrote: |
Most hearts are red,
But mine is blue,
Probably cause, it misses you.
That halo on your head,
Must have been plastic.
And those white wings on your back,
Looked kinda elastic.
And for the heart you must lack,
I guess you thought you'd steal mine,
^Is a little long for the rhythm of this poem.
And leave my chest, with a vacancy sign.
You left the next day,
Without delay.
^I suggest "Without any delay."
Leaving my heart blue,
And thinking of you. |
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Ringo_rules987
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 102
Reviews: 61
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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Overall I thought you did an "okay" job, but the rhyming was sporadic and all over the place. It lacked consistency.
| Quote: |
| Probably cause, it misses you |
This was one main problem within the poem, the comma is completely unnecessary and makes the line very awkward. I also find the rhyming of "blue" and "you" cliche and too predictable.
| Quote: |
That halo on your head,
Must have been plastic.
And those white wings on your back,
Looked kinda elastic. |
I wasn't a big fan of your rhyming here, it's like you were rhyming for the sake of rhyming, and I don't know how much this stanza in particular contributed to the poem. Also, "Looked kinda elastic" is really more of a conversational phrase, not refined at all.
| Quote: |
And for the heart you must lack,
I guess you thought you'd steal mine. |
The first line again, seemed like you were just rhyming for the sake of rhyming, and the second line I think doesn't help the poem at all on top of being awkward rhythmically.
| Quote: |
And leave my chest, with a vacancy sign.
You left the next day,
Without delay. |
I wouldn't suggest using a ABB rhyme pattern for this stanza in particular. I think rhyming with "sign" would help flow loads more.
| Quote: |
Leaving my heart blue,
And thinking of you. |
I liked this last line actually, it seemed to help tie it together a bit. Even though I dislike the rhyme.
Happy Editing |
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| This thread was created on June 6, 2008 |
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