Topic ID: 31194
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scasha
typing too much gives you carpal's tunnel
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 03 May 2008
Posts: 268
Reviews: 145
Country: Under the stars of another sun
317 Points
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject: The Duty, Chapter 4 {Being Edited} |
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MAJOR EDITS! WILL BE UP SOON! |
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Last edited by scasha on Wed Jul 16, 2008 7:20 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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kris
Senior Writer
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Age: 18
Joined: 06 Jun 2008
Posts: 179
Reviews: 85
Country: UK
350 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 8:00 pm Post subject: |
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You have such a skill with the craft of story telling. This was remarkably easy to read.
My personal preference here: take it or leave it, it is completely your choice 
I feel that the setting could have used some more description - I found it hard to set it all in my mind. But then again i am a sucker for detailed stories (Trudy canavan is the queen of this!)
Killer work! i really should read the previous chapters...I might be spurting rubbish about the setting that has already been introduced in previous chapters hehehe
Very enjoyable thus far! thank you.
***I will try to learn how to do what you do when you make critique so that i can be more constructive*** |
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ashleylee
Wanna-be Romance Novelist
Master of the Forum
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Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1051
Reviews: 591
Country: amongst the stars where gravity can't hold me down
744 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Scasha!
Again, your work is inspiring! I love reading this story! 
Well, I only have a few things to point out.
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| I sighed. Like he told me before, I’d have to ask the right questions to get the right answers. I took a deep breath, trying to quell my need to leap up from my seat and drive my knife through the man’s heart. |
I liked this and I didn't...I liked it because Melody has an anger problem and this really plays it up. But, I didn't like how hostile she got. She was going to kill this guy because she was a LITTLE frustrated. A little to melodramatic for me but...I don't know. I'm torn between liking and disliking it. I guess it's up to you whether to keep it or not.
Other than that, everything else was really good.
I can't wait to read more of your work!
The ending was perfect! Very powerful and makes the reader want to persue this piece of writing!
PM me when you post more! |
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tanith14
Junior Writer
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Age: 19
Joined: 20 May 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 18
Country: US
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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That is all I have to say basically. I was very saddened when this segment ended. You are getting better and better with every chapter.
My only critique would be to take your time a little more at exploring Eryk's lair. I don't know if there is some history behind him and the specters, but you could tie in a little history by having Melody look around and notice artifacts or other things that would suggest a little more about this mysterious mind reader. Course, if he has no history with them or whatever then ignore all the above and keep everything the way it is. Wonderful work |
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Toomak
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 19
Reviews: 4
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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Once again, another great chapter. I keep getting sucked into this story. The only grammar error I found in this chapter was this:
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| Their (their should be changed to they're) able to come out now anytime or anywhere. |
I am still interested to know a little more about Melody's past. And now Eryk's too. How does he know so much about specters?
Great chapter! |
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