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Ringo_rules987
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 Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:24 pm Post subject: Perhaps |
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Perhaps
I heard there was a secret note
Not sharp, nor flat
That legends wrote.
But no one cared for music
At the time.
Perhaps this is really true.
With love, with life
My knowledge grew.
But all I learned was
How to give up.
I studied all day and night.
Trying to learn
What’s wrong, what’s right.
But not one answer
Came to my mind.
Perhaps it was just a myth,
And as false
As a hieroglyph.
But I worked hard
Why give up now?
I pressed on with my search
Prayed, Fasted,
Went to Church.
But God never
Gave me his hand.
Maybe life was always cruel,
And all we ever
Learned in school
Was how to
Never cry out loud.
But still I fight for the truth,
And never stopping
Is uncouth.
It’s all I’ve had
On my mind.
-
I tried rhyming again, don't hesitate any critiques. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 2:55 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, I don't like to see work go without a response so I'm going to leave my thoughts. 
I'm not sure if it was intentional or not but some stanzas, for example the first and sixth, are too similar to the song, Hallelujah. Is this maybe where you got your inspiration? Perhaps you should try reworking these.
Other points:
- From the second stanza to the end, the last two lines might flow better with ten syllables between them, like the first has. However this might be because I couldn't get away from the song in my head!
- The word choice of 'hieroglyph' and 'uncouth' obviously work for the rhyme but I think they sound a little forced.
- The ending could be stronger because at the moment it's a little abrupt.
Hope some of these helped! |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! At first, congratulations on the beautiful title!
Then to the poem itself.
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| Not sharp, nor flat |
I'm not quite sure whether you can use the word "nor" if there's not "neither"?
The ending in almost all the stanzas is a little too abrupt. In the first stanza, I liked it, in the second one, not that much.
| Quote: |
Perhaps this is really true.
With love, with life
My knowledge grew.
But all I learned was
How to give up. |
I like the first three lines. But – how to put this – the narrator's knowledge grew, but still he/she learned only one thing? What did the narrator know before his/her knowledge grew, then?
| Quote: |
But not one answer
Came to my mind. |
This felt slightly awkward.
Hmm. There's not much of a flow in any of the stanzas. All in all, I think that by a little editing this piece could be something great. It has potential. So I suggest you read the poem out loud and listen to the words: do they slide smoothly or are there sharp ones that don't fit in? Is the poem easy to read or do you have to struggle? I believe you have the power of turning this into something phenomenal. See you around!
All the best
Demeter xx |
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dpontiu
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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| I enjoyed the subject of your poem. I also liked through your seemingly pessimistic poem the idea of perseverance. The poem came to an abrupt halt at the end, it would be nice to see it end more soundly. Also, I really enjoyed the tone in your poem, but the rhythm had me lost. Just my opinion, but congratulations on a well written piece of work. |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 4:49 am Post subject: |
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The rhyme scheme makes it too forced, such as the line with hieroglyphs. Writing a poem with rhymes is hard because you have to make it seem natural, and not forced. Terribly hard to do, and I can't offer much advice on how to fix it. It depends on flow, and what not.
I didn't like this an awful lot, but there was nothing incredebly bad about it either. It's just plain. When I read a poem, I want to feel something, I want to be made to think something. My biggest question is what did the notes in the first stanza have to do with anything else? How does any of this connect together? I think you need to figure out what you want to tell your reader with this poem, then rewrite it. Instead of writing something around the rhymes, write a poem around the ideas - if you want to rhyme, do so.
I'm not sure this was a real helpful critique... sorry! If you have any questions, just PM. |
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