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The Big Brother Story For Which I Apologize In Advance
The Big Brother Story For Which I Apologize In Advance

by Nate in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on June 5, 2008
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Possible Related Items Follow:
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 1
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 2
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 3
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 4
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 5
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 6
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 7
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 8
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 9
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 10
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 11
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 12
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 13
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 14
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 15
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 16
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 17
Poisoned Roses--Chapter 18
The Dark Side of the Moon - Prologue

Poisoned Roses--Prologue Goto page 1, 2  Next

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:11 pm    Post subject: Poisoned Roses--Prologue Reply with quote

All right, I know that their are MILLIONS of vampire stories out there. I know that this one starts out as most of them. But, I decided to throw in a twist. Wink You'll find out when you read it.

Well, I hope you all enjoy it! Very Happy

**Edited as of Sept. 15**

_______________________________________________

PROLOGUE

He is still the only thing that I think about, all that I live for, and I know it is wrong…so wrong to feel the way I do. Especially for a human: a creature so weak and vulnerable. I hate myself for it, for calling him out in the dead of night. I despise my family who urges me to do the unthinkable. I cringe when I think of what I must do tonight. What I must do to him

But I know that it is the only option if I want to keep him safe.

An owl hoots nearby and I flinch, hearing the unmistakable crunch of feet on the dried leaves. I breathe through my mouth, but his scent fills me with a longing that I still don’t completely understand; it makes my mouth water. I quickly stop breathing all together. His silhouette appears in the gloom and soon his vibrant cerulean eyes land on me. He smiles and anxiously ruffles his chestnut hair shot through with blonde. My insides twist when I see him and I frown. I can’t love him. It has to end tonight.

I know that part of me wishes for his blood, craves for his death; but another part of me wants to press my lips to his, wants to envelop myself into his arms and lay on his chest forever. I chew my lower lip, my hands curling into fists as a gust of wind blows his scent across my nostrils. It is a smoky, manly scent; it makes me lightheaded. I can feel my pupils dilate in response and my breathing nears close to hyperventilation.

He stops a few feet away from me, eyeing me with uneasy. I am immediately aware of my scarred appearance but do nothing to pull up the hood of my sweatshirt. I just dig my nails into my flesh to prevent myself from doing something rash. I have to control the urge, to use it for good. He flashes that adorable, crooked smile and I can’t help but grin back. “Sophia,” he greets, bowing his head.

“Isaac,” I breathe, his scent washing over me again.

“So…” he trails off, shifting uncomfortably from foot to foot.

I flash him a dazzling smile. “Sorry I dragged you out here in the middle of the night.”

“It’s all right.” He shrugs. I can see the hunger in his eyes and know that there is no where else he’d rather be.

It makes my breath catch in my throat.

I know my duty, though, and I press forward. “I wanted to talk with you,” I whisper, my voice unintentionally seductive. His cheeks flush an adorable pink. “I just wanted to talk,” I repeat, inching steadily closer. My eyes transform into their earthy green, and he is frozen under my hypnotizing stare. His scent fills my nostrils again—warmer and thick with adrenaline; it puts my salivary glands on overload. I can hear the blood flowing through his veins, his heart pounding. I see the main vein in his neck, thick with blood, pushing against his skin. I lick my lips in anticipation, and his eyes flicker with fear.

I freeze.

His fear makes my chest ache and I quickly hunch over, feeling suddenly ill. “Sophia?” His voice is thick with compassion. I feel his hand mold over my shoulder and I go stiff.

He is too close. One swipe and that would be it. One swift swing and he would be done. One bite and it would be finished. I need to control it, to use it to my advantage.

I look up and meet his eyes. They are swimming with bewilderment and I straighten. “Are you okay?” he asks, and I swallow, fighting back the urge to kill. I slowly nod, my nails creating crescent-shaped imprints in my palms.

Abruptly, my eyes feel wet and I tentatively touch them. Water droplets litter my fingertips and I scowl. [I]Will I always be weak?[/ I]

When I glance up, his smile is soft, and I feel my insides melt. Then a gust of warm air rustles the hair on his head and I am stunned. The scent is more powerful than ever before and I quickly loose control of myself. My eyes dilate, turning to a hungry brown; my mouth parts in a seductive grin; my hands smooth over his shoulders. His eyes widen when my lips taste his. They part under my soft persuasion and my tongue slips inside. He responds as any human would; he yanks me to him and buries his fingers in my hair. My hands explore his chest, and he moans in my mouth. His adrenaline is high and I can smell the sweet sweat excreting from his pores.

It is just like old times, our bodies fitting together perfectly. I think to when I had told him to leave me because of my disfigured body. But now I can’t find a reason why I would ever leave him, leave what we have. And now that I will change him, we will be together.

Forever.

My lips trail down his cheek and along his jaw. One of his hands finds the small of my back and he presses me against him. My tongue snakes out, lightly touching his neck. He shivers, and I smile against his skin flushed with gooseflesh. My teeth graze his neck and I smell the blood, salty and rich. A hunger so powerful flows through me and I kiss him passionately. He walks forward until my back is pressed against the trunk of a tree, our lips never parting. He moans again, and my mouth leaves his. My excitement is mounting and I don’t think I can hold it off any longer.

As the wind has stopped blowing, I can faintly hear the tiny voice inside of me holding off the monster I am. I don’t know if I am strong enough to fight it, if I can prevent the blood-thirst that I feel, if I am strong enough to control it. I have denied myself for so long and the hunger is unbearable. I run my lips across his jaw and his hands mold to my hips. His blood is louder, pounding in my ears. I can’t resist…I can’t resist…

My teeth make the smallest cut and a drop of blood stains my lower lip. He jolts, pulling quickly away. “Sophia?” His eyes are accusing as his fingers press against the cut. The drop of blood hangs precariously on my lip. I know that if I taste it that that would be it; Isaac’s life would end and I would be responsible. My tongue craves to taste him, to savor him.

But I raise a shaky hand to my mouth and smear the blood away. My body gives a violent shudder as I deprive it of the blood it so craves. It is for the best, my body too out of control to be able to change him at the moment. My only choice now will be to take him back to Philip and have him changed there when I am thinking clearly.

“And you were so close,” a velvety voice echoes in the forest. I cringe, guessing who the voice belongs to. Isaac, however, glances warily at me and steps further away. I know before it happens that we are surrounded. Ashton’s Coven steps from the shadows. They are all men and gaze furiously at me but for only a second as they all, in turn, glance at Isaac. “No!” I shout, gripping the leader’s arm. “Please, Rouke, have mercy!” I plead.

He laughs huskily. “I almost thought you did it. I almost thought you had the power in you.” He laughs sorrowfully now. “But I was wrong.” He shoves me out of the way and advances on Isaac. I scream and punch every bit of Rouke that I can reach. “No! You can’t do this!” I shriek. He orders two of his men to pin me against the nearest tree. I bite and scratch but it does no good.

Wet flows down my cheeks when I hear Isaac’s screams pierce the air and I crumble to the earth in a heap.

One bite and it was finished…


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Last edited by ashleylee on Sat Sep 27, 2008 6:12 pm; edited 8 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, Ash, I like this. You never told me you were working on a new story... what happened to the Roman one? You know, the one I spent HOURS correcting?

Anyway, back to your vampire story. Besides a few missing commas here and there, your punctuation has drastically improved. As to the actual writing... I liked it. However, I don't like your beginning paragraph. I would suggest placing it elsewhere and starting this with the owl hooting.

So sad about Isaac. You have me wondering where you're going to take this, since you've already killed off the hot guy... or IS he dead? Hmmm...

And it's odd that you had such passionate kissing. You don't usually go into that stuff. You should, more often. You're good at it Smile

Keep writing. I want to see more of this. AND I want to see more about Isadora and Nicandro. Don't give up on that one, missy.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 1:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

KJ:

Oh, don't worry. I won't give up on Isadora and Nicandro! Wink I just needed a break from that and I got the sudden idea of this story.

I thought "Hey! Nobody ever writes vampire stories from the girl's point of view! So, why don't I be the first one! Very Happy" lol (besides you, of course!)

Well, I'm glad you like it. And yes, puncuation is finally becoming second nature to me! Laughing

I hope to write more of this soon! Very Happy

Thanks for reviewing KJ!

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello! I thought I'd stop by and see what you've got here, especially if you're so certain it's not our typical vampire romance. Wink

Grammar and First Impressions

Quote:
I breathe through my mouth, but his scent fills me with a longing even I don’t understand.


You may or may not have heard of our FANBOYS. But is one of them, joining two clauses to form a compound sentence. This rings a bell, yes? Learned this back in sixth grade... yeah, we know all this jazz. Well! The FANBOYS do not need a comma in front of it all the time. They only have it when the FANBOYS have independent clauses on either side of them [Independent clause meaning a sentence that can stand on its own, yes?]. That's the case here, so but gets a comma in front of it. Smile

Quote:
His silhouette appears in the gloom, and soon, [no comma] his vibrant, cerulean eyes land on me.


Same rule applies here, and soon doesn't need a comma here. Smile

Going through, plan to go back through this yourself and apply this FANBOYS rule to your compound sentences. Very Happy

Quote:
I know that part of me wishes for his blood; craves for his death. But another part of me wants to press my lips to his. Wants to envelop myself into his arms and lay on his chest forever.


Did you make the dependent clauses their own sentences on purpose? I didn't much like it. I don't mind it if it's supposed to look like your style of writing, but it seemed kind of random in this instance. I'd try to combine these sentences [or rewrite them] so they don't sound so clunky.

Underlined: Semicolons separate independent clauses. The second part here is a dependent clause, so the semi cannot be used. You can use a dash or even a comma, but not a semi. Very Happy

Quote:
I chew my lips; [comma instead] my hands curling into fists as I gust of wind blows his scent across my nostrils.


Here's another instance where the semi does not combine an independent clause and a dependent clause. You can replace it with that comma or a period and change the verb in the second part of this. ^^

Quote:
He is frozen under my hypnotizing stare and his scent fills my nostrils again, [dash instead] warmer, [no comma] and thick with adrenaline; it puts my salivary glands on overload.


The dash will lessen the confusion because of all the commas it had used, as well as the b][no comma] and[/b] I included in there. Laughing We love our commas, but we must put them in their place and not overuse them. We don't want egocentric commas! Wink

Quote:
I look up and meet his eyes.


Here is an instance where the FANBOYS does not need a comma before it. The first half is an independent clause, but the second half of the sentence is a dependent clause and cannot stand on its own. Therefore, it needs the support of the independent clause to make it through the grammar check. Wink

Quote:
He walks forward until my back is pressed against the trunk of a tree, out lips never parting.


Out: Away from; not in
Our: Possessive case of we Very Happy

Quote:
“Owe!” he yelps, holding his neck.


Owe: Under obligation to repay
Ow: An expression of intense or sudden pain Wink

Quote:
But, I raise a shaky hand to my mouth and smear the blood away.


The FANBOYS never get a comma after them.

Quote:
“Please, Carmen, have mercy!” I plead.


When addressing someone, they get commas on either side because if you take the name out, the sentence still means the same thing. ^^

Characters

I kind of attached to Sophia, but not really. I didn't realize she was a vampire till a third of the way into the prologue. Is that bad? Laughing All I knew is that the MCs were love-struck.

Sophia was fine, I suppose. She was battling with herself whether or not to bite the guy. That was good. Isaac is who I'm more worried about. At first the way you described him sounded like he was an Edward Cullen, then he suddenly sounded like an opposite, I guess, haha. Try to redo his actions and stuff, make sure he's the way you want him to appear.

Plot

I don't see the plot yet. So no comment needed! Very Happy

Careful!

I know that you're aware of how easy vampire stories can get cliche. They're overdone, so it's difficult to right one that attracts readers despite the juicy romance inside.

Quote:
I thought "Hey! Nobody ever writes vampire stories from the girl's point of view! So, why don't I be the first one! Very Happy" lol (besides you, of course!)


Yes, well, you may have written it from a female vampire's point of view (which is true -- I haven't seen many of those), this still bled Twilight. I try really hard to forget that book 'cause I didn't like it very much (That's an entirely different topic!), but this brought it back to memory. The whole going-out-with-a-human-is-ridonkulous and vampire-stalker-family is what brought it back, so be careful! (The family mainly).

Overall

This was good. I don't know where this is going [hence the short Plot overview], but I hope you have an idea. You write awesome romance scenes. I liked that! Very Happy If you have any questions, comments, requests, or anything, PM me! I'd be more than happy to help! Very Happy

Keep writing! Very Happy

Jabber, the One and Only!

**P.S. I suggest ridding yourself of the chatspeak in summary beneath your title. We're writers here, so we don't need any shortcuts! Very Happy Plz should read as please. Wink

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! i'm impress. i couldn't wrtie that good even i wrote it over and over. good job. i hope there is a second chapter to this.

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

JabberHut:

Thanks so much for your review! I know, I struggled to make this original. Hopefully, new ideas will come that will make this better!

Night Mistress:

Thanks for your nice review! Very Happy It made me smile!

Yes, there is a second chapter. But, I'm doing a complete rewrite of it. But, if you want to read it if you want and see what you think, you could totally do that!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey ashleylee it's me, Merry. I've read your prologue and it's time to review!
Just like Night Mistress said I don't think I could write like that even if i tried hard enough. You are AMAZING!!! The way you describe everything is absolutely cool and fascinating.
I'm so sorry what happen to Issac. I thought he was cool and hot *blush*. I guess it's like this because it's the prologue...I'll just have to read more then.
Hey, wouldn't you love to live in a family of all guys? I would. Sophia's lucky to have that opportunity. I have to ask something. What's cerulean? Is it a shade of blue?
The whole blood lust feeling was so...I can't even figure out a word for it! I did notice that death floated within this story, but it does make a vampire story a vampire story.
Yes, there is a lot of vampire stories out there but it's only your choice to make it like the others. {I would like your story to be unique and different and not average like the others. That would be so cool, if that could happen.} Well, can't figure out anything else to say. I guess this was a long review...maybe the longest for me. But I enjoyed every word of it! So all in all this was a great prologue and keep up the great work! {totally sounded cheesy there.}
-Merry
~Off to read ch.1~
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 1:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Merry_Haven:

Thanks, Merry! Yeah, I know, but it is unique, I promise. It just starts out like all the other vampire stories. Promise!

I'm so glad you liked it so much. This story seemed to come easily to me, in a crazy sort of way! lol Wink

Well, thanks again!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This seems like a very good start to a novel or a series, and it leaves the reader craving more. It is reminiscent of Twilight (I seriously hate that book) but it encompasses a depth in writing that Twilight lacks throughout which I admire. I look forward to reading your other stories!

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Miss Morose:

Why, thank you for such a compliment, saying that my story has something extra compared to Twilight!

*beams at the thought*

lol

Thanks so much for reading it and Welcome to YWS! I hope you like this site as I have. And if you ever need anything reviewed or just to say hi...PM me!

Hope to see you around!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 12, 2008 9:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. You're so good! Lol. I only wish i could go so in depth with the whole kissing thing.

I am a Twilight lover so other vampire stories i critique harshly. But since this is just the prologue I'm not going to say too much.

I really like the idea of you going from the girl's prospective. When i think vampire i automatically think male so good for you for doing the opposite of the normal. Smile

Please, please, PLEASE, try to stay away from stereotypical vampire stuff. Make it original as possible. So far its not quite there but i haven't read the rest of your story so i don't know which way you're taking it.

Anyways, I'm jealous of your writing ability in the fantasy area. I'm going to read the rest of your story so consider me a faithful follower of your book! Keep writing!

XoXo

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 16, 2008 12:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

estead:

You are too sweet! Very Happy

And I promise, cross my heart, that I will try to make it unique (emphasis on try Wink ) But I will work on it!

Thanks so much for reviewing!

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 18, 2008 11:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow!! I love this, it leaves me wanting to read more ...
& I so wish I could write like you! Its breathtaking .. seriously ... Shocked
I'm off to read the other chapters (which there are alot of!! lol so may take a while) but this prologue has really drawn me in, especially your writing style .. you write with so much depth & I loved the whole i'm in love with you but I want to kill you for your blood part (well I loved it all but that stood out to me the most)
I can't think of anything else to say except wow .. again Laughing ... & already your story does sound unique of its own & has that something extra which Twilight doesn't (& I love that book, so I'm surprised this has taken my interest more than that!!)
Anyways I'm off to read the other chapters ....
Lucyy xx

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 19, 2008 10:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lucyy

Wow...what a compliment...I'm seriously flattered. Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

I'm glad you liked it so much. And I also see that you have reviewed all of my chapters, which is such a task in itself that I must thank you over and over again! I made my day!

Thanks a bunch for reading!

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 11:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*edited*

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