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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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 Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: What A Disguise Love Is. |
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I am taken by moments in time:
the slither of your whisper travels up my
bare spine and thuds home to the pulse in my throat;
your name is still on the tip of my tongue.
In the amnesia of blurred intentions,
it is no longer today, and it is never yesterday.
Your breath is in tomorrow.
They grasp at me, the cinch of your words on my wrists,
and the hint of heat that is your touch.
And the teeth of the matter, settling onto my chest,
“I have forgotten how to love you.”
Perhaps it is best, as the slip of your skin mingles with mine,
for I cannot live in memory. |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer.
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Tue Nov 25, 2008 12:01 pm; edited 8 times in total |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:17 pm Post subject: |
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Rose!
Oh man, I'm critting one of your poems? Yours? An amazing poet's?
Let's see what I can do for you! ^_^
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they steal me away. It is no longer today,
and it is never yesterday. Your breath is in tomorrow. |
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And the teeth of the matter, pressing into my chest,
“I have forgotten how to love you” |
Should there be punctuation at the end? Maybe... a period? It just kinda.. was left hanging. XD
This was freaking amazing. T_T I bow to your amazingness. This is probably one of my favorites you've wrote. This was really good. How you described things was just awesome. I loved it. I pictured it. And I feel useless right now, lol.
I only found a comma. 
Lol, this was amazing. Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:55 pm Post subject: |
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Hello Sah. ^_^
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| I am taken by moments in time: |
This is an amazing first line, because of how it works with the rest of the poem. It's a first line that only shows it's beauty in the second reading - but good! Poetry should be read more than once. The rest of the poem is all about moments, today, tomorrow, yesterday, living in memories, all of it, and it makes this first line the best one possible.
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the feeling of your whisper travels up my
bare spine and thuds home at the pulse in my throat;
your name is still on the tip of my tongue. |
I love your diction here, particularly "thuds" because I feel the thump that goes along with it, and it's so perfect. MY only complaint is to "the feeling". You put it there because it isn't just the whisper that travels, but the feeling it creates - but feeling is vague. I, too, want to feel what you feel. Does it tickle, does it scratch? Is it slimy, is it cold or hot? Cut out "feeling" and use something specific. "The scrape of your whisper" - though scrape may not be the word you want - has much more power than just "Feeling". I love the way you mix that comment with name, and the tip-of-the-tongue has it so trapped - as if the narrator can't speak.
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Not unnatural, but simply indefinable,
they steal me away. |
I'm not sure what I think of this sentence (though it isn't one full line, I took it as a sentence to look at just the thought). It has a lot less to it, it's more abstract than the rest. I think I'd rather be show how it isn't unnatural, perhaps by the use of diction that has the subtext of comfort, or familiarity. Indefinable, I think, goes along with the speakers inability to say the subjects name - she can't define who she is thinking about. Then with the rest of the sentence, steals me away, I only want to ask, to where? It doesn't matter so much that you are being stolen, but to where it is taking you. Pleasure, or torture, Heaven or Hell, or is it entirely nothing that it takes you to? I think you could either cut this line, or make it stronger, but as it is, it doesn't add to the poem.
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It is no longer today,
and it is never yesterday. Your breath is in tomorrow. |
What is most interesting here, to me, isn't the reflection of time, but "it". Is "it" the breath? At first I took is as the person, or maybe the love. But then, you say breath, which has so much connotation: life, death, existence, nearness. I completely love this line because it explains the unreachable existence of the subject. The breath is in tomorrow, but it is always today. And more interesting: it is no longer today - but it once was. I'm still so hungry to know what "it" is, but if you were to be more specific, I would hate you for it. I like the unknown of it. This part is so beautiful and captivating.
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It grasps at me, the lick of your words on my wrists,
and the simple kiss of heat that is your touch. |
Here, though, "it" is something else entirely - is it the breath? - and I'm not sure I like he vague way it is used. Or is "it" the words? Then with the words, I'm curios as to what the subject is saying, because it could be any range of things, from love to hate, and without knowing which it is, I can't decide what direction the poem is going in. The next line, "kiss of heat" pesters me for some reason. Either I don't like it or I am not sure what to make of it. I think the latter, because I do like it. I think you could cut out the word "simple", unless you went into more depth as to why it is simpler than so much else. Hmm... On second thought, I like it, but I don't see if fitting well into the poem - but that may be fixed if I knew what the words in the previous line were, if you understand that?
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| And the teeth of the matter, pressing into my chest, |
I love this more than any other line in the whole poem, because it's so delicate, but at the same time I can feel myself being bitten in the chest, having teeth sunk into my flesh. And it's done on the sly, too, without any extra effort, and it's "the teeth of the matter" - which has to be why I love it so much. The problem is bitting into your chest, and it's so vampiric but human and lovely. It's an amazing way to express the feeling, and I adore it.
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| “I have forgotten how to love you.” |
This tells so much about what the poem is trying to say, but I only wish you foreshadowed it previously (the words, perhaps?) so that when we finally get to it, it is more of an "Aha!" moment rather than an "Oh, Alright, I understand now." Er, I'm not sure that makes sense... I think that, if you call the poem a picture, we should be given parts of the picture, then this line can put them together, rather than being giving blurry and burnt parts of the picture, and then this giving us the actual, real picture. If that bizarre metaphor helps at all. @_@
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Perhaps it is best, as the slip of your skin mingles with mine,
for I cannot live in memory. |
Slip and Skin, I love alliterations, but then I'm not entirely sure I can trust myself on how to interpret that line. Slip could mean movement, but for some reason I want to think of it as a cover, or a second skin, as if they're shedding? Oo Yes, it made me think of snakes. But all the time I think of the mingling, I think it is more the "slip" part that looses me - I can't figure out what to make of it. The final line is a great closure, and wraps up the whole idea of the poem nicely.
And reading it over one final time, I realize why I thought of snakes: the poem has a hidden connotation of snakes, whether intentional or not. Subconsciously, everything of the subject slithers (I want to beg for you to find a place to use the word "slither" in this poem) on the speaker until it finally bites into her - or perhaps the snake is the problem explained in the quotation. Coupled with the word "disguise" in the title, slip still stands out as "cover" to me - Love has second skin it is hiding under, almost like a snake would... Haha, either I am reading this right, or in the completely wrong way.
I love it so much. What I love most is the flow of your lines, and how they go nicely with the slithering of the subject/problem. You have enjambments which work so nicely, and .. Well, I'm overall so in love with the flow, because it matches the subject matter so perfectly. I adore this poem, and how the imagery is there but only beneath the skin (again, the snake! haha). I really hope you do consider at least a few of my suggestions (I know how sometimes poetry critiques become more of a critique on how one writes poetry, rather than the poem its self) because I think you have so much room to do more, and make it even more beautiful than it already is. If you have any questions, you know where to find me! And if you edit, please tell me! I would love to see a second version. |
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you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me.
Last edited by Suzanne on Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:56 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Ringo_rules987
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:55 pm Post subject: |
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I think a little more length would help its overall effect, but what you had there was absolutely beautiful. It was exquisite, and grammatical error(s) have been pointed out, so I won't reiterate those. The emotion you poured in there was great as well, and the flow was nice too.
I enjoyed reading it, well done. =D |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:06 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, I really loved this. I can't even really see much wrong with it either (sorry if I'm rather useless in this critique) but I had to leave a comment. I liked the way it's so visual and that it focuses on the senses. It gets me that not a lot of poets make things real. I really felt the line:
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my
bare spine and thuds home at the pulse in my throat; |
'Thuds' is a great word.Ouch. Brilliant line.
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| Your breath is in tomorrow. |
Nice. Real nice.
The line at the end was great:
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I cannot live in memory.
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Well done on a great poem!
Eimear xx |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 4:32 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you all for the fantastic comments so quick. You are all beyond the awesome in my book. All of your comments go on board with my edits - and I have edited it, although it hardly looks it ^^ - and I thank you so much for being so kind as to take the time to read my little work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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italianboyce
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 10:25 pm Post subject: Gr8 |
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| Wow that is fantastic I hope u keep writing because you're a wonderful poet. |
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timjim77
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:42 am Post subject: |
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- "I am taken by moments in time": Ok, I am a sucker for the first line. A really big sucker. You have suckered me in. Most juries make up their mind after hearing opening arguments. Don't ever start a poem not as good as this again. Great.
- "the amnesia of blurred intentions": Effing A. so good.
- Consider word choice in "you steal me back again" for steal.
- "It is no longer today, / and it is never yesterday. Your breath is in tomorrow.": Eh, the sentiment is clear, but this does not match the rest of the poem, and if you read it without it is even better.
- "teeth of the matter, settling onto my chest": way to a void a cliche, and make it way better. Plus this image is the pivot of the whole poem. You have set us up for the climax, and of course, you deliver. But more importantly, you have created a sympathy for the voice in this poem. You avoided melodrama, you avoided sentimentality, and look, you have edified yourself. Congratulations. You win.
- "Perhaps it is best, as the slip of your skin mingles with mine,
for I cannot live in memory.": Effing A+!
Ok, I gave you a gold star. Too many great turns of phrase not to. That one piece does stick out, but not so much to ruin it.
You have impressed me. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 7:19 am Post subject: |
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Dude, you're awesome. What's funny is you don't know how awesome you are. But you are awesome, and don't you let anyone else tell you this. And by that, I mean, don't let any of the voices in your head tell you that you are any less awesome. Seriously.
What was good about the poem? A lot. It was completely non-melodramatic, which is wonderful. I mean, it did have drama, which is good, but it didn't scream, "WOE MY LIFE SUCKS, YOU HATE ME, I HATE MY LIFE, WOE! WOE! WOE!" So I really liked that. That and it had interesting metaphors... you actually made time interesting! I think that is sooo awesome because it's usually completely overdone, and yet you handled it well.
If you want me to be nitpicky, then... I can be!
and the lick of heat that is your touch. <-- I would change "lick" into "hint." Just because I think that makes more sense.
And... I don't quite like the first line. But everybody else seemed to, so maybe this is a personal preference. I wouldn't know what to put in its spot. It just seems a bit abrupt to me.
Still! All in all awesome. Just like you.  |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: Re: What A Disguise Love Is. |
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Most of the things I thought of when I was reading this have already been mentioned (Suz is so thorough!), so the things I'm bringing up are take-it-or-leave-it suggestions. This is already very poignant, and the additions you've made have polished it even more.
The first line is fantastic, and I love the way you've punctuated it. Your enjambment is very smooth, though I'm not sure about the break between lines two and three, though. Was that to avoid rhyme?
After "yesterday" in line seven, have you considered a colon? Either would work, but you could consider the possibility.
The only other thing was the line that was in quotations - if I were you, I would make it "I've" and not "I have," but again, that's a matter of personal style. You didn't use contractions anywhere else in the poem, and I think that's a good choice, for the most part, but it's hard to imagine something saying the line naturally, because of the I running into the aspirated h sound. Of course, this is me totally over-analyzing this because I can't find anything else to talk about.
This is really a fantastic piece, and I'm giving you a gold star, because I'm impressed, yes-sir-ee-bob. |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, everyone, for the comments. ^^
Lyn > Yes, it was to avoid the rhyme, any rhyme would have ruined the feel of the poem.
You kids are awesome squared for reading and commenting. Especially for the gold stars. So, thank you very, very much. It's super appreciated.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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lit-chick-4evva
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 1:35 am Post subject: |
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hey,
This poem is SOOOO awesome! I wish I could write as well as you do?
How do the words flow so easily to you?????????
LOL
I particularly enjoyed this because it wasn't overdone or embellished. It was down to the beautiful essence of the experience of this poem.
You use exceptional imagery and description; I'd go for publishing if I were you.
Of course, I am not you, and can only hope to be as great a poet as you are. 
So, if u wanna talk some time, that's cool. If not, that's OK too.
Once more, LOVE it. LOL
xoxo |
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