Everyone was talking at once, shouting, screeching, laughing. The noise was almost feral and she was repulsed by it. She wanted to get away from them, escape from the pain that they were so unaware of, it was like a wave that she couldn’t keep from being crushed by. The chill of the late September air was nothing compared to the heat of the animal atmosphere that seemed to crawl under her skin, promising a year that she would never feel clean.

The bright lights focused on the football field but felt like they were more focused on her. She hated it when people looked at her. When the guys noticed her, sometimes even pointed. Why couldn’t they just try to be human? How hard would it be? She supposed that it wasn’t likely that it was that hard, they were all just irreversibly averted to work.

‘I know…what is wrong with that freak?’ She recognized the voice but didn’t turn around.

‘Hey! Alicia! What’s wrong with you?’ It sounded like they were jumping down closer to her on the bleachers and her heart started to pound. She felt a hand on her shoulder and stood, spinning angrily around.

‘What? What do you want?’

‘Well, I asked you a question, didn’t I?’ The two boys were smirking like they thought there was no one cooler than them on the planet. She fought the urge to laugh at their pitiful attempt to annoy her.

‘You’re an idiot, right? So why would you expect people to answer your stupid questions?’ Their faces paled and one reached out to grab her but she ducked away.

Cheering from the crowd distracted her attackers and she saw that they had scored; everyone was jumping up and down and screaming. She sighed, suppressing the urge to be proud of the players that loved to trip her in the hall, knock her lunch out of her hands, steal everything out of her locker. Their feeble attempts to make her angry usually made her almost feel some affection for them so she stood up and cheered with everyone else.

It wasn’t really a big deal, they always won, but it gave all the stupid kids an excuse to eat more pizza, drink more soda, and laugh a lot louder. She might have preferred to go home but her dad wasn’t picking her up until nine-thirty when he got off duty and it was only quarter to nine now. It had been a long night and she was starting to yawn. The gym doors were thrown open and everyone was pushing and shoving to be the first to congratulate the players on their fantastic win. She grabbed a coke and sat down outside.

‘Did you see that? He’s so fucking stoned…I didn’t even know that was POSSIBLE. I thought you had to be sober to be a football player but I guess the only requirement is being really, really dumb.’

It was a few of the outcasts that loved to think they were better than everyone else when really they ended up being exactly the same. When they noticed her they exchanged a conspiratorial glance and then kicked her coke over. Before it had a chance to soak her already freezing feet, she jumped to her feet and swore. They all laughed and she bent down to pick up her purse.

‘So, Alicia, did you like the game? Sorry about your coke, Dave here is just a little psyched about our amazing win. Only half the guys were on steroids this time, right?’ They all laughed again and she straightened up.

‘What? Only half?’ She gave them her signature innocent look that always infuriated them and then stepped around them back into the safety of the gym.

Her gaze swept the room and caught more eyes than she would have liked. Everyone was at their designated table and, despite the fact that it was deafeningly loud, the energy wasn‘t quite as oppressive as usual; everyone was happy. The outcast kids came back in and she left right behind them. The time would go faster if she wasn’t always watching her back.

The air outside was made of a mix of subtle pollution and sweat; somehow it was still cold. Daydreaming was one of those things that can make any tired night go faster, but only if you knew how. No one seemed quite as adept at it as she. It’s harder to think about interesting unimportant things than dull unimportant things. She preferred the more difficult.

When her dad’s police car turned quietly and respectfully into the school parking lot she stood and stepped off the curb. Careful not to trod on the remnants of her daydream, she climbed into the car.

She looked over at her dad and studied his usual stern expression. Clean-shaven, once handsome, never happy as far as she could remember. Her parents had divorced when she was eleven and then gotten back together. They had never been remarried but the year that her mom had been gone was something no one was permitted to discuss. They had to act like it had never existed. She hated it. But, of course, she didn’t hate her parents; she just wasn’t sure if she was allowed to love them or not.

‘How was the game?’

‘We won.’

‘Did you have fun?’

‘Yeah, more than usual, actually.’ Neither of her parents noticed that she didn’t have any friends and she preferred it that way. Therapy usually followed being alone.

‘Really? Why is that?’

‘Casey and Spencer dressed up like faeries and invaded the commentary box - they got thrown out. It was pretty funny.’ It was often that she would tell a small story about a made up pair of people just to sound normal.

‘That does sound funny.’ Her dad didn’t crack a smile, his eyes glued to the road.

‘Yeah, a lot of people thought they might get arrested but no such luck.’

‘Crazy.’ It was obvious he wasn’t listening.

She cleared her throat. ‘So, how was work?’

‘Good, good. Pretty quiet, though.’

‘Of course.’

‘Your mother called at lunch and said she had some school assignment of yours that you had forgotten. She wanted me to try and call the school -’ he paused. ‘- couldn’t get through.’

‘Hm. I don’t remember any missing homework assignments. Must’ve been a mistake.’

‘Maybe.’ They pulled into the station; it was quiet, the lights were dim; there was no one else around. Dutifully, her dad pulled into the lot in the back where there was a small row of off-duty cars across from a row of cars that belonged to the officers. Shivering, she got out and ran over to her dads car while he returned the keys to the station. The moon threw pale and extremely useless light onto the odd girl and she glared at it.

Finally, her dad returned, his face a blank sheet of paper. They both climbed into the car; it was freezing and she pulled her knees up to her chest, blowing into her hands.

The first time you hear a gunshot you never forget it. Well, that’s not entirely true, if you hear the shot from a mile off, or even just a few yards off, the shock will be less. But in Alicia’s case the shot was right next to her ear, sending what was left of her fathers fragmented soul to a place that she did not understand.

She couldn’t stop screaming, but it didn‘t matter because she couldn’t hear her own voice.

There was a hole in the back of her dads head and he was slumped over the steering wheel; the keys fell from his hand. Without much thought as to who might have fired the shot, and without looking into the back seat where she would have seen a boy not much older then herself, she threw herself out of the car and ran faster than she ever had before. Gleaming blood froze on her face. She had no idea where she was going.