Topic ID: 31044
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Ringo_rules987
Senior Writer
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 Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:06 pm Post subject: Please Me |
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Please Me
Sing a tune for my hungry ears.
Murder me with the sound.
Give me life, wake me up.
I’ve lived in silence for so long.
Just serenade me in my sleep.
Don’t stop soothing my soul.
I want to stay content.
Can’t you stay for a bit longer?
Paint orchestras of sound within.
Make musical heaven.
Please dish out all you have.
Never give up, just don’t let go
You won’t be around much longer.
Why not sing till I cry?
That’s truly what’s wanted;
Feelings to know of existence.
I will forcefully make you stay,
Even if you go hoarse.
Better belt till I die.
Torture will come if you refuse.
Twisting your feeble arms and legs
Don’t scream, just keep singing.
Crying won’t do any good.
Please me till my blood curdles.
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Don't hesitate with your comments. |
Last edited by Ringo_rules987 on Tue Jun 03, 2008 9:18 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Love2act4ever
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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All I have to say is rate it. PG13/R
I really don't know which one. It was a very horrifying piece and makes you think.
The fact is that there are really people who think like this, who do this to other people and it is really sad, but what can we do.
Again there are a few missing commas/periods, but other then that it was well written.
Well done.
Josh |
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Bittersweet
R.I.P. Holly 1995-2008 (aka, I won NaNo).
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732 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. That's a little... eerie. I like it a lot though (it just kind of creeps me out).
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| Just Serenade me in my sleep |
Serenade doesn't need to be capitalized.
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Paint orchestras of sound within
Make musical heaven
Please dish out all you have
Never give up, just don’t let go |
Ooh, nice. A very beautiful stanza.
That's all I really have to say. But yeah, beautiful poem. Scary but gorgeous. Nice. 
Holly |
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Hope Night
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 3:54 am Post subject: |
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| It's a very beautiful piece. It is dark and full of passion. A bit horrific in some places but it was a lovely poem. Not in the light happy sense but in a deeper sense. |
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wisemann210
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 2:49 am Post subject: |
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this poem shouted death and despair, although i personally do not like poems like this, it was well written and it said something that made you think
good job
-jon- |
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RandomGrrl
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| Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 4:12 am Post subject: |
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"Paint orchestras of sound within.
Make musical heaven."
These lines are my favorite in here! Very effective and also beautiful. Very deep! The imagery is great and this is an all around great peice. Here's one that'll haunt ya!
*clicks shiny star*
 RG |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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This poem looked like it needed some love.
I think you have some really great lines here, or some great ideas. The first stanza has to be my favorite; the others seems too cluttered.
The first thing I notice is that some of the lines don't seem really needed, and I wish you said more things by assumption rather than saying them.
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I will forcefully make you stay,
Even if you go hoarse.
Better belt till I die.
Torture will come if you refuse.
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I can't think of a great way to explain it, but this is a good example for what I'm going after. You tell a lot - and you tell it to the "you" (I'll call it the "object" of the poem). Because you're talking to the object, you're not talking to your reader, and we miss out a lot of things - or at least don't get as much as we'd like. The telling makes for boring reading, too. There isn't anything flashy about the lines, they seem just thrown out there to say what you want them to.
Because the way the poem is written, a message to the object, it's hard for me to like it. It's put together in a way that makes creating poetic parts of it difficult.
The poem has this mixture of music/singing/sound and entrapment, pleasure, but I feel that you let that element die too easily, or at least, not be used to its fullest. I hate comparing things to my own poetry, but it's like Hit and Run. Rather than talk about driving and accidents vaguely while explaining the actions going on, I fused the two together, and used the mechanics of both to form a strange pictures - both things are going on at the same time, so it's almost hard to be sure which is really happening. If you can mix the mechanics of music/singing into the subject matter it would be a lot better. Although, honestly, music has often been related to sexual acts, so you might want to find something more original if you follow down that path.
Good luck! |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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Quite an unexpected theme, Ringo. I really did believe for a long time that there was nothing sinister about the speaker's wish for their love interest to sing to them. Then through some rather gruesome imagery and word choice I realised that it had an eerie, creepy twist! I enjoyed that aspect of it, so well done.
Sometimes you make bad and boring word choice, this especially:
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| Please dish out all you have. |
Read that over again. 'Dish' made me think of food, not music. I was like, what? Sometimes I think you also neglect your punctuation choices as well. There's too many short sentences for them to be effective. Really. I mean it. Hehe. Get my drift?
This repetition seems a bit unnecessary:
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| Never give up, just don’t let go |
'Never give up' Would be more hard hitting. I think, anyways. Also, if the sentence doesn't start after a full stop, don't feel the need to capitalise. It disturbs the flow.
Apart from this, I felt that it was nice and dark and had a good twist.
Keep writing!
Eimear |
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