Topic ID: 31013
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Wiggy
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
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334 Points
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 Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Oober cute! Want more soon!  I will do a proper crit later, promise. I just love your writing Ari! |
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bunnie_i_am
Junior Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 19 Jun 2008
Posts: 47
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200 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:53 pm Post subject: |
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wow! I like it! I love how you describe the characters and there fellings!
Keep writeing, and good luck! |
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Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
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Joined: 06 Jul 2008
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Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: I LOVE IT!!!!! |
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THIS WAS AMAZING! i LOVED EVERYBIT!! OMG! please write more please please! lol
I love the personalirty, I just love everything about it, I don't know what else to say!  Ur awesome!!! I'm going to read it again!!!there i read it again!
omg, I am jealous, lol! You are an amazing writer and I could never write like that! lol.
The whole connor sold his kidney thing was classic and just to funny, and the diolouge was so real and today.
I loved hte crack u made about homer too lol. I LOVE where this is going and I really am going to be checking on it soon! God, amazing. Jo forever! lol. *BRAVO!* |
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JFW1415
Team SPEW
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1002 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 6:03 pm Post subject: |
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*Takes a deep breath, then screams:* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Ahem… so, shall I be serious now? Si.
You asked for this critique in my 'Will Critique for Food' thread ages ago, but I'm just now getting to it. Why? 'cause I'm a super busy loser. But all the same, I am getting to it, and hopefully it will help? At the very least, it will make you come back to an old piece with fresh eyes, and that's always good.
So! Let's see how much I can tear this piece apart, si?
*Grabs popcorn*
*Begins singing the first bit*
Nit-Picks
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‘Cause she's bittersweet
She knocks me off of my feet
And I can't help myself
I don't want anyone else
She's a mystery
She's too much for me
But I keep coming back for more
She's just the girl I'm looking for
- Just the Girl, The Click Five |
*Grins* I love how you all start with amazing song lyrics.
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| I sometimes wondered, as all teenagers do, if there was something wrong with me. |
I'd ditch that part. It slows us down a lot, and this is the first sentence. We know that all teenagers do that – why lecture us in the first sentence? Besides, the next sentence pretty much states that.
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| We sat on the couch on Friday nights in our mismatched pajama sets, passing around bags of popcorn, and pretended that we just thought the actors on should there be a space here? screen were cute. |
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| Brad Pitt’s abdomen made me blush |
Heck yeah.
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“How do you know his birthday’s in January?” one girl wanted to know.
“He told me,” Loren said smugly, and the group sighed, a collective, jealous exhalation. |
This part bothered me. First there was just rumors, and that was great. But then a response to only one of the rumors? The dialogue tag is what ruined it for me – so sudden and… odd.
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| So I enjoyed throwing off the glamorous speculations with invented ones of my own, but they were all harmless, and usually so silly no one believed me, until the day I needed revenge. |
A bit confusing – I had to reread it.
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| The paper slipped from my hands when one of the freshmen bumped into me as she sprinted to class, and slid down the hallway, settling on top of Connor Stone’s shoe. |
The 'settling on Connor Stone's shoe' sounds like the freshman's doing it, simply because you just mentioned her. And I can't figure out who (or what) 'slid down the hallway.'
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| And within the space of fifteen seconds, Connor Stone managed to destroy my Calculus homework and five hours’ worth of hard labor. |
I don't feel anything here. Shouldn't I feel some sort of… emptiness? Dread? Also, add a line break or something after this.
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| “Nah, more like first eight. After that I just get bored. Better things to do.” |
*Glee* I loooooove him! Can I have him? Please? Please???
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| “And history, and Calculus, in about thirty seconds.” |
Should 'history' be capitalized?
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| I watched her drive away, windows down, the wind grabbing at strands of her dark ponytail. |
Barefoot?
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The sun reflected off her rearview mirror as she turned into the street, and mockingly, winked.
Heat rushed to my face. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong,” I said. |
In the first bit, I'd ditch the comma before 'winked.'
So, in the first bit, it sounds like she winked at him - which I loved. She was teasing him, which adds to the rumors, and explains why she was so... erotic with the socks, maybe when she first noticed him. But then in the library, she hadn't seen him? Yet doesn't have much reaction - doesn't slap him? I'd go with the first explanation - it works much better.
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| “Cool.” He slipped a book off the nearest shelf and flipped through it without reading any of it, then put it back in the wrong place. |
*Faints* Can I have him?
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| “I don’t think so.” I snapped the binder shut and moved his elbow off my backpack, intending to replace the binder and save the studying for later. |
I didn't like the repetition of the word 'binder,' and when had she taken one out?
Overall Comments
Just one thing: can I have him? Pleeeease?
'twas amazing, Princess.
Ooers! One more thing. I would like some more description in here. A lot of the time it feels like they're floating in space. Just little things about the atmosphere – the things you notice right away. In the parking lot, does the sun beat down on him? Are there cars there, or does it feel empty? Same with the library – give the feeling of it being quiet.
Also, try to work on their voices a bit more. Jo's is fine, but Connor's needs some work. The part about paying attention in lit class was great, but after that his voice blended with Jo's.
And don't forget the side characters. She had friends, and there were girls in love with Connor, but then they all just faded away. Sure, they can feel like they're the only people on Earth, but don't really make it that way. 
So! I'm done rambling. PM me for anything, si?
Oh, and *gold star.*
~JFW1415 |
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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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Curlyqpride
Senior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 06 Jul 2008
Posts: 221
Reviews: 27
Country: U.S.A
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jul 22, 2008 5:53 am Post subject: |
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| This story still haunts me, lol, PLEASE MAKE MORE! |
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CastlesInTheSky
to sleep, perchance to dream.
Novelist
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Age: 13
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 448
Reviews: 125
Country: second to the left and straight on 'till morning.
1119 Points
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| Posted: Mon Aug 04, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: Re: Crazy Little Thing I |
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Amazing. Hilarious. I read it straight through from beginning to end. It has an excellent plot, it's well written, it's funny and sensitive and the central characters are superbly portrayed. I think we have unearthed a prodigy.
You are just an amazing writer, and I really hope that one day I'll be able to write like you. *wistful sighing*
Sarah
xxx |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
Epic Novelist
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Joined: 14 Feb 2005
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Reviews: 698
Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything.
318 Points
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| Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 12:37 am Post subject: |
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I realize I'm really late in answering all of your wonderful comments, but I was in basic training this summer and had no computer access at the time they were all posted. So I'm catching up now.
Leahweird - LOL, funny line to like, but if you're happy I'm happy.
ashleylee - Thanks for your suggestions! I'll look into those three sentences.
Pattycakes - Thanks for the detailed look! I'm looking into tweaking some of the early Jo-Connor interaction. If you're worried about her just going to pieces every time he's around, though, trust me, you don't have to be. Connor gets what's coming to him.
Sela Locke - I'm glad you enjoyed it so much!
Wiggy - Love you too Mary
bunnie_i_am - Thanks for reading!
Curlyqpride - Hey! Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad you're enjoying this so far.
JFW - You = epic win. Thank you so much for all your comments! I agree with you, by the way. Connor may be capable of acting like a huge douchebag, but he is also uber sexy. Fun times.. XD
Castles In the Sky - Write what you need to read. Best piece of advice I've ever gotten. Most of my best pieces came out when I wrote for me, rather than for someone else; I think that's the only way it can ever really ring true. Glad you enjoyed it!
Thanks again to everyone for reading and commenting! Part II is posted and III is in the works. |
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savetheoceans
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 20 Jul 2008
Posts: 32
Reviews: 6
Country: United States
192 Points
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| Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: |
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That was great, very well written for a young adult story.
I would love to read the rest, or the entire story if you have it somewhere =]]]
The part where everyone is yelling at the guy because they thought he was deaf in one ear made me CRACK UP. Great sense of humor in your writing and wonderful dialogue between the two.
Interesting how he ends up telling her that he say her stripping beside her car. Why would he say that? Unless you have something going on later that will explain, I guess it's fine. Although I would hate to see you delete any scenes you've already written. There all so good =]
Keep up the greatttt work ! |
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Areida
The Warrior Princess Ari
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 14 Feb 2005
Posts: 4831
Reviews: 698
Country: no, not really. I don't have a hick accent or anything.
318 Points
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| Posted: Mon Nov 24, 2008 2:15 am Post subject: |
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savetheoceans - Yeah, I'm beginning to see that some things I thought were perfectly clear when I first wrote it have confused a few people, so when I go back and make my changes, there are quite a few sections I'll be looking over. Thanks for your suggestions! I'll be adding them to the list.
I'm glad you're enjoying it so far. Part II is posted if you're interested. Have a great night! |
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