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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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 Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 4:27 pm Post subject: That sun don't burn the earth |
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Don’t you ever wonder,
how much your stupid life’s worth?
'Cause in my world of downtown city streets,
that sun don’t even burn the earth.
Trying to imagine,
what it’s like to really cry,
to hold the hand of happiness,
right before you kiss it goodbye.
Chorus
‘Cause in my world of downtown city streets,
Smoking lungs and broken beats,
that sun don’t even burn the earth.
But that’s all in dream world,
and my eyes can’t look at what you see.
Right here the ground’s as dry as dust
and I ain’t got no soul sown to me.
‘Cause in my world of downtown city streets,
smoking lungs and broken beats,
that sun don’t even burn the earth.
You say that I’m a doomed youth
well, I’m eighteen years a man today!
I’m done caring that I don’t give a damn
and looking for that ray of light
to help me find my blinded way.
All I wanna know is,
America if you’re truly there…
Did something happen at my crummy birth?
Please God, can someone tell me why in my world
does the sun not burn the earth? |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 5:50 pm Post subject: |
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| OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHooooooooo, I like it. The song reminds me of the play "Rent". I liked that movie. Anyway, the song sounds like it should be sung on Broadway! Good job, but I only wish that I kind of got a hint of what the beat is going to be But I know it's really good! Keep up the good work! |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
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| Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I'm very inerested in this musical idea (it's something I'm considering myself) so I'm going t be very harsh. And feel free to PM me if you need any help with lyrics.
Don’t you ever wonder,
how much your stupid life’s worth? Get rid of the stupid. It disturbs the beat
'Cause in my world of downtown city streets,
that sun don’t even burn the earth. I'd get rid of the even. It sounds a lot smoother without it.
Trying to imagine, I'd make trying just Try
what it’s like to really cry,
to hold the hand of happiness,
right before you kiss it goodbye. This line needs work. The beat suddenly changes. Perhaps just, Before you kiss it goodbye.
Smoking lungs and broken beats, Smoking lungs? I'd change that just for a bit of clarity. Smokers lungs would be better.
But that’s all in dream world, Add in a my or the after in
and my eyes can’t look at what you see. The beat isn't working here. I'd change it
Right here the ground’s as dry as dust
and I ain’t got no soul sown to me. Same thing here. THis verse it more poetry than a song. Make this bit flow a bit more
You say that I’m a doomed youth
well, I’m eighteen years a man today!
I’m done caring that I don’t give a damn This line interuppts the rest of the verse, which is a good verse. Try to get rid of it, because it would sound so much better without it
and looking for that ray of light
to help me find my blinded way.
Overall, I think it's okay, but you need to work on your lyrics writing skills a bit more. Right now it's more poetry than a song because the beat I was using is interuppted quite a lot. It's got a good message, but I'd recommened going through it and signing it out loud to see where you have trouble.
PM me if you need to clarify anything, and if you post another song for this musical, I'm happy to tke a look at it. I'm hoping to write one sometime next year, so I'm very interested in what you're doing here.
Hope I helped and good luck! |
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Jared
because bears do it better
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 12:14 am Post subject: |
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I'm glad you told me this was up! Okay, let's see how I can help you.
BEAT THOSE DRUMS LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!
Uh, yes. This doesn't really have a beat, or a pulse. Musicals have beats in them. Even if you haven't heard the music part, the lyrics have a certain beat. Here... let me try something.
From Les Miserables:
| Quote: |
[VALJEAN]
What have I done?
Sweet Jesus, what have I done?
Become a thief in the night,
Become a dog on the run
And have I fallen so far,
And is the hour so late
That nothing remains but the cry of my hate,
The cries in the dark that nobody hears,
Here where I stand at the turning of the years? |
Can you find the pulse, or beat, in this stanza? It's quite simple to find it really. You can see it easily if you read it out loud. Go on. Read it out loud. Don't you feel something (a pulse, maybe?) when you read it? I do.
Your song currently lacks a pulse, which musicals desperately need.
| Quote: |
Don’t you ever wonder,
how much your stupid life’s worth?
'Cause in my world of downtown city streets,
that sun don’t even burn the earth. |
I agree with Choco, up there. Get rid of stupid. It's breaks the flow. Anyway, we want to get this stanza to look like the Les Miserables stanza up there. We need rhythm, or beat, or pulse. Whatever you're gonna call it.
I gotta go right now, but I'm gonna come back and edit this and finish.
Anyway, good job so far.
-Jared
EDIT: I'm back!
| Quote: |
Trying to imagine,
what it’s like to really cry,
to hold the hand of happiness,
right before you kiss it goodbye. |
Trash the 'right' in the last line. Unneeded. I like this stanza. Simple. To the point. Lovely pictures.
| Quote: |
‘Cause in my world of downtown city streets,
Smoking lungs and broken beats,
that sun don’t even burn the earth. |
This isn't really a full sentence. Let me put it this way.
'Cause in my world of downtown city streets, smoking lungs and broken beats, that the sun don't even burn the earth.
It's not really a sentence. In the last stanza, change 'that' to 'the.'
| Quote: |
But that’s all in dream world,
and my eyes can’t look at what you see.
Right here the ground’s as dry as dust
and I ain’t got no soul sown to me. |
The last line, again, is a bit awkward. How about exchange the 'no' to 'a'?
| Quote: |
| I’m done caring that I don’t give a damn |
I like this, but change 'that' to 'and.' Like the usage of the swear.
Hehe. I like this song. It's very singable. I would listen to it! I'm awaiting the next song. I can't offer any good, strong criticism, seeing as you're on the right path. Just keep doing this! If you need help, I'm here!
-Jared |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 642
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Country: In the land of bogs and emerald green.
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 3:52 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, thanks for all the great responses. Right now the reason there's no beat is because these are the raw lyrics without any music. I'm saving up for a keyboard so that I can teach myself to play and learn notes and all. My writing skills need a lot of work though in the meanwhile, so thanks again.
Eimear |
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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