Topic ID: 30854
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
1dering at stars
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Dec 2007
Posts: 202
Reviews: 101
Country: East of the sun and West of the moon
354 Points
|
 Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject: A Smile, and the World Stops Breathing |
 |
|
And then, the world ended.
The stars fell down like tear drops,
and I caught them in my palms as they trickled to the earth.
And I fell right through the floor,
as it heaved and breathed beneath me,
and I thought that I heard voices,
but it was just the silence.
You know,
I thought I saw you smile at me,
as I walked past you in the hallway. |
_________________
Of course it's happening in your mind, but why on earth should that mean it isn't real? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
SIC
Mindless Self Indulgence
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 100
Joined: 23 Feb 2008
Posts: 677
Reviews: 43
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: |
|
|
It was okay, but not fantastic. Infact, this poem is on the shorter side. The title, honestly doesn't fit in, and one sentence I didn't think was fit was
"And I fell right through the floor,
as it heaved and breathed beneath me,"
You've go the right idea, but you need to keep working.
Good job by the way.
.::=SIC=::.
(Sword In Chest) |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8725
Reviews: 2139
Country: USA
2087 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 3:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
Oooo! Pretty! 
And then, the world ended. <--- Love the beginning! But take away the comma and make the period a comma. 
The stars fell down like tear drops, <--- Once more, take away the comma.
and I caught them in my palms as they trickled to the earth. <--- Hehehe! Okay! This is probably too rantish, but instead of saying that they trickled down to earth, I would say something like they were weighted with gravity or something to make it sound a little more original. Like, "and I caught them in my pals as they, weighted by gravity, fell down in the floor." Or something! And then, for my next line, I would say, "And I fell with them..."
And I fell right through the floor, <--- Already commented on it. 
as it heaved and breathed beneath me, <--- What is "it"? The ambiguity of what "it" is kills your poem, so describe! Still, an easy fix.
and I thought that I heard voices, <--- More description would be nice here...
but it was just the silence. <--- ... and here.
You know, <--- I would change the comma into a colon (.
I thought I saw you smile at me, <--- Ew! Take away the comma!
as I walked past you in the hallway. <--- Oooo! I love the idea! But it's still a little clunky. Maybe just, "as I walked past you"? Or... no. That doesn't work. But play around with it! It'll get better... it already is pretty good. |
_________________
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh
Video Critiques by Yours Truly. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Frangipani
Novice
Gender:
Age: 98
Joined: 28 May 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 4
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 11:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
I like this poem a lot, but as aforementioned, it could do with a bit more length.
| Quote: |
And then, the world ended.
The stars fell down like tear drops, |
I like the way that you started the poem here but using 'And then', so it sounds like you're half way through. I thought that worked well.
I don't think you should change much, or it will loose its essence, but a few changes could be made. I agree with what Sword in Chest said about the line "as it heaved and breathed beneath me,", although I do like the line before that. Maybe use a lighter word instead of 'heaved'? If that makes sense.
I really like this though! There aren't many big errors! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
white desert
Novice
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 08 Mar 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Nice! I like the enthusiasm of the end, where it turns out that it was just a boy smiling at you as you passed him in the hallways. It expresses a lot of emotion, and it described what a lot of people think of boys they like. sure, it could have been a little better on some parts, like the part of the floor breathing, and I'm sorry, but it sounds like something that would make me laugh, no offense. So, just a few quirks of the poem and it's great! So, don't quit writing, and have fun with it. |
_________________
"Listen to what your heart tells you, not what your heart is told."
-me |
|
| Back to top |
|
andrew.j.m
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 24
200 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 4:55 am Post subject: |
|
|
This was great. I looked at it and thought it was way to short to be any good, but reading it...and wow.
At first I thought this was going to be about death or something but the spin you put on it was a lot better.
You're probably one of my favorite writers now just because of this. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Angel of Death
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 868
Reviews: 407
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1407 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Wow-o-wow!
I love how this started and how it ended. Usually I don't like short poems but this was great. You made this seem so surreal but then it ended simply. Simply beautiful.
Good Job
-Angel |
_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
