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Margaret Goes to Badlington Estate
Margaret Goes to Badlington Estate

by lhighton in Historical Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on May 27, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Magic of the Four Elements~prologue
Magic of the Four Elements~ Chapter 1
Magic of the Four Elements~chapter 2
Magic of the Four Elements-Chapter 3 (Part one)
Magic of the Four Elements~chapter 3 (part two)

Magic of the Four Elements~Chapter 4 (part one)
Topic ID: 30778
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C.J. Mustang   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2008 3:21 am    Post subject: Magic of the Four Elements~Chapter 4 (part one) Reply with quote

Chapter 4

Alexandra awoke with a start. As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she shivered in the cool air. The sun barely peaked over the trees, marking the beginnings of night. She hadn't gotten much sleep for the past couple of days because of reoccurring nightmares of battle and bloodshed. Although, the nightmare wasn't what caused her to awaken. She let go of her thoughts momentarily as a strange noise ripped through the oncoming night. It sounded almost like a little boy's cry for help. Leaving her book on the bench, she rose and walked over to the edge of the forest.

It got darker the further she looked in, but Alexandra was more curious than scared as she heard the boy's cry floating through the trees again. She looked back towards the house, debating whether or not she should just go back into the house or if she should check to see if the boy was okay. She bit her lip and went inside, determined to find the owner of the voice. She strained her ears against the snapping of twigs under her feet and pushed past the tree branches which scratched her arms and face. After a few feet, a shiver ran up her spine and her hands shook uncontrollably. She wound her clammy hands in her skirt, trying to calm them down, not wanting to give up her quest on finding the child. As the voice became more distant, Alexandra ran, trying to pinpoint the voice but suddenly it evaporated into thin air. She started breathing heavily and looked around, with a sinking feeling in her chest. The pine trees all looked the same to her, the paths between them identical.

She took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of the fresh air and pine trees, trying to calm herself down.

Suddenly, Alexandra heard another noise above her in the tree. The hairs raised on her arms as the voice turned from a boy's cry for help into an evil laugh, full of cunning and torture. She looked up and saw a shadowy winged figure falling fast right above her. The moon glinted slightly off of its silver feathers, while it was mostly in shadows. She could smell the rotten flesh and blood, complete with body odor not even imaginable. As it cackled its delight, she screamed and ran. Her heart beat hard and fast in her chest, her breathing shallow and heavy, her palms sweaty. She roughly pushed away tree branches as they scratched her palms and pulled at her hair.

"Yes!" it screeched, its voice like nails on a chalkboard. "Make that wonderful sound, that way it will be more of a pleasure eating you!"

Alexandra could smell its rancid, foul breath filling her nose. She turned her head and saw that it wasn't that far away from her. Just then, she tripped over a tree branch and the forest floor greeted her face. She scrambled away from the Steelback, looking around frantically for a place to hide, knowing she wouldn't be able to outrun it. Trying to pull out her dagger hidden in her boot, she looked ahead and saw a man in front of her, coverd in shadow.

"Cover your head," he said roughly.

Alexandra did as the man said, abandoning her last resort of self defense, blood pounding in her ears. She looked back just in time to see fire shooting towards the Steelback. The brightness of the flames on its steel feathers shone so bright the she had to look away. Its twisted face filled with fear and pain as it gave one last bloodcurdling scream. Alexandra jumped out of the way as its limp body fell to the ground with a thud. She walked towards it, covering her nose, attempting to block out the stench while keeping a safe distance away in case it somehow came back to life.

She could see that it was male, because of its face and chest were those of a mans. Where its neck would've been was instead white fluff, and the rest of its body was exactly like giant bird with steel feathers.

Alexandra looked back towards the where the man was supposed to be standing, but she couldn't see anything from the smoke of burning flesh and the darkness combined. Alexandra rubbed her clammy palms on her dress, trying to stop shaking and calm down so she could think clearly.


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Last edited by C.J. Mustang on Fri May 30, 2008 1:04 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu May 29, 2008 6:38 pm    Post subject: Re: Magic of the Four Elements~Chapter 4 (part one) Reply with quote

Here goes my critique. Key:
Red= comments
Bold= Words or sentences that I think would fit better (sometimes I simply delete words and put my bold words in their place and other times I strikethrough your words and write what I think should go there next to it in bold) depends what type of mood I'm in.
Okay, let's get this thing started !
C.J. Mustang wrote:
Chapter 4

Alexandra awoke with a start. She sat beside the house on a bench that faced the garden, a book in her lap. not really needed, better to keep going with the next sentence As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she shivered in the cool air. The sun barely peaked over the trees, marking the beginnings of night. She hadn't gotten much sleep for the past couple of days, but not because of her vision of the Steelback The end of this sentence doesn't really fit. I know you want to tell your readers that she didn't have a nightmare/vision about steelback but instead take out this end and keep going with the next sentence .This vision had been different. It involved wars and battles and bloodshed. Although, the nightmare wasn't what caused her to awaken. She let go of her thoughts momentarily as a strange noise ripped through the oncoming night. It sounded almost like a little boy's cry for help. Leaving her book on the bench, she rose and walked over to the edge of the forest.

It got darker the further she looked in, but Alexandra was more curious than scared as she heard the boy's cry floating through the trees again. She bit her lip and went inside, determined to find the owner of the voice. Here is where you should be describing more. What does the forest look like? Do brambles scratch at her skin? Do owlls hoot and scare her? Talk about how she's feeling more here. After a few feet, a shiver ran up her spine and her hands shook uncontrollably. She wound her hands in her skirt, trying to calm them down, not wanting to give up her quest on finding the child. As the voice became more distant, Alexandra ran to the voice trying to pinpoint the voice but until it suddenly it evaporated into thin air. She was so intent on finding the owner of the voice, she had gotten herslef lost and forgot the way she had come. Again, too much telling. Have her look around, out of breath and then slowly have the feeling of being lost sink into her heart. Now she's alone in the middle of the woods, she should be scared. Don't tell the readers she's lost. Show us. She looked all around, but couldn't find the direction she had gone. The pine trees all looked the same to her, the paths between them identical.

She took a deep breath, breathing in the scent of the fresh air and pine trees, trying to calm herself down.

Suddenly, Alexandra heard another noise right above top of her in the trees. The hairs raised on her arms as a piercing cackle, an evil laught echoed in her eardrums turning into not a boy's cry for help, but an evil laugh, full of cunning and torture. the moon glinted slightly off of its silver feathers. I didn't know what exactly you were talking about here. She can see the owner of the voice? It seemed as if she could only hear it, not see it before. Clarify by showing us what's going on She could smell right away the rotten flesh and blood, complete with body odor not even imaginable. She looked up and saw a shadowy winged figure falling fast right above her. As it cackled its delight, she screamed and ran, suddenly very afraid for her life. SHOW SHOW SHOW! Have her heart pound, have her palms be sweaty, have her run blindly through the woods, tree branches pulling at her hair. She should be afraid for her life, we want to experience her fear

"Yes!" it screeched, its voice like nails on a chalkboard. "Make that wonderful sound, that way it will be more of a pleasure eating you!"

Alexandra could smell its rancid, foul breath filling her nose. A glint from There's a word missing here, a glant from...what? the caught the corner of her eye as flames shot from Steelback's mouth I think that's what you were trying to say? . The brightness What brighteness? The moonlight? or were his wings just bright? Be specific shone on its steel feathers and she could barely see from the glare of them. Its twisted face filled with fear and pain as it gave one last bloodcurdling scream. She jumped out of the way as its limp body fell to the ground with a thud. She walked towards it, covering her nose and attempting to block out the stench while keeping a safe distance away in case it somehow came back to life. She could see that it was male, because of its face and chest were those of a mans. Its neck was replaced with white fluff, and the rest of its body was exactly like giant bird with steel feathers. I am so confused as to what happened here. Reread this and show us what happens. I figured out the brighteness was some kind of magic but other than that I got lost. Take it slower, it seemed too rushed and it hurt's the readers understanding.

As Alexandra looked towards where the fire came from, she couldn't see anything from the smoke of the burning flesh and the darkness combined. Alexandra rubbed her clammy palms on her dress, trying to stop shaking and calm down so she could think clearly.


Overall Comments/Suggestions:

Good job! You have a lot of great ideas here and the makings of a very interesting plot! Just a couple of suggestions below.

Writing:
Watch out for too much telling! I really want to be able to see what's going on. Now that doesn't mean describe every single detail but at least try and pull the reader into your world. You need more description, more emotion, and you need to slow down a little bit. Overall, your writing felt a little too rushed. Slowing down, relive her fear, have her escape be longer, talking about how she feels, what she sees, what she smells, what she hears more!

Character:
I really don't know a lot about her. You need to try and develop her more. Just from the escape scene I couldn't tell if her personality was brave and courageous or fearful and timid. You just say "suddenly she was frightened". Since she walked into the woods I think she would be outgoing but you really need to elaborate on that. Maybe at first she doesn't run and tries to battle the creature or you could take the exact opposite approach and have fear set into her heart and then she runs. But really, we need to be able to believe that walking into the forest looking for the source of a boy crying for help is something that she would do and then run away. Just be more careful about that.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me (I know my critiques can get a little confusing). Overall, well done! Keep up the good work!

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