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ChernobyllyInclined
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 Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:44 am Post subject: |
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"I'm alooot like you, so please, I'm yours, I'm waaaiiting. I think I'd be gooooood for you and youuuu'd be goooood for me."
That's what I thought.
Anyway, another terrible cliffhanger that doesn't like me at all. You do this on purpose, you little "and proceeded to lie on the table".
I actually only noticed proof-reabable technical issues and, honestly, this stayed pretty consistent. I like the family and I don't think I could write people the way you do. My dialogue always sounds the same, but, especially in this particular story, your characters all sound very different.
I'm sad that we never actually get to talk to Delys. He always comes in for a second and then disappears. I know in the next chapter it will start where she is running away and Delys' voice fading in the backround...
And, my only criticism is PEOPLE. There were five characters at the beginning of the story. Only one made it to the second chapter. I am not happy about that. You keep leading me on about Jason and then he never comes. I am sad.
Buuuuuut, of course, I liked it. And I am waiting for the chapters that include my beloved. |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 7:27 pm Post subject: |
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Don't worry, she isn't escaping this time. Bad for Aslina - good for you. And then Jason and Yel come back in... I guess it would be the next chapter... Hmm, yes, I think so.
But you need to stop telling me lied, 'cause I didn't. I never said when Jason was returning, only that it would happen - eventually. So stop being impatient, and wait your turn. You and Delys might end up fighting over him, although you might want him for entirely different reasons.  |
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LittleBitCold
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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OMG!!!! You ended at the most exciting place eveveveeerrr!!
I love the little baby...he is soooo cute and I love how I can't even tell what hes saying sometimes. Chali...it reminds me of a little kid who cant say his 'r's.
Delys is the funniest vampire EVER. I love how he makes it all a joke and at the same time he just wants to EAT EVERYBODY!!! Okay, not exactly. *got too excited and is now hiding under the bed* I wish you would make longer chapters!!!
But I'm still a little confused. Delys/other vampires don't usually come into the werewolf forest thing. But Delys DOES because he wants to get at Aslina....I thought werewolves didn't taste good to vampires? I guess I was wrong. But I want to know more!!! right now |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 5:10 am Post subject: Chapter Six |
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C H A P T E R S I X
“That’s great, honey. I just - I don’t have time for…” The woman who strode into view stopped abruptly, staring at the two girls.
Later, Aslina would swear that for the shortest second, she had seen the woman’s pupils swallow her green irises. Almost as if a black hole had sucked out all the color. They were searching for something that lay within this girl, something important.
“Oh, it’s you! Aslina Chaeurette, believe it or not I knew your mother. Yes, it may come as a surprise, but my goodness! You, I’m happy to say, took after both your parents quite a lot. Your father’s nose, and his beautiful green eyes, but you have her lips. Those dainty little lips of hers. Hah! She hated them so much! It’s a good thing you didn’t get her eyes, though. Yes, that was certainly a stroke of luck.”
She stood in the doorway for a moment, eyes (that were back to normal) clouding over with something Aslina imagined were mere memories of her own past. Then she ushered them inside, sitting them down in a squishy couch which lounged in the corner of the hut.
“I’m finishing dinner. Just stay there, alright?”
She rushed away to another room of the house, chattering animatedly to herself.
“What was that all about? And how could she have… have known my Mom?”
Escarne looked at Aslina calmly, a frown puckering her brow.
“I thought I told you. They… they used to hang around here. A long time ago, before Mom got married. Then one night, they ran into this guy who was meandering through the woods. Both our Mom’s felt he was evil, but he kept acting so nice. Polite, not drunk, and very, very handsome. That’s what Mom said, at least. Then they heard this noise a little up ahead as they were walking and talking, and Mom said she would go ahead, and for your Mom and this gentleman to stay behind. They forgot to not trust him, I guess. So she went up ahead, and couldn’t find anything dangerous. She came back, and they were gone. Just - gone. No traces, no scents, nothing. She said she just stood there for awhile. But then her nose warned her. A smell that she knew instinctively was everywhere. The same one you found when Del- De- when he was chasing us.”
“Death.” Aslina remembered that smell, that horrible, sickly sweet scent, and shivered, turning with horrified eyes to the former wolf.
“Yeah. But she said it wasn’t… wasn’t quite like death. She said there was another smell, something she couldn’t ever put her claw - finger on. And then she heard him calling. She’s… she’s never told me what he said. My Mom sprinted home as fast as she could, and never came back. And she told me that… that she didn’t ever see your Mom again.”
Aslina opened her mouth to ask the question she’d been mulling over in her mind since she’d met this odd girl. It seemed that if she didn’t ask it then, she might never. And for a moment, she hesitated, wondering if she really should.
“Es…?”
Escarne turned to her, plain curiosity on her face.
Aslina opened her mouth, about to let it all spill out-
“Essi! Essi you homes!”
A little brown-haired boy skittered in, his green eyes distracting Aslina – reminding her vividly of Jason.
“Chals! I’m sorry I didn’t get to say good bye to my favorite brother. Will you… will you forgive me?” Escarne looked sheepishly at her small brother.
“Wells.. okays. Bu’ onlies ifs yooz tells Challi whez yew went. Chals wuz wurrid.”
Es sighed, his intense adorableness vanquishing her resolve.
“Alright. Get up here, little fluff.” She pulled him onto her lap, wrapping her arms around his waist.
“Challi Fang, this is Aslina…?”
Es looked questioningly at Aslina, who quickly realized what she was wondering.
“Oh, Aslina Twar.”
“Right. Challi Fang, this is Aslina Twar. Aslina C. Twar, this is Challi B. Fang.”
Chals proffered his pudgy hand for his acquaintance to shake.
“It bees vurry niss tuh metz yooz, Ashlins See Turr.”
Aslina smiled sweetly at the child, instantly falling for Chals.
“You can just call me Lins. And how old are you? Wait, wait! Lemme guess… Twenty-five?” She had baby-sat before, and she’d always had a soft-spot for little kids, even when they were rich, selfish brats. When she saw them like that, she wanted so badly to help them. She could tell Chals was exactly what she’d always envisioned for those children to become.
“No, silly! I beez t’ree an’ wun quarrer.” He stopped, looking up at her with a shy pride. “Doos I rellie lukk da’ uld?”
Aslina nodded emphatically. “Are you kidding me? You could be thirty, you look so grown up! You’re sure you’re not twenty-five? Or at least twenty?”
Chals smiled happily, laying his head on his sister’s chest.
“Yuss, I beez cumpeet’y shuz.”
“Escarne! Escarne! I need your help with dinner!” A voice called from the kitchen.
“Hey Chals, you want to come and help Mom with dinner?”
Challi had revealed a sweet side of Es, and for once she was the kind big sister, instead of the disdainful companion.
“No! I wanna ‘tays hurr wiv… wiv her!”
He pointed at Aslina, offended that Es had forgotten how good friends he was with the dirt-flecked teen.
“Oh, but Chals—“
“It’s alright. He can stay if he wants to. Go help your Mom.” Aslina said quickly, happy that Chals liked her.
“Okay. Just send him out when—“
“Juss go, Essi!” Challi directed her to the kitchen, then scrambled back to the couch, beaming at Aslina.
His new friend paused, sniffing the air cautiously.
“Chals… does it smell weird to you too?”
Challi waved his hand airily, dismissing the tone of worry in her voice.
“Nopes. Iz juss Mom cookin’ dinna.” He wrinkled his noise, leaning in close to whisper in her ear. “It duzint smells vurry gud, yoosuly.”
Aslina opened her mouth to protest his indifference, distracted as Chals latched onto her arm. He looked up, staring solemnly into her eyes with his own, pale green ones.
“I beez huggin’ yooz.”
She laughed, hugging him back as best she could.
“Why thank you! Chals, you really are a gentleman. Say, what is your Mommy cooking?”
Chals smiled modestly, and wriggled away, catching a scent in the air.
“Waits - yooz rite. Durrz bee a bad smells. Buh wha’ izzit? Not Mommy’s cookin’ eita. Iz smell reals ucky. Ohs, wha’ it beez?”
He pounded the couch in frustration, his tousled, light brown hair waving this way and that.
“Dinner time!” Escarne’s voice rang from the kitchen, and Chals jumped up, forgetting his anger.
“Weez cummin’!” he called, turning to Aslina, “Cummon, Ashlins! Ees di’er times!”
She followed him into the kitchen, the strange smell fading, replaced by wafts of delicious food.
“It’s nothing much. Just fresh bread, and turkey. And – of course – some milk.”
Escarne rolled her eyes at her mother’s modesty, seeing the blissful look in Aslina’s eyes.
They all sat down in the tiny kitchen, talking about light-hearted things that never once strayed in the direction of Aslina’s ill-fated journey.
“Well! That was quite a spread, Mrs. Fang. How long have you been cooking?”
Aslina patted her full stomach, watching the woman blush with embarrassment.
“Oh, it’s really nothing. And please, call me Sarra. Your – your Mother did.”
There followed a few minutes of contented silence, while everyone scraped the last of their meal off their plates, hoping the little tidbits managed to find some place in their stuffed stomachs.
“So… where did you say you’re Dad went, Es?” Aslina hiccupped, not merely because the silence didn’t seem to want to end.
“Oh – that. He’s off hunting with the pa- er, with some friends.”
A nerve twitched in Aslina’s eyelid, hinting for her to narrow her eyes. It seemed to happen when someone was lying – or telling half the truth. She decided this wouldn’t be a good time to find out, and so changed the subject.
“Chals, you little liar, I thought you said that your Mommy’s cooking was bad!” She frowned at him, but that was cancelled out by the silly smile on her face.
“I sed it duzzint smells tha’ gud, nutt dat it wuzzint tha’ gud. En ennyweyz, it onlies smells bad tuh mee cuz—“
At that moment, Es shot him an amazingly sharp glare, and he stopped, smiling angelically at her.
Aslina pretended none of it had happened.
---
To Chern especially - Jason apologizes for his lack of existence in this chapter, and Delys promises he shall arrive in the next. |
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"People are stupid, because stupidity loves them with a great passion. Love the stupidity back, dear. Love it so I can call you a conformist."
-Loicantt
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:10 am; edited 1 time in total |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 1:16 am Post subject: |
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Well, very exciting, to say the least. Although I can't help admitting, however unnecessary it might be, that I'm slightly tired of people/things with NO conscious whatsoever. Not even a hint of one. They can only be so interesting, something I learned the LONGER way.
I only noticed your normal dialogue problems--which you need to fix YOURSELF--but everything else was fine.
The dialogue is good--as in, I can tell the characters apart--and it's amusing. The description is good--although I would like to see you describe something like a cathedral or a city just to get you out of the woods. The plot seems a little bit shaky since I'm not altogether certain how and why he wants her. Like James, maybe? Just for the fun of it? (I know you described it but it didn't seem to fit exactly).
The hypnosis thing MAY be adding more than is necessary. 'Specially since it's a Kayo thing. Although it did work fine.
Your writing is very good, and seems to be improving, but I still think your imagination is wild enough that you could go somewhere far from forests and sociopaths and find something gold and awesome. But like I said, I can't help liking your stories... |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:33 am Post subject: |
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| The funny thing is, well... I didn't that totally unconsciously. I'm just drawn to forests, dahhling. Ah well, SB is moving along nicely, and I believe I have plenty of chapters to post. Too bad no one but you and LittleBC ever review. ;-; |
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"People are stupid, because stupidity loves them with a great passion. Love the stupidity back, dear. Love it so I can call you a conformist."
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LittleBitCold
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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.....Wow. That was sooooo good. Delys is completely amazing and I love him. I have to disagree with Chern...sociopaths NEVER get boring...*cough* sprite *cough*
I think the language in this one was better. I liked the way you described the way Lins was feeling and the way Delys sounded and looked and all that. It was incredible. I also liked the way he can HYPNOTISE!!! That was crazy and totally original...if he would have been able to read minds I would have been peeved....haha. but I love it!!!
I can't believe you left off at the exact WRONG point!! Is he going to turn her into a vampire or is he going to kill her!?!?! AAAHHHH!!! The suspense is too muchhhhhhhhhhhhh
So i love it. WRITE MORE NOOOOOWWWWW (amd read mine) |
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Sela Locke
Senior Writer
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Country: somewhere deep in the Pacific.
485 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 7:27 am Post subject: C H A P T E R S E V E N |
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C H A P T E R S E V E N
“So… are there any other va- I mean, any more of Delys’ kind in these woods?” She knew it wasn’t a very good subject opener, but curiosity took its toll on her intelligence.
“Not that we know of. They smell – well, they just don’t like these woods… I’m not entirely sure why.”
Once again, silence began to settle in. Aslina knew that Sarra was lying, but not maliciously. She prepared again to ask the question that had been nagging her for so long.
“Let’s go sit in the living room, shall we? There’s a fresh breeze, and it’s rather stuffy in here.”
Aslina stopped a sigh from slipping out, following the little procession to the rug by the fire.
They sat down in a little square, Aslina with her back to the fresh breeze. At first, her nose was too clogged with the good smells of dinner to pick up anything other than grass, trees, and clear, fresh air, but then it came again. She looked around at the three before her, and froze on Sarra’s face.
“Aslina.” Es’ mother said quietly.
“Yes?”
“Do you smell that – that thing in the air?”
Aslina paused, then nodded, her heart racing as it had when – Shiz, she thought, wondering if it was already too late.
Sarra stood abruptly, obviously fighting to keep the fear from her voice.
“Escarne, you smell it too, don’t you?”
“Yes, I – I do.” Aslian could tell that the eighteen-year-old was struggling to sound calm.
Sarra nodded decisively, surveying the faces of her two children. Chals was scared, Es looked – shocked.
Sighing, Es’ mother picked Challi up, placing a hand on Aslina’s shoulder.
“Let’s take a stroll over to Lathos’ house, shall we? We have Lady Luck to thank if she helps us get there safely, and—”
“Don’t bother. She has always liked me more.”
Aslina grudgingly turned her head towards the voice, heart stopping as she saw who was leaning in the doorway, eyes dancing with a certain enjoyment.
He reached into his jean pocket, somehow pulling out a full can of beer.
“Hey Lins! Let’s take a walk. Drinks on me.”
“Oh, I’d rather not. Still underage, if you remember.”
She winked at him teasingly, knowing that in the end he’d probably win the argument. Yet something urged her to be resistant, and she set a determined sneer firmly on her rosy lips.
Escarne caught on quickly.
“Yea-yeah. And did you hear about the mountain lion attack? Not safe out there.” She nodded sagely, trying to keep the stutter from her voice.
“Hey, no problem. It wasn’t really a mountain lion anyways. Funny, I didn’t realize how much I looked like one. Then again, humans will do practically anything to make sure their world is as ‘real’ – in their own pathetic definition of the word – as possible.”
He matched Aslina’s sneer with one of his own, playing idly with the beer can.
“What is it with you guys and picking on my race? I mean, it’s not as if… as if either of your kind are any better.”
She tried not to think of Delys attacking a defenseless old woman, decidedly confident.
“Yeah, well,” the parasite struck a ridiculous pose, leaning against the doorframe coolly. “I didn’t come here to argue the pros and cons of each particular race.”
He looked meaningfully at Aslina – or rather, at her neck.
“No, you didn’t… But if you supposed I would take a walk with you, well, - I just didn’t know guys of your kind were that stupid. Maybe the girls are smarter.” She added, the sneer fading on its own.
“Females, smarter? If I was easily offended, I’d- but no, I don’t see any particular reason to care. After all, potential meals shouldn’t have feelings. Or at least, those who hunt them should not have to be bothered by their whining. It does get boring – having to listen to those ridiculous pleas. And it becomes harder to not feel a certain sympathy, the younger they are. As you take their lives, you can almost see their futures melting away, just as their strength dwindles within them...”
Aslina blinked apathetically, realizing with an abrupt, heart-stopping horror that she was strolling along at Delys’ side, his icy arm flung over her shoulders.
The parasite laughed, eyes twinkling with cruel amusement.
“I can’t even begin explain how much I love to do that. My talent worked surprisingly well, even for the dogs. Usually they only end up restless, but they were too touched by my precious complaints, too united with all those damned, dead humans and werewolves that disappear in this forest. However, I doubt I shall ever feast upon old ladies again. They taste… like someone left them in the sun too long.”
He made a sour face, and Aslina’s stomach twisted, a feeling of intense hatred rendering her nearly blind for a moment.
“And you, who must be some disgusting mistake of Mother Nature, you claim to be better?” She growled, trying to desperately to hide the fear writhing inside of her, at his show of utter shamelessness.
“Mistake? I see myself more as one who helps to weed out the idiots in this imperfect world. Some lucky dude who gets to go around killing other people, with a perfect justification: Survival.”
A frown set carefully in place, Aslina shrugged his arm off. He pulled it back over her shoulders, this time much firmer. She sighed, then remembered something abruptly.
“What about animal blood? Can’t you drink it instead? Not that you’re one to be humane.”
Delys raised an eyebrow, smirking at what Aslina supposed was her own ignorance.
“Oh, I can. I tried some elephant blood once. But,” he paused - Aslina could tell it was merely to phrase his words in the most evil, dramatic way possible. “I like human blood better. Besides, animals don’t feel pain the same way. They don’t plead, or scream, or thrash around – or for the last one, they don’t do it so much.”
Her stomach did an extra theatrical twist, and she fought to keep calm. So he really was that evil?
-----
I know it's long, but I had to find a good place to stop.
I want some reviews - c'mon! Need opinions, y'all. =D |
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"People are stupid, because stupidity loves them with a great passion. Love the stupidity back, dear. Love it so I can call you a conformist."
-Loicantt
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:14 am; edited 2 times in total |
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LittleBitCold
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:20 am Post subject: |
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WHAT!!?? what what what what!!!??? Noone else has reviewed?!?! Absolutely stupid. >>
Gosh, this was amazing....i'm afraid my stories have TOO much down time but yours just NEVER stop moving!! Personally, I like it, but I'm not sure how well it would work in a novel...since this is obviously too long to be a short story.
I LOVE DONOVAN MCMERDOCK!!! haha!!! That was so awesome when he did that!! And i totally love Jason and how he played that trick that almost broke her neckkk....I see romance ahead...
The only thing I don't understand is why he doesn't just kill her friends and then make her into a vampire. I also dont understand why he suddenly remembers that this other person wants to see her. maybe it makes sense and i'm just to dumb to get it. But maybe it needs to be clearer--is that even a word!!???
Anyway...IM IN LOVE WITH YOuR VAMPIRE but I'm also confused. Help me out....
Oh. and I don't know when i'll have more chapters of THE END and sprite story. I'm kind of in writers block mode...just got back from Chicago and summer is always super unhelpful to my writing...my stupid boyfriend is so damn distracting.................<3 but i love im...haha |
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Luvzi12
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 2:22 pm Post subject: Re: Sourblood |
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I really enjoyed this and was hooked from the very beginning, it is very well-written and I really got a sense of the scene and could picture a scared and excited sixteen-year-old at the back of a truck under the starry-night sky.
However, here's a few things I thought you could consider editing:
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| Yelznise complained bitterly, her short blonde hair whipping around her anxious face. |
This line has a lot of description. Too much, I think. Perhaps remove either the word 'bitterly' or 'anxious'.
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| she handed the little object to Yel |
Did I miss something? What is the little object? Because you haven't mentioned it previously you should either put a sentence before it saying something like "Aslina rolled a small object around her hands", or more appropriately, just change the word 'the' to 'a', because 'the' implies the reader should already know what the object is, making people like me re-read the start in case I missed something, which is annoying! 
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| she could almost catch a song in its flow. |
It's just the word 'flow' here. I don't think the wind 'flows', I mean it's just my opinion but that has connotations of river. A river flows, wind blows. That's just me being picky though 
Also, I'm really confused as to whether or not the truck is moving. I was picturing them sat at the back of the truck, and then Aslina was walking around off the truck when the beer bottle rolled over her feet, because after she threw it there was "a moment of silence," which you wouldn't have if the truck was moving because it's never really quiet on the road. Maybe you could say it felt like time stopped for a moment?
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| Her fingers curled around the shiny object, shaking with sorrow… or was it rage? |
I thought Yelznise had the object?
in the corner of a truck?
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| For a moment, time seemed to freeze, |
I was writing this critique as I was going along, so I se you have already used the 'stopping of time' technique, so maybe the silence previously could be written as 'For Aslina, there was a moment of silence...'
Maybe she saw everything?
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| she was flung bodily |
Perhaps it's just me, but I don't really understand how someone can be 'flung bodily'...
Am not too keen on the ending, in fact I was kind of hoping for a different story entirely, that this girl was about to head off into an amazing adventure of some kind. This story seemed like a warning of "don't sneak off and have fun because you will most likely die," whereas I believe that people should be more adventurous and free and not tied down by this fear. But, it's your story and I did really like the start. Maybe if you were more consistent (a criticism I noticed in another post) with your description then it would be more interesting.
Also, what was the object from her mother? I never found out and I'm so curious! I haven't read the next parts though, I will do that now! But this is my criticism so far, and maybe my comment about the wreckage being to boring is to be unfounded and I will retract my statement. Although I do think it's written about in a slightly half-hearted way, as JFW1415 stated, it is kind of flat, but judging by the changes you seem to have made so far, it seems like you will be able to adapt it no problem to make it more exciting! xxx |
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Luvzi12
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, now I'm reviewing chapter 2!
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| other scents she wasn’t sure of helping her racing heart to calm and slow. |
I don't think you need both words 'calm' and 'slow.' Just one should be fine.
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| Then she heard a husky voice pulling through the fog |
I don't like the idea of starting a sentence with 'then', it's quite a juvenile way of writing, kind of like that drive-thru monitor on 'Dude where's my car' "and then....and then..." (sorry, if you haven't seen it, this won't make much sense hehe!) Anyway, I think you should link it to the sentence above instead of alienating it into a paragraph by itself.
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| “Listen,” Aslina slurred dazedly, opening her eyes. “I dunno what’s going on, but I’d like to go home if that’s… okay…” she trailed off when she realized where she was. |
Where is she? you haven't told the reader and I'm curious as to where she is. Have they moved her somewhere, or is she in the road? The side of the road? Still in the truck?
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| orangey-brown eyes |
Maybe just 'orange-brown eyes', rather than 'orangey'
Also, I don't see the point of this line of description: "There were a few highlights of red in it, and his irises seemed to get darker by the second." it seems a bit excessive, but that's just me being facetious I think!
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| She turned her head towards the speaker, and the moment they locked eyes he seemed to age, from thirty to fifty. His brown hair was suddenly tinged with grey, and wrinkles appeared where there had been none before. He stared down his blunt nose at her, shaking his head in disbelief. |
I don't get it... why did he seem to age before her eyes?
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| His green eyes were full of regret, |
What's with all the eye descriptions? it seems a bit excessive.
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| Aslina steeled herself |
I like this phrase!
Urrm... I'm going to leave my criticism here for now and I've decided that if you would like some more critque then i will share it, but I feel that I've critiqued a fair amount and don't want you to think I am being insulting or picking on you or something because I do like the ideas and i do think the story got more interesting as it continued. i just can't help thinking that the first and second chapters don't really connect. It seems to jump from a mundane 'girl sneaks out, has car crash' story, to 'fantasy, vampiric, run for your life adventure' story, so i don't know if that was intentional, but I wonder if you should either add more suspense to the beginning of the story, or break it away entirely and write a new start, because I really like the image of the girl on the truck, and i think you've really impacted a strong image on me there. I always think strong imagery is the foundation for stories like Dumbledore in the street at the very start of the Harry Potter books, and I think you were able to evoke a similar strong impacting scene at the beginning, but I think you lost this style in the second chapter.
However, at the same time you do seem to have some fans on here, so i will leave it to you whether you would like some more analysis, or you are happy giving your fans a much-loved story  |
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Sela Locke
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 169
Reviews: 97
Country: somewhere deep in the Pacific.
485 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:16 pm Post subject: |
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I don't have time to go through your whole critique just yet - however, thank you in advance! xD
I hope I c'n get to it soon. ;-;
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Edit: You have an interesting of looking at the whole thing, and if you'd like to review more, feel free. =D Although I do believe you were mistaken when you said 'some'. It seems only two other faithful followers have catapulted from 'Ancient Lies' to this. ;-;
Oh well, thanks! ;D
-SELA |
_________________
"People are stupid, because stupidity loves them with a great passion. Love the stupidity back, dear. Love it so I can call you a conformist."
-Loicantt
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:18 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Sela Locke
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 169
Reviews: 97
Country: somewhere deep in the Pacific.
485 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:19 pm Post subject: C H A P T E R E I G H T |
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C H A P T E R E I G H T
“And… you were only lying to us, back when you used your talent? You actually enjoy that pleading; that pain?”
He seemed surprised that she would even bother to ask.
“Lins, dear, I thought you of all people would be able to guess that. Nothing makes humans – or those especial wolves – so vulnerable as sympathy. At least for that trick. It was almost too easy,” he added thoughtfully, chewing his lip.
“So what’s the plan?” Aslina sighed, trying hard to pretend she was resigned to her horrible death.
Delys looked over, a gleam in his eyes that sent an involuntary shiver down her back.
“Well, I haven’t gotten it all worked out yet. All I can be sure of is that when I find the right place for it, I can’t scratch you up too quick. Then you’ll bleed, and it’ll be irresistible…” He trailed off; not embarrassed by what he said, but doing so to make the situation even worse for the girl beside him.
“Oh, yes… of course. It makes sense, I mean. ‘Cause then you would drink my blood too fast, and I wouldn’t suffer enough pain for the thing of which you are punishing me.”
Delys laughed, pulling the beer can back out of his pocket.
“You must be thirsty, not having had anything to drink for so long. Almost dehydrated, if I’m correct. Go on, try it.”
He popped it open, wrapping her shaking hands around the cold aluminum.
“So I’m going to season myself?” She choked, trying to keep the tremble out of her quiet voice.
He laughed again, shaking his head.
“I suppose that is a way to put it. But I don’t want you to pass out, either.”
She looked up at him, the smell of death – and something she, like Escarne’s mother, couldn’t quite put her finger on – nearly overpowering her.
“And you’re not going to tell me what I did wrong?” She could no longer keep the high-pitched squeak from her voice, but she still fought it fiercely.
“Hah! I almost forgot. And yet, I thought it would be obvious enough to you.” He smiled sweetly, waiting a moment to continue. “Don’t you remember? Very well, I’ll recite them for you. Firstly, you saw through Escarne’s veil, which was entirely unplanned. Then, you transformed into a wolf, which tainted your blood considerably. After that, you found out what happened to your Mother. And as if that wasn’t enough, you saw the true dream; what actually happened to her, in the end. That tallies up to a lot of punishment, if you hadn’t noticed.” His voice was light, teasing. But the way his eyes flashed told her he definitely wasn’t joking. It didn’t help her mood.
“Drink it.” And this time he was quite serious, no hint of anything but command in his tone.
Aslina hated beer – or any alcohol, for that matter – but the menace in his eyes was completely real, and so she choked down the offending liquid, her stomach protesting weakly; futilely.
“Ahh,” he whispered, taking deep breaths of the moist night air. For a moment, Aslina did not understand, and then it connected, and the beer can fell from her numb hand.
When Delys looked back at her, there was something more in his orangey-brown eyes. Just a trick of the moonlight, or a lust for her blood?
“Ahh,” he repeated, but now his eyes were on her neck, and then her wrists, and back again, just as they had been that first night. “I wonder how much longer I can restrain myself, for some personal enjoyment?” He mused, a horribly dark hint in his soft, breathy voice.
“Or you could just kill me now, and it would all be over, and I could go to the afterlife, and forget all about scary, parasitic monsters, such as yourself.”
His eyes dragged slowly away from her neck, resting on her face for a few slow seconds.
“Did you think I would kill you? No, that was always out of the question. Besides, I get bored, being the only one in this damned forest. Even ‘monsters such as myself’ deserve company. If that company is also a monster. If not, it is rather hard to curb my cravings.”
He licked his pale lips, eyes going back to her unprotected throat.
“So warm,” he whispered. “So, so vulnerable.”
It took what seemed like hours for what Delys had just said to actually sink in. He was going to make her become a… a bloodthirsty – and this in quite a literal sense – animal, just to keep him company?
As they stood there, her thoughts strayed slowly to her family - or what was left. Just she and her father, and their two cats. Jerrald and Hawthorne. They loved each other, as well as animals can, and they loved her.
Henry, her mind wandered to her father’s smiling face. If he knew… no, but he doesn’t. And, a few tears escaped her eyes stealthily, rolling down her soft cheeks. He never will. Not unless they find my body – no, he’s not going to kill me. He’s going to do much worse than that.
“And yet,” he mused, shattering her painful reverie. “I’ve always wondered how long it really takes…”
In a split second, she was on the ground, head pounding horribly. She cursed, watching as Delys knelt down, so he was almost level with her heaving chest.
For a moment, he simply sat there, trembling with the urge to give into this intense bloodlust.
He blinked once, twice, and then stood, looking away into the woods for a moment. A growled frustration tore into his voice.
“Too fragile,” he murmured, “too easy to break…”
Aslina tried to look asleep, or unconscious, so he might give her a few minutes more of her humanity, before she lost it all. |
_________________
"People are stupid, because stupidity loves them with a great passion. Love the stupidity back, dear. Love it so I can call you a conformist."
-Loicantt
Last edited by Sela Locke on Wed Jul 09, 2008 4:28 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Luvzi12
Writer
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Age: 20
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 79
Reviews: 39
892 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: |
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| Okay that's fine! Just PM me or something when you do |
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LittleBitCold
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 03 Jun 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 17
Country: somewhere over the rainbow
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 4:08 am Post subject: |
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WOW. Wowwowowowowowowowow. That's all I can say.....haha! I always have something to say!
Soooo, I love it that Yel and Jason are back, i was so mad when Jason disappeared and now he's...dead? HELP!! I don't want him to be dead! And Yel? NO!!
And ANOTHER vampire? I'm so excited to meet him. Was he the other guy at the beginning or was that someone else? I'm confused. But I love how unpredictable Delys is--at first he's all 'lets kill everyone' and then he says, 'oh, let's just make everyone a vampire!' And then he somehow does both. It's crazy
But, even thoug i don't want to say it, I would like a little bit more in-between time. More time with Jason and everything. It makes me sad that he's only there for like TEN SECONDS!!! Wahhhhh
Anywayzzzz....MORE! Is she gonna become a vampire??! I'm nercous
SIDE NOTE~~~~writers block...I dont know when it will go away and i think I might have already mentioned it. But I hope i will get an inspiration soon to write more spriteish adventures.... |
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"Something I lost and something you found and something ye can only find after you've drowned." |
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