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Parasky
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 Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 6:12 am Post subject: Death and The Maiden |
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Death and The Maiden
Once not so long ago,
In an oh-so-distant land,
Did a lovely maiden live,
The fairest of them all was she.
She came to love a soldier
To whom she became betrothed.
Then on a wicked day,
Fate sent him far away.
Off to war did she follow him,
To remain forever at his side,
On one cold morning she did awake,
To the sound of a battle cry.
Stricken down was her love,
In her arms did he lay.
He gazed into her fear-filled eyes,
Growing weaker with every breath.
Death did rise from the shadows,
Come to take the soldier away.
The maiden rose, ever defiant,
And begged to be taken instead.
Death said he made no deals,
And touched the soldier's head.
Life was gone from his eyes,
Forever more was he gone.
The maiden cried in anger,
Screamed in sadness at foul Death.
She demanded that the soldier be given back,
And that she be taken instead.
Death said not one word,
And turned to take his leave.
In that single moment,
Take Deaths hand did she.
Now the maiden too fell lifeless,
At her lover's side once more.
Forever now were they in peace,
Never to be separated again. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 8:33 am Post subject: |
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Haha, I welcomed you in the welcome threads, and then I found out that nobody critiqued your works! What a shame! So I will. And I think I am a kind of brutal critiquer, so keep that in mind when you read this critique, but I really do want you to become better, honest! I love reading good poetry, so if I can help you to write good poetry, I am one happy critiquer. 
So! With that said, I want to give you some food for though:
First of all, your rhyming scheme is a little off. Sometimes you rhyme, sometimes you don't, and it's just so weird that it really stops the flow of a piece. Not good for poetry. So, what can you do? Look at the poem very carefully and determine what sort of pattern you want to have.
With that said, I love the idea of this piece. It truly is very mythological in the fact that I could imagine this poem being used to describe some myth. Really cool. So you're going to want to fix up the rhythm so that this piece really shines.
Good luck!  |
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Parasky
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 25 May 2008
Posts: 20
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Country: United States of America
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 3:43 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, I've been working on the rhyming. It's hard to change the words so they rhyme, but have the story still make sense. I tried a rhyme of 1-2-2-1, but the story didn't seem right. Now I'm thinking of this poem as more of an avant garde, E.E. Cummings kind of thing; most of my poems are like that anyways. Still, I'll try to make it rhyme.
Speaking of rhyme, did you see The Battalion? It's my other poem I submitted. It has a rhyme scheme and a better story; I consider it my masterpiece. |
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Parasky
Junior Writer
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Joined: 25 May 2008
Posts: 20
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject: |
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Alright, here's the fixed/updated version that rhymes!
Death and The Maiden
Long ago in an age long past,
In an oh-so-distant land,
Lived a Maiden with beauty unsurpassed,
Her life was to be ever so grand.
She came to love a valorous knight,
And was betrothed to him one fine day.
With that her life seemed ever so bright,
Until fate sent him away.
Off to war she followed him,
About their love they were not shy.
Then on one morning grim,
The Maiden awoke to a battle-cry.
Stricken down was her love,
In her arms he lay.
He was all she thought of,
As they began to pray.
Soon Death did appear,
Come to take the Knight away.
For her love the Maiden did fear,
She held him in dismay.
Begged did she to be taken instead,
Yet Death refused to make a deal,
And touched did he the Knight's head,
No more pain would the Knight feel.
The Maiden cried in fear,
Screamed in sadness at foul Death.
Take did she her husband's spear,
And demand again in a single breath.
Death said not one word,
And turned to take his leave.
The Maiden refused to go unheard,
And reached for Death's sleeve.
Now the Maiden too fell lifeless,
And laid beside her love once more.
With her final breath she did caress,
The one she did adore.
Still others lay defeated,
In this continuing war.
With a job still be to completed,
Death left the Maiden to lore. |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Parasky! I just noticed that you posted this piece and 'The Battalion" within a day of each other. Please don't post more than two new works a week, as a rule of thumb!
The rhyming works much better for this sort of epic-tale thing. I think it still has a lot of rhythm problems, but it seems that you just wrote it?
| Quote: |
Still others lay defeated,
In this continuing war.
With a job still be to completed,
Death left the Maiden to lore. |
This is the part that really, really bothered me. "Death left the Maiden to lore." What does that mean? That she just became the subject of lore, i.e. folk stories and whatnot? Or is "lore" suddenly a verb?
Here are some tutorials you might find helpful:
Rhyme....all the time! by me
On Highly Structured Poems by Snoink
When it comes to rhythm problems, the best solution is to read the work aloud. Don't try to change your speech so the pattern fits; then you sound silly. Note that when most singers sing a song, the phrases sound natural; no stress where there shouldn't be stressed--as if they were just speaking the lines, but with a melody. It's the same idea in poetry. If it sounds funny, it needs to be changed!
-Colleen |
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Parasky
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 25 May 2008
Posts: 20
Reviews: 5
Country: United States of America
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 12:47 am Post subject: |
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| Yes, left her to lore. That is why she has a poem about herself. I'm actually thinking about just cutting out that last stanza. |
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