Topic ID: 30600
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| Does the first paragraph make you feel that any two characters are having an affair? |
| yes |
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30% |
[ 4 ] |
| no |
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53% |
[ 7 ] |
| er, what? |
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15% |
[ 2 ] |
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| Total Votes : 13 |
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| Author |
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Bittersweet
R.I.P. Holly 1995-2008 (aka, I won NaNo).
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 21 May 2008
Posts: 289
Reviews: 85
Country: United States
732 Points
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 Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 2:08 am Post subject: |
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Yoho yoho!
Second review! Woot woot! Okay, here we are now...
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| an old lady even patted him on the head, smoothening his unruly blonde curls and smiling at him |
Er... is smoothening a word? I think you can go with smoothing and it would sound just fine.
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| He didn’t, though I breathed easier only when we were upstairs, in the room I had rented for the night. |
I think "Though I only breathed easier" would sound a bit less awkward.
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| He had followed me silently, with Tiddles, his teddy bear, trailing behind him. Bump, bump, bump - Tiddles hit the stairs as we climbed them, but Michael didn’t pick him up, clutching my hand with his own in an iron grip. |
It kind of bugs me that he has a teddy bear. He's nine, not even counting his years spent as a vampire. By the age of nine, most boys would be 'too many for teddy bears'. Just a thought...
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| I had shrank away at first, and saw the hurt in his eyes because of that. But I hurt, too, somewhere underneath the numbness and detachment. I was screaming, deep inside, and doing more than just cringing: I was hiding in the most obscure, rarely visited corners of my soul, trapped between love, hatred and fear of the one whose hand I now held - who held mine, more - and who was barely, just barely, still my little brother. It was hard to remember that last bit, though. |
Nice paragraph. Good character development.
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| “They do bad things, but I wouldn’t want to do bad things, Aine, and I-" |
Try "They do bad things. But I wouldn't want to do bad things, Aine. And I..."
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I will see your footprints on the moss. I will see the trail of your thoughts, and I will smell your fear. I will hear your breaths begin to rag. I will hear your pulse quicken.
I am stronger than you, Aine.
I can kill you even before you will know what is happening. I can drain your body of every drop of blood it possesses. I can kill you, and I want to. It’s what I’ve been made to do, dear sister. To slit your throat, to rip it apart. To rip you apart.
And if you scream, no one will hear you. |
Nice, again. Now the reader really grasps the way Aine feels about this whole situation. Also good CD.
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| Hot, so hot with the fever was his skin… “I know.” |
Hot, so hot with the fever that was on his skin maybe
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| a tar gaze trailed me |
I don't think tar really works in this sentence.
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| Wiping it so I could look at my reflection, even I couldn’t blame anyone for taking my seventeen year old self for Michael’s mother - I could barely recognize myself. I had shadows under my eyes, purple bags; slight worry lines, ones that should have not yet made their appearance were visible here and there on my no longer milky, but now distinctly grayish, face. |
That's a really long sentence. Add some more periods here and there to make it flow a little better--too much info in one sentence.
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| From her open, surprised light blue eyes slightly parted lips? |
From her surprised light blue eyes to her slightly parted lips
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| lips slightly parted. |
You just used those words to describe that. Mix it up a little!
Anyway, that's all done. For the fun stuff--your writing is always lovely. As I said before, I like the way you've put the whole vampire outlook into perspective. It's written in a quite polished, smooth way, though still has a few rough edges. It has definitely improved since the first time I read it. Excellent job.
Holly
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Add me on my NaNoWriMo account. |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 1:24 pm Post subject: |
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Holly,
Thanks, thanks, thanks again : ) I am so very in your debt. I made the necessary corrections, and will probably be cutting out the teddy bear part. That was part of the bigger picture, but since it (the story) is supposed to stand on its own, I might as well get rid of it, no? But, thanks again.
Cheers,
Esme
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_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Jul 2007
Posts: 382
Reviews: 107
Country: anywhere there's pen and paper
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 10:18 pm Post subject: |
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Excellent job!! This was extremely well written!!
I think that this could - as you'd asked - stay as a stand alone, but you would definitely need a reason as to why they are in the hotel. 
As for the italics part, I think that it was a very nice touch. I love where you put it too.
I don't really have any suggestions  but I do think that you should continue with this story. You did a great job on it
-Onceuponatim3xo
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"I write for the same reason I breathe - because if I didn't, I would die."
-Isaac Asimov |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo,
Thanks for reading, and the review, too. Though I think a reason was added (mentioned?) at some point. Again, thanks.
Cheers!
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_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
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Amal
Novice
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 29 May 2008
Posts: 10
Reviews: 0
Country: Unite Arab Emirates
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:58 pm Post subject: |
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a very nice story....so keep moving on this good prograss
from
Amooola
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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Amal - thanks for reading, and the comment
fallenangel - thanks, thanks, thanks
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_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
Last edited by Esmé on Fri May 30, 2008 7:11 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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fallenangel
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Jan 2008
Posts: 44
Reviews: 22
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my.
I LOVED IT.
To answer the question at the top, my first impression was that they were family related, just from the image of a little boy with blonde curly hair.
You successfully captured my attention and had me on the edge of my seat the whole time. I could see everything that was happening, and I felt the emotions these characters are feeling.
You did a wonderful job of portraying Micheal-the adorable little vampire that wants to be good but struggles to maintain self-control.
I really like the idea of his big sister trying to take care of him, demonstrating bravery in her risk of being with someone that wants to kill her.
Great job! I hope to see more of this!
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JFW1415
Team SPEW
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| Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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The (Side Characters) contest has finally ended, and here is your critique!
Anyways, I think I'll explain how I am scoring this before I read further than the title. I have made a set of guidelines:
Following the rules: /50
The side character story: /20
The side character: /20
The main character(s): /20
Originality/Theme/Style: /10
Dialogue: /20
Personal opinion: /5
Technical details: /5
And you will get an overall score (then turned to a percentage) based on that. I will post the scores you got, and explain why for each category. That way you'll know what to improve on.
However, these scores will not be publicly visible. You may discuss them if you wish, but I am putting a password on them. I will PM you with the password, and you will all get different ones.
That way, only first through third place will be announced. For forth through seventh, you will know that you were one of them, but you won't know which one. I figured that would be a bit kinder.
Also, I prefer to put my overall and nit-picks in an attachment, so that is also there. I can only attach one file, so it has a password, too. I would just PM you the scores, but I know that many people will accidentally delete the PM and then not be able to get to the critique, and I don't want that. Saying that, PM me if you need me to tell you the password again. I will save all of them, and it's easier that way than saving the overalls and getting mixed up in that.
Warning Number One: I am planning on doing a very thorough critique, as this is a contest prize. Meaning a comment on every tiny little thing. (And the scores are all low.)
Warning Number Two: I am not going to read through all of your previous comments, so don't yell at me if I repeat things.
(To everyone else: Yes, I write this same thing for all my critiques in this contest. But I swear the attachments have a real, detailed critique. I just wanted to put something here so I'd get points for the hard work, but I hate converting stuff from Word to here, especially since I'll be so thorough as this is a contest prize. I hope that's okay?)
Best of luck!
~JFW1415
(Make sure to PM me for anything at all, and check out The Side Characters Contest Page for more information on the winners.)
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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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