Young Writers Society

Chapter One

“You’re insane.”
“Dude, you’ve been telling me that since we were five. It’s never stopped me before, do you think it’s going to now?” I said with a smirk.
“Seriously though Jordan, this isn’t a good plan.” My best friend Reid stood beside me, bouncing from one foot to the other. It was her nervous habit.
“Calm down. Everything will be fine.”
I looked around the dark yard one last time to make sure that no one was around. I saw no movement and went to work on the window. The screen came loose easily and I threw it aside before trying the window to see if it was locked. It slid open easily and I gave her a triumphant smile.
“Besides, have I ever gotten us in trouble before?” I asked innocently.
“Do you want me to count the times?” She whispered, smacking me in the head playfully.
“Well this time we won’t get caught.” I told her. “Give me a boost”
I watched her face, knowing the dilemma that was going on in her head. Finally I saw that one little mischievous spark in her eyes and I knew she was with me. She bent down low and locked her fingers together. I placed my foot in her hand and she lifted me through the window.
I stumbled through, catching myself just before I fell on my face. Then I turned and reached out, she handed me the bag of supplies first. I pulled them through and put them on the ground lightly. Then I grabbed her hand in my own I hauled her through the window. Her foot caught on the edge and she fell forward, but I caught her before she fell too hard.
I laughed lightly, as to not make noise. Reid just glared at me.
“Come on, his room is this way.”
“Why do I listen to you again?” She whispered.
“Because it’s fun. Now be quiet and follow me.”
I took off my shoes in the kitchen where we landed, so my feet wouldn’t make any noise when I walked through the house. She followed my lead, and removed hers as well.
We walked through the hall as quietly as we could, trying not to giggle. I opened the door to his room and held my breath as the old door squeaked. Cain was sleeping soundly and didn’t stir from the noise, I grinned at Reid and we set to work on making his life a living hell.
Cheat on me would he? Well pay back is a bitch.

Hey, Oye! Sup? I don't think I've read anything of yours ever. Let's see how it turns out!

The screen came loose easily and I threw it aside before trying the window to see if it was locked.

easily loose perhaps?

“Do you want me to count the times?” She whispered, smacking me in the head playfully.

You don't need to capitalize 'she'.

“Why do I listen to you again?” She whispered.

Same thing as above.

Ooh! Creative! I liked the last couple of sentences!

Okay, here you've got a lot of passive sentences. This story isn't spectacular. It's pretty good but not amazing. Let's get it up there!

I laughed lightly, as to not make noise. Reid just glared at me.

These are examples. They are simple, to the point. Why not challenge the readers with a few similes and metaphors? We love those. They paint a visual of what's going on. We could say that Reid is wearing a bright red shirt. But that's not very fun. How about a shirt the color of red, blossiming flowers after a rainstorm?

Prettier picture, better descriptions.

But it's your choice. Your the author. Do what you will!

It was all right, and I know that you can make this the best that you possible can!

-Jared

Hey OverEasy,

I'm with Jared about the description. I think you have a very solid frame and nice dialog, but you could expand and specify by describing. This could really use some more excited, nervous atmosphere. Your MC is nice and I understand she's a dare devil, but for my taste she's a little too cool.

My best friend Reid stood beside me, bouncing from one foot to the other. It was her nervous habit.

I think maybe bouncing is not the best word to use here. They're about to break in to someone else's house, it's the middle of the night and their on others' property, so bouncing would be a bit noisy and too likely to catch attention. Maybe she's stepping from one foot to the other?

Cheat on me, would he?

Comma there maybe?

Those are all the nitpicks I have for you, but I'd strongly suggest you work on the atmosphere some more. You have some, but I think you could intensify it and really bring out the electricity that's in the air.

All the best and happy continuing!

~Kalliope

Hi, this is my first reply. Sorry for not really knowing how...

I enjoyed this piece and felt excited reading it. The atmosphere was good and it attracted me, but I also agree with Kalliope and BigBadBear because adding more description touches will make the whole story better. Still, I like your characters--they are very interesting to read. They remind me of beautiful memories even though I didn't do stuff like that! I think this will be a nice story. Looking forward to your new chapter!

Hey,

Alright so I personally love your main character because she reminds me of my best friend and she is super cool. Just had to get that out of the way. Whenever she said anything I laughed a little.

Anyways, to the story. You do a good job with dialog between the two characters. It is obvious that you are very comfortable with writing dialog so I recommend you keep up the good work there. Your descriptions are, as stated above, a little lacking. When you revise this, I suggest you take a little more time developing the setting and atmosphere. You need to describe everything around the girls just a little bit more.

Also I saw this “Well this time we won’t get caught.” I told her. “Give me a boost”

Methinks there is a period after boost.

Keep going with it.

As usual I LOVED your story please keep me posted on your next chapter

Alright, look. This isn't the kind of story I usually read. Most of the time I'm reading about throats being slit, girls being raped and guns being fired. I like romantic fiction, and write quite a lot of it, but I never did like the juvenile and straightforward romantic fiction. I always seem to go for the love stories of hookers and pickpockets. But this story was fine. It wasn't written badly, the dialogue was good enough, and the characters were fun to read about. That doesn't change the fact that it's completely forgettable. I'll post this review and then read a few otehr pieces, and by the time I'm done I won't remember if your character's name was Reid, or Jordan, or Xerxes. I know this is just the first chapter, but that's my point. It's too short. First chapter must grab the reader, this, although moderatly enjoyable, didn't really.

Random Thought #333: This could've been called "The Revenge of the Hateful Bitches." Not that I'm condoning cheating, but breaking and entering? For a highschool drama? I felt sorry for Cain.

"I took off my shoes in the kitchen where we landed, so my feet wouldn’t make any noise when I walked through the house. She followed my lead, and removed hers as well."

That's the only sentence I had a problem with. Weren't they already inside the house? And explaining why you took your shoes off seems redundant. I think the reader knows you're going ninja stealth style. It's like me saying "I put on a condom for her not to have an abortion." Filthy, I know, but equally silly.

Your narration, by the way, is fine and easy to follow. It flows nicely, but it's also quite primitive. I mean, look, I'm not claiming to be an authority of any kind, you know? I'm not that good a writer either, but even though it's adequate, you don't really have a voice. That's fine when it's a third person narration, that works better when it's impersonal, when it keeps it's distance, but for a first person narration, I want to feel like the character is talking to me. I don't want her just to follow the actions. Jane jumped a fence. We took off our shoes. We laughed.

The best thing you have here is the dialogue. It seems real. I would even suggest to take out the "he said/she said" to allow the reader to go through it uninterrupted, like if he was listening to an actual conversation. That's just me though.

Anways, keep writing.

It's sounding pretty good. I'm not sure if it's the kind of story I would like to read. Seems a bit... cruel.

I really liked this story, perhaps one of my favorites. Anyway, I would like to point out one thing.

“Why do I listen to you again?” She whispered.

It didn't make much sense saying "Why do I listen to you again?"

It may make more sense like "Why did I listen to you again?"

Or

"Why do I listen to you?"

Just a tip.

Keep me posted. Good work!

To tell you the truth, I was engaged in this the whole way.
I dont know how to say it but you are just a very unique writer.
I didn't really find anything wrong and am anxious for the next installment!

“I said with a smirk.”

- I would have used “asked” instead of said.

“Seriously though Jordan, this isn’t a good plan.”

- Place a comma before “Jordan”

“Then I turned and reached out”

- Delete the “I”

“Then I grabbed her hand in my own I hauled her through the window.”

- Perhaps would work better as “I grabbed her hand and hauled her through the window.” It’s less wordy and easier to understand.

“I laughed lightly, as to not make noise.”

- I’d suggest “trying not to…” Instead. It makes a little more sense, and looks a bit better.

“Cheat on me would he? Well pay back is a bitch.”

- Comma after “me” and “well”

I like this, and I’m looking forward to the rest. This is a short first chapter, though. Perhaps make your next instalment a little longer? My suggestions are just suggestions, although the parts I’ve pointed out are ones that need altering in some way.

Nice work. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Hey there: this review arrives as requested!

The last two sentences were definitely the best part. That section has a wonderful short, sharp quality to it; I love those kinds of endings.

Dialogue can be an interesting way to start, but I couldn't find a setting to ground the action in; I only realised when you mentioned the "dark yard" where you were. But even this was too sparse. You need to make your dialogue much more visual. E.g.:

"You're insane." She pressed the cigarette into the ground.

I gave a laugh. "Dude, you've been telling me that since we were five." My eyes wandered across the yard caked in dust, mud and moist earth, as her long shadow crept up behind me.

Something like that. Using action verbs and slipping in some description quickly gives us a location and some characterisation.

You use quite a few passives and 'was/were' expressions:

"I looked across the dark yard... to make sure no one was around."

Try instead:

"I peered across the dark yard, squinting for any signs of life. Nothing, except the flash of a mouse as it squealed past."

Your prose could really benefit from this kind of active writing, which is SHOWING, not telling. It would set a more defined atmosphere, as well as helping to beef up what is currently little more than a script with some description thrown in for good measure.

With some work, this could become a decent piece. Keep writing!

Gahks

(At the moment, 3.5/10. Bearing these points in mind, you can easily achieve an 8!)

There is too much telling instead of showing. I know it's hard, but you have to do at least some showing when they are breaking into the house. You also need more description in general. This didn't really capture my interest...and it should have.

The beginning conversation to me was a bit of a cliche start. And I almost smacked my head on the computer desk when you wrote...

“Besides, have I ever gotten us in trouble before?” I asked innocently.
“Do you want me to count the times?” She whispered, smacking me in the head playfully.

That sounds like a cheesy kids movie.

I did like the ending though. I think it was a good idea not to totally tell the readers why the characters were there. It gave it more of a punch at the end.

Excellent, excellent!


I mean really, it flowed like a hot dog falling through a sweaty bun!

No, just kidding ahaha. But honestly it was fun to read, a few things could be fixed. Just a few*. Which were mostly pointed out.


Through this post we know what your character is like, and what her best friend is like. We don't go off in tangents as we read this wondering.

You keep the reader glued into your story, and surprise them at the end. You managed to make words exciting good job!

I love the idea of a mischievous girl set on getting revenge on her boyfriend. It's so different from the vulerable characters some of us create [ Like me!].

I honestly can't wait to see what else you have. .

EDITED: 5/30/08- The peron below was saying you needed grounding...and I think you should present your protagonists name...at least in chapter two. Because we still don't know her name!

Just wanted to help you out with that!

Then I turned and reached out, she handed me the bag of supplies first.

This is phrased weird. You do this several other times, but you seem to split sentences with a comma rather than just making two sentences. The problem is the first sentence is more like the end of a sentence, so maybe you should say: "I turned and she handed me the bad of supplies." Another place where you do this: Cain was sleeping soundly and didn’t stir from the noise, I grinned at Reid and we set to work on making his life a living hell."

I laughed lightly, as to not make noise. Reid just glared at me.

“Come on, his room is this way.”

“Why do I listen to you again?” She whispered.

“Because it’s fun. Now be quiet and follow me.”

I took off my shoes in the kitchen where we landed, so my feet wouldn’t make any noise when I walked through the house. She followed my lead, and removed hers as well.

This is confusing because I thought they were walking down the hall, and then she says she took her shoes off where they landed. I think you should start with that, and reword the line, "We landed in the kitchen. I took my shoes off so my feet wouldn't..." and then go into "Come on!" It makes more sense that way.

Well pay back is a bitch.

Cliché!

The text its self is fine. I can't find anything directly to complain about - it's just lacking. I didn't like the beginning, because the dialogue was such a jump in, but I had no grounding of setting or character - I thought they were guys. Grounding feels like a big problem to me in this - if "grounding" makes sense? I have no idea who your characters are, or what they are like, and other than the obvious conflict of them sneaking into a house and doing something they shouldn't, and then at the end, the "cheat on me!" line, it's without conflict. And both of those conflicts are, to be honest, boring and old. I wouldn't want to read anymore. Why would I? The characters don't interest me, no one is in thread, I don't care about them, the conflict isn't new... I'm not sure how you could improve this, but perhaps try to find a larger hook, and go for it quicker. I think more description, more lively writing, would also help you out. I hope this helped! If you have any questions, you know where to find me!