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cookie_pirate
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 Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 8:26 am Post subject: Love Sea |
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So here it goes. I'm looking forward for you critiques to correct my mistakes. I'm sure that I have a lot of them.
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"Love Sea"
I feel so lost at his gaze
Tears started to run down my face.
I've always wondered, are we in a race?
Why are we in this phase?
Those dreams of mine I thought will never come true.
Forever my heart will be blue.
All you've said, I don't get a clue
Is it because I'm in love with you?
Why won't you tell me,
Can't you hear my plea?
Why won't you look at me, can't you see?
I'm drowning in this love sea. |
Last edited by cookie_pirate on Tue May 20, 2008 12:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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rubberduck
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 8:49 am Post subject: |
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Drowning in a love sea? Interesting... 
(I still don't get why people are so good at writing poems while I'm HORRIBLE at it. I'll post one and you can see what I mean. Haha. Read it if you want to. )
You've got talent! Yep, you certainly do!
I'd love to read more poems from you!
(Wow. It rhymes. I think.) Haha.
So, seeya 'round I guess! |
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Dr. Jamie Bondage
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 12:13 pm Post subject: |
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It's good. I didn't see any gramatical errors. It seemed a bit cliché. But besides that, it's good.
I wish I could write poetry. lol.
Anyways, it was pretty good. I don't really have any suggestions. Like I said, it just seems a bit cliché.
Sorry I couldn't help more!
Jamie |
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cookie_pirate
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject: |
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^ Thank you, guys.
Yes, I found it a bit common myself. Well, I did this poem when I was feeling a weird fuzzy feeling the other week. xD
I'll try to make more poems and that I'll make sure that they'll be not much that cliche.
Well, I hope. xD |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 1:27 pm Post subject: |
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Heya, I'm pretty good at reading poetry so I'll take a look for you.
| Quote: |
"Love Sea"
I feel so lost at his gaze
Tears started to run down my face.
I've always wondered, are we in a race?
Why are we in this phase?
Those dreams of mine I thought will never come true.
Forever my heart will be blue.
All you've said, I don't get a clue
Is it because I'm in love with you?
Why won't you tell me,
Can't you hear my plea?
Why won't you look at me, can't you see?
I'm drowning in this love sea. |
Ok, a few things here jump out at me.
1. Rhyming and Rhythm. It all seems a bit forced and makes it hard for me to read it. I'm sure it wouldn't take anything away from the poem to revise this.
2. Capitliszation. Each new line you make has a capital letter. Amend this.
3.Too many questions. Readers need answers as well. One or two can be just as effective.
4. Structure. Some lines have more syllables in them than others, for example line 1 in S2. This makes it read a little awkward.
5. Cliched imagery and concepts. This is probably the biggest problem in the poem. Perhaps you can think of a better image than "tears running" or "heart will be blue".
These are just my opinions, anyway.
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear |
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cookie_pirate
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 2:02 pm Post subject: |
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[size=7pt]^ Thank you for the critique.
I'll do my best to edit my poem as much as I can. [/size] |
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Luvzi12
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| Posted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:57 pm Post subject: Re: Love Sea |
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Okay, just a few suggestions:
| cookie_pirate wrote: |
I feel so lost at his gaze
Tears started to run down my face. |
The words 'feel' and 'started' contradict each other because the word 'feel' is in the present, and 'started' is in the past tense, so maybe just change one of them, either to 'felt' or 'start'.
| Quote: |
I've always wondered, are we in a race?
Why are we in this phase? |
I wonder if this phrase could change to:
'I wonder if we're in a race?
Tell me why we're in this phase?'
I understand if you don't like my 2nd line as it changes the meaning of the poem because it's more dramatic and challenging, but I think it helps the rhythm a little bit.
| Quote: |
Those dreams of mine I thought will never come true.
Forever my heart will be blue. |
I really like this couplet.
| Quote: |
All you've said, I don't get a clue
Is it because I'm in love with you? |
I like the 2nd line, but the first should maybe be 'don't have a clue'.
| Quote: |
| Why won't you tell me, |
this should be 'why won't you tell me?' because you've ended every other question with a question mark, so you should do the same with this line too.
| Quote: |
Can't you hear my plea?
Why won't you look at me, can't you see? |
This couplet is very cliched and a little pathetic in the sense that it brings a sense of pathos, but it's also a bit whiny and ruins the poem a little I feel.
| Quote: |
| I'm drowning in this love sea. |
Even though it's a little cheesy and a bit random considering their are no other references to the sea in the poem, I think it creates impact and leaves an impression on the reader. I just think you need to edit the rest of the poem, possibly changing some of the questions into metaphors or description of some kind instead. Remember, the reader doesn't know what the character in your poem is going through, so maybe you should explain more about what has actually happened to them and why they feel the need to question everything.
Hope I helped! Keep up the good work! |
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Fibbles
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 2:00 pm Post subject: |
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| I had a hard time understanding what point you were trying to get across, until the last sentence. "I'm drowning in this love sea" that was really creative, i could of never come up with something like that. However, the rest of your poem doesn't really flow with that line. If you come up with a title to a poem, and then write about it, it usually comes up alittle strange. thats why i try to just make a point across, then after im done writing it I come up with a title. i dont know if you did that here or not, but it seemed like a really creative title. everything inside the poem wasn't as creative though. i like the rhyming scheme, word choice could use alittle work. but overrall, nice job |
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niteowl
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| Posted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 1:43 am Post subject: |
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I think the main thing dragging this poem down is the rhyming. If you have to twist what you're saying to fit a rhyme scheme, that's bad. Ditch that approach. When you revise this, instead focus on creating interesting and powerful images with your words. The line "drowning in this love sea" was interesting. Maybe you could explore the love/sea comparison a bit more, or maybe you want to take it in a different direction. Love poems are tricky to write without falling into cliches, but I bet you can do it if you try hard!
Keep writing! |
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Nicolette
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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First of all, I love the title for some reason. Really, I'm not sure why, but it has a nice ring to it. Now on the the critique. I'm sure I'll repeat what others have said, but here are some thing I saw. I'll go stanza by stanza:
| Quote: |
"Love Sea"
I feel so lost at his gaze
Tears started to run down my face.
I've always wondered, are we in a race?
Why are we in this phase? |
-I think the "started" in the second like throws the beat off a little; finding a synonym that's a little shorter, maybe one syllable, would help with this.
-I think the third line is a little too long and sounds a little awkward. Maybe rephrasing it?
-The last line of the stanza is one of the best in the poem in my opinion.
| Quote: |
Those dreams of mine I thought will never come true.
Forever my heart will be blue.
All you've said, I don't get a clue
Is it because I'm in love with you? |
-The first line is much, much too long. It definately needs to be restated and shortened.
-At the end of the third line, the "I don't get a clue" doesn't make sence to me. Maybe "I don't have a clue"
| Quote: |
Why won't you tell me,
Can't you hear my plea?
Why won't you look at me, can't you see?
I'm drowning in this love sea. |
-I don't understand the first line; tell what?
-Once again, I think the third line is a smidge too long.
Overall, this is a decent shot at your first time writing poetry. Here is a bit of advice to you, though: don't feel as if you *have* to rhyme. There is a loooot of good poetry that doesn't rhyme at all or on every stanza. I think it's a common misconception that you have to have a rhyme scheme going on to write good poety. |
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