Topic ID: 30415
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
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 Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:25 am Post subject: How the Silver Wears |
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The silverware shines
like your eyes did when we first met.
Who’d have thought soapy spoons, forks, and knives
would remind me so much of love?
I think the knives are more you than you were.
With a knife I can peel skin, remove veins,
and keep going until I find something brighter
than blood, more meaningful
than a soul, more real than pain itself.
My epitheliums won’t know what sliced them.
You’re silver plated, too.
Oh, how you shined when we met—
but underneath, you were a rusty nail
trying to give me lockjaw with your fists.
The only difference:
silver wears off you in minutes.
These knives will last me 'til death. |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me.
Last edited by Suzanne on Mon May 19, 2008 11:44 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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gyrfalcon
now we must laud the heaven-kingdom's keeper
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 4:51 am Post subject: |
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| Oh, wonderful darling! I've always enjoyed your poetry and this is a particularly fine example of your particularly fine work. Your use of 'technical' terms, such as "epitheliums" and "lockjaw" are nicely used, and I love the parallelism you work between this guy and the silverware, bringing in different aspects, keeping the symbolism fresh and very accurate. I like the way you italicized that "Oh, how you shined"--the perfect sarcastic touch there, and you set the tone for the reader very early with "I think the knives are more you than you were." Overall, very balanced, a good rhythm, and an original idea carried out with your typical grace and talent. |
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"I would take the song of the swan as my entertainment, the cry of the gannet and the call of the curlew in place of human laughter...storms would pound the rocky cliffs whilst the tern, icy-winged, answered them..." ~The Seafarer, 10th century |
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Tamora
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:21 am Post subject: |
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A lovely analogy, very descriptive, I never thought that silverwear could have so much emotion and affect! This is really great to read, very nice. I loved it!
I can't really fault any of it, so I'll just point out the things that worked best.
The third stnza is the best by far, i loved the ideas that you have shown, and way they've been told. It ties in together very well, and the progression is very easy to follow. so, yeah, there's nothing I can really fault. I love reading your poetry, even if I don't always critique it, but then, they'd all be like this one!
Thank you for a great, thoughtful reading experience, I thoroughly enjoyed it. |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 9:58 am Post subject: |
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I really love it. The idea is interesting and well expressed.I especiallu enjoyed;
"Who’d have thought soapy spoons, forks, and knives
would remind me so much of love?"
and
"but underneath, you were a rusty nail ".
The first two stanzas in particular are brilliant.
Jas |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 10:12 am Post subject: |
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This is very strong, very strong indeed. It seems like your poetry always has a solid backbone..if you understand? It's not all airy-fairy. It's real. It's raw.
So I loved the idea of silverwear being the love interest, and the descriptions were increasingly vivid throughout the piece.
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The silverware shines
like your eyes did when we first met. (Lovvved this. So simple- but great!)
Who’d have thought soapy spoons, forks, and knives
would remind me so much of love?
I think the knives are more you than you were. (Good concept raised, well developed in S2.)
With a knife I can peal skin, remove veins,
and keep going until I find something brighter
than blood, more meaningful
than a soul, more real than pain itself.
My epitheliums won’t know what sliced them.(The knife is the lover peeling away the speaker's outer layers...? "More real than pain itself" is a good image. I felt it.)
You’re silver plated, too.
Oh, how you shined when we met— (Repetition expertly used)
but underneath, you were a rusty nail
trying to give me lockjaw with your fists. (Stong, gutsy language)
The only difference:
silver wears off you in minutes.
These knives will last me 'til death. (Excellent ending) |
Well done, I really enjoyed this. Your poetry seems to be in a class of it's own!
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear xx |
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panic at the rodeo
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 3:22 pm Post subject: |
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Wow... Silverware being compared to love is a new one for me... I thought it was kind of morbidly beautiful! It was short, but very to the point... It took a second to get the voice for it though... At the beginning I felt the voice seemed kinda like an "I Miss You" sorta deal, but then the farther along I got it seemed more like a "Get the hell away and stay away"
Overall I liked it though! |
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Mad
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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It's original which for me practically ensures some level of enjoyment.
Okay to start: two grammatical things.
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| With a knife I can peal skin, remove veins, |
Should that be "peel".
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| My epitheliums won’t know what sliced them. |
Should that be "epithelia" since it's plural? I didn't actually know the word at first, but "ium" usually ends with "ia" if it's plural.
It's descriptive, emotive and I liked it, but... well but what? I think something is missing. So forgive me as I try to ramble through to what is missing.
We have this parallel drawn between the silverware and this other person but I don't think that you employ it to its full, effective potential. You start strong and the similarities are strongly present, then you have a second stanza with silverware based description which is more specific yet more closed.
I feel, with this second description the comparison ends and you consider the usefulness of a knife against this guy/gal. Usefulness? Fine this person's not useful and uselessness is a damning trait, I suppose. But it's benign in a way. And if I take the comparison through more carefully we have usefulness and sharpness, an ability to cut, to dissect. Yet do you really want to attribute the opposite of this to the other person? Or this in a lesser form?
I feel, in a way, the second stanza is more of a digression or a diversion.
In the third you come back to this person with lovely description. Maybe you could consider replacing lockjaw with trismus? Maintain the same tone or anatomical/medical descriptiveness as with the epithelium?
What I find is the second and third stanzas sort of stand apart and don't continue the metaphor/comparison but end it and stand alone or for different things. I feel (and that's what these are feelings, not necessarily backed up with rationality, so ignore what doesn't make sense) that it would be more effective for you to relate the descriptions more closely or place them poles apart to show demonstrate Good v Bad or Lasting v Ephemeral etc. Because I feel it is the metaphor which makes the poem good and effective and the lack of it's continuity that lets you down.
I especially liked:
| Quote: |
| I think the knives are more you than you were. |
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Shine
My life=Randomness
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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Simple Good!
The things I liked:
1.The writing style.
2.The comparison silver ware-love.
3.Simplicity of the whole piece.
4.Dramatic ending.
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The only difference:
silver wears off you in minutes.
These knives will last me 'til death. |
I felt this piece of work was an example of intelligency. 
Well done!
Keep posting! |
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Thriving Fire
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:22 pm Post subject: |
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*gasps* wow, me like... 
Right, time to start speaking in proper sentences. Basically, your poem did to me what I've started noticing a lot in good poetry- it hit me slap-bang in the middle of somewhere. That *gasp* up there is genuine; I was moved by the power of this piece.
Power, because you guide us in gently, with some lovely lines ('The silverware shines/ like your eyes when we first met') before hitting us in the kidneys with the poem's true venom. Power, because the imagery is deeply shocking and horrifying, without resorting to gross-out tactics ('and keep going until I find something brighter/ than blood, more meaningful
than a soul, more real than pain itself.') Power, because you pull no punches ('with a knife I can peal skin, remove veins'). Power, because it's real.
Who would have thought a poem that's basically telling someone they're a bastard would be so powerful? 
Just one thing I didn't like, but it's tiny: the word 'epitheliums'. It irritates me because it's a mouthful and sounds too technical when you could have used the word 'veins' instead. But maybe I'm just stupid
Anyway, great work |
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JennaLL
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| Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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This poem is really poigniant and the imagery is very powerful.
I love the idea of the changing person and the rust underneath. It's great! |
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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| Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 2:36 am Post subject: |
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Suzanne,
This poem didn't exactly hit me, I didn't feel much emotion coming from it. The title of it made me think, but it didn't shout out to me BRILLIANT! It was quite a poem I must admit. The ending was powerful, but what was I suppose to feel behind it? Power? Hate? Betrayel? A lover that was lost? I'm sorry dear and I do hope this isn't harsh but I just wanted to know why did this person make you feel this way? How did they make you feel this way? I hope this was the least bit helpful my dear. Best of luck and keep writing.
Your friend as always,
-Max |
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I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:35 am Post subject: |
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Suzanne, you've done it again! This poem was, I think, one of your best. It was so sharp, and detailed, and wonderfully, delightfully dark. I am enamored with the whole idea, comparing your adored love to a set of silverware, only in the end deciding that the silver will do. Wonderfully executed. Brilliant, meaningful poem, like black chocolate. It was sleek, stylish.
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than a soul, more real than pain itself. |
Itself is not needed here.
That was the only nitpick.
And otherwise... superb! |
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Wojovox
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| Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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epitheliums
Cool. I havn't heard that word since Biology 101. But a strange place to use it, though I kinda thought it fit perfectly, made the poem have this strange undescribable feeling to it. Like a sophisticated educated horrificness to it.
"but underneath, you were a rusty nail
trying to give me lockjaw with your fists."
I don't know whether to criticize this or let it be. Because it sounds like everything said was meant, sounds like nothing written was a mistake. So I'm going to let it be and be on the lookout for something new from you. |
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TheIllusionist
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: |
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Interesting, as I personally find that people tend to write without any type of humor. That, surprises us all as Humor is simply a higher form of Joy and Sorrow, and Joy and Sorrow are constantly repeated subjects in Dramatic Poetry. The humor adds not only more joy, but the type of line in a poem one might become famous for due to the sheer wit.
A great poem***** |
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angelfromsomewhere
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| Posted: Thu Aug 07, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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Ah, this is just so adorable. You really capture emotion! I would love to give you some advice on how to improve it, but...I'm lost for words  |
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