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Mayfyre
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 Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject: Storm-wings |
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Storm-wings
The late birds call the breathless moon,
and through the trees watch embers fly
The wild wind sings its restless tune,
and glowing, fervent hearts and eyes
paint the sky with stars.
How could I now withstand their call,
Their moth-voice draws me through the night
My step falls soft , my breath goes light,
like mist and leaves in fox-red fall
My pace now quickens and I leave behind
What tied me down-- I will soar free
No chain too strong -- I have to find
what truly is inside of me
My mind is transforming; My feet
are swift and barely touch the ground.
The falcon's pinions and the sound,
When I-with his call- the skies do greet
I forget who I was, my soul is light
Through darkness and thunder takes me my flight
I fade away, On storm-wings I fly
Faint and distant the falcon's cry |
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To find freedom in the most unlikeliest of places: at the bottom of an inkwell, on the tip of a quill.
Last edited by Mayfyre on Sat May 24, 2008 9:31 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, I really enjoyed reading this! You had some alliteration and the wording was interesting.
I have a few questions, though. Were you trying to keep a rhyme scheme or is this supposed to be free verse? And I've never heard of "moth-voice." I thought it was the birds calling to the moon. Not the moths. What do you mean by "moth-voice"?
Besides those little obscure parts, the rest was fine. Like I said, the wording was interesting. I think the way you put the words together helped make the poem flow.
- Summerless <3 |
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Mayfyre
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:22 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comment 
Well, when I used moth-voice, I did not really think of it as "the voice of a moth", it was more about implying that the birds' song is sort of "soft-white" (I think I'm failing miserably trying to make this any less obscure)and "flutters" through the night like a moth. I guess it really is rather obscure 
Ouf...the rhyme scheme. I had a bit of a struggle with that one. I think, in the end, it is free verse, as there is no use of strict rhyme or metre. |
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To find freedom in the most unlikeliest of places: at the bottom of an inkwell, on the tip of a quill.
Last edited by Mayfyre on Tue May 20, 2008 2:05 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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I got the opposite vibe- I felt that the rhyme was great, sort of deviated from the fixed form but good nonetheless. I loved this, a real gem of a poem.
The imagery is amazing. The first stansa is strong and laced with beautiful language:
| Quote: |
The late birds call the breathless moon,
and through the trees watch embers fly
The wild wind sings its restless tune,
and glowing, fervent hearts and eyes
paint the sky with stars. |
Embers flying? Quality!
My favourite bit was this, I really felt that you gathered momentum:
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My pace now quickens and I leave behind
What tied me down-- I will soar free
No chain too strong -- I have to find
what truly is inside of me |
So well done!
Oh and Welcome to YWS. I hope you settle in well and stick around.
Hope and Best Wishes,
Eimear xx |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 8:01 pm Post subject: |
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Nice rhyming big time. I also love some of the amazing imagery you used.
I completely agree with Eimear, a real gem of a poem. You DEFINTELY deserve one shiny gold star. |
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Mayfyre
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 9:11 am Post subject: |
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Thanks a lot for the comments I'm really happy you like it, though criticism is definitely welcome
xx |
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To find freedom in the most unlikeliest of places: at the bottom of an inkwell, on the tip of a quill. |
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: Re: Storm-wings |
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| Mayfyre wrote: |
The late birds call the breathless moon,
and through the trees watch embers fly
The wild wind sings its restless tune,
and glowing, fervent hearts and eyes
paint the sky with stars.
How could I now withstand their call,
Their moth-voice draws me through the night
My step falls soft , my breath goes light,
like mist and leaves in fox-red fall
My pace now quickens and I leave behind
What tied me down-- I will soar free
No chain too strong -- I have to find
what truly is inside of me
My mind is transforming; My feet
are swift and barely touch the ground.
The falcons (falcon's) pinions and the sound,
When I-with his call- the skies do greet (is this supposed to rhyme or was it just a fun deviation from the rhyme scheme?)
I forget who I was, my soul is now (I don't think the 'now' is necessary) light
Through darkness and thunder takes me my flight
I fade away, On storm-wings I fly
Faint and distant the falcons cry |
This is really beautiful and the imagery is incredible, which, for me, makes up for the face that your rhyme scheme changed a lot. :D those were just a few hints that I gave you, feel free to take them or not. |
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Mayfyre
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 9:32 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for pointing out the type-O 
I see what you mean with the rhyme in the second last stanza. The bit you pointed out was just another fun change of rhyme scheme, but then I did not really think of the whole thing in a fixed rhyme anyway, as it practically changes in every stanza. So I just took the liberty of making that stanza an
ABBA, because it just flowed nicely.
I'm thinking about the "now" issue. I counted the syllables and I think you are right that it would work better without 'now' , but I quite like it as a contrast to "how it was not light before", if you know what I mean. Though now that you pointed it out, it sort of painfully sticks out . I'm definitely gonna give it another thought.
Thanks for the tips, they are always appreciated
xx |
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To find freedom in the most unlikeliest of places: at the bottom of an inkwell, on the tip of a quill. |
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LucidDreamerLost
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 7:36 am Post subject: |
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| This was awesome. I loved the feeling. That's the way I understand things, really. Beautiful flow, like a song, like a dream, like I like it. Great images, great word choice, just a beautiful song you carved from your life. Thanks. |
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Frangipani
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| Posted: Thu May 29, 2008 11:19 am Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed reading this. It flows extremely well, and keeps the reader interested and captivated.
I thought the way the first stanza had an extra line made it unique.
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The wild wind sings its restless tune,
and glowing, fervent hearts and eyes
paint the sky with stars. |
That line was beautiful.
I can't think of any criticism. I'm so glad I read this. |
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sday1607
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| Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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I loved it, the imagery was amazing.
I also loved how, although the rhyme scheme altered throughout the poem, it somehow managed to fit and added an air of abstractness.
My favourite part was the opening stanza, awash with powerful imagery and personification.
The late birds call the breathless moon,
and through the trees watch embers fly
The wild wind sings its restless tune,
and glowing, fervent hearts and eyes
paint the sky with stars.
Putting 'Paint the sky with stars' as a single line emphasises its importance and acts as a talisman for the rest of the poem, and upon a second reading, it is spot on.
The rhyme seems natural and unforced - always a winner.
Keep it up!  |
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