Topic ID: 30345
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El-lyncho
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300 Points
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 Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 5:00 pm Post subject: Budding love |
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An overlooked small seed at best,
planted subtlety in my chest,
slowly growing, I not knowing.
Not long on the small shoot bloomed,
and slowly buds of passion groomed,
my desire, a burning fire.
Young and strong the sapling grew,
flourished at the thought of you,
my shining sun, the only one.
Soulbound lovers, you and me,
bursting through the canopy,
dazzled by the rays above,
surely, truly, this was love?
Thick, the trunk grew strong and wise,
reaching for the pearly skies,
towering over all below,
fuelled by love’s possessive flow;
But then your crafty creepers flared,
my youthful bark was so ensnared,
drained of life, a woodsman’s scythe,
your real colours fully bared.
Deathly tired and sick I grew,
but still held hopeless love for you,
though reasons flawed, my limbs so clawed,
trapped, remembering how we flew…
The roots that once perturbed so deep,
are shrivelled now, their prospects bleak,
a coming storm of my despair,
as gales rip and branches tear;
Crashing down to meet the ground,
tragic love that can’t be found,
you broke my heart and made it stop,
so now I lay,
and slowly rot. |
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Glittering like sand as it runs through my hands, you fade away.. |
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Angel of Death
Watch out Edward cuz Tony Stark can do it better
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828 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 7:03 pm Post subject: |
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This reeks so much emotion that I want to cry but I won't because then I won't be able to tell you how great of a poet you really are. The only problem I saw was the question mark after love in the fourth stanza. Wow, you're amazing!!
Keep writing,
Angel  |
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"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
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Mad
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Country: Petersfield, England
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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An overlooked small seed at best,
planted subtlety in my chest,
slowly growing, I not knowing. |
I'd suggest some sort of stronger punctuation before "I not knowing", make it more potent.
Well, On the whole I'm pretty impressed. I thought a rhyming poem about love however metaphorical would be too corny and rather hellish to read but this really wasn't like that at all.
The extended metaphor worked very well - nicely constructed and I liked the various elaborations such as the men with scythes.
| Quote: |
Deathly tired and sick I grew,
but still held hopeless love for you,
though reasons flawed, my limbs so clawed,
trapped, remembering how we flew… |
The "flew" sounds incredibly forced and doesn't fit at all with your metaphor - it seems like it was done for the rhyme.
Form wise, is there a reason you move from 3 line stanzas to 4 line stanzas and then use a more irregular rhyme scheme? It's a bit disconcerting at times and I don't think that it works as well as the aabb scheme you had before in the 4 line stanzas, or the couplet and internal rhyme you start with.
Yeah, it's a very nice little poem (please consider rewriting the flew line, it sadly ruined the whole thing for me) |
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Sohini
Her Meowness
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398 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 6:28 am Post subject: |
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I see you're new here. Welcome and Well Done!
Really nice poem and the rhymes are almost always very impressive. The style id odd because the various stanzas have various patterns and lines...but it works well with this poem.
Amazing how you've brought out the tender emotion so deeply, a moving piece.
I have nothing to say against this poem, you've got talent. |
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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 4:02 pm Post subject: |
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The rhyme scheme in this piece earns a gold star from me. It's truly something to be beheld- even the way you slowly worked it around the beautiful yet simple imagery must have taken skill in itself. Although my only problem was in this stansa:
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An overlooked small seed at best,
planted subtlety in my chest,
slowly growing, I not knowing. |
Bit of a let down at the end there, I would suggest re-working this by adding another word in there to balance it out.
Other than that I can't find much else to nit- pick, just that I loved the ending:
| Quote: |
Crashing down to meet the ground,
tragic love that can’t be found,
you broke my heart and made it stop,
so now I lay,
and slowly rot. |
Nice job. New- talent alarm bells are clanging in my head. Awesome. |
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
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Parasky
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 25 May 2008
Posts: 20
Reviews: 5
Country: United States of America
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 12:40 am Post subject: |
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| I enjoyed this poem a lot. However, in stanzas six and seven you changed your pattern of rhyming. You went from a pattern of 1-1, 2-2 to a patter of 1-1, 2-1. It just seemed sudden and out of place. Other than that, I saw nothing wrong with it. Maybe the last two lines of the poem should be one, but maybe that's just me. |
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Charliebo
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Country: Britain
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Jun 09, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: |
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oh i loved it! Some bits more than others. I wasn't so sure about the line in the second stanza about fire and desire, because it's quite an obvious and used rhyme and i think you could do better.
I adore that final line! I bet your proud as anything about it! it just works so wonderfully well.
Be a little carefull about tenses and grammatical things as, although i may just be interpreting it wrong, in places it seemed that the grammar read a little wrong,
e.g. slowly growing, i not knowing
the 'i not knowing' just doesn't feel right.
Please understand that any critisism i have is purely constructive, as i think it's a really fab poem and it very beautifully written! Keep up the good work!
from charlie. |
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