Topic ID: 30241
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chocoholic
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 Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:18 am Post subject: Journey |
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This is the third song I've written lately, and the second I've posted on here. The theme is inspired by Simple Plan's Untitled, but it's more of a country song. I'm not totally happy with it, so any help you can give me is very much appreciated.
She was just sixteen,
When she jumped into that car.
Mama didn’t know she’d gone,
And papa wasn’t there.
Sometime before five fifteen,
They must have seen a star.
Cause right before it hit dawn,
All that was left was the dead pair.
Ohh… they didn’t know what they were doing,
He lost control and crashed into that tree.
And she screamed,
They held onto each other,
As they bled, never to become three.
He was only a kid,
When he pulled up to that house.
He kissed her on the cheek,
And she laughed and played along.
But later they began to skid,
For one second he was as quiet as a mouse.
Then out of nowhere they began to shriek,
You couldn’t hear the radio song.
Ohh… they didn’t know what they were doing,
He lost control and crashed into that tree.
And she screamed,
They held onto each other,
As they bled, never to become three.
Three days later,
Family gathers at this old church,
The boxes sit on the table,
To be buried in the earth.
Ohh… they didn’t know what they were doing,
He lost control and crashed into that tree.
And she screamed,
They held onto each other,
As they bled, never to become three. |
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Shine
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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The lyric was a good attempt.
The part I liked more is the chorus part.
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Ohh… they didn’t know what they were doing,
He lost control and crashed into that tree.
And she screamed,
They held onto each other,
As they bled, never to become three. |
I wish that the first paragraph ryhmed too like the second one did,but then again its suppose to be a country song so yeah i iwll give that 8.7/10.
Well done!
Keep posting! |
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This_is_history
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| Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 3:26 am Post subject: |
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I like the idea a lot! Can I just maybe suggest some things?
She was just sixteen,
When she jumped into that car.
Mama didn’t know she’d gone,
And papa wasn’t there.
Sometime before five fifteen,
They must have seen a star.
Cause right before it hit dawn, this is a little confusing, I had to read it a couple of times before I got what it meant.
All that was left was the dead pair.
Ohh… they didn’t know what they were doing,
He lost control and crashed into that tree.
And she screamed,
They held onto each other,
As they bled, never to become three. I like the chorus a lot. I'm guessing the 'screamed' is on a sustained note? Because it read like that. It reads very nicely, and it would probably translate into music well.
He was only a kid,
When he pulled up to that house.
He kissed her on the cheek,
And she laughed and played along. I think you should take the 'and' out. It gives it a better flow. But that's just me. But this part is really cute, I like it.
But later they began to skid,
For one second he was as quiet as a mouse. This is too many syllables to fit. Of course, I don't know how you're singing it, so it may fit good with your melody, but reading it, it sounds awkward.
Then out of nowhere they began to shriek,
You couldn’t hear the radio song. Maybe: 'radio's song'? makes better sense.
Ohh… they didn’t know what they were doing,
He lost control and crashed into that tree.
And she screamed,
They held onto each other,
As they bled, never to become three.
Three days later,
Family gathers at this old church,
The boxes sit on the table,
To be buried in the earth. I love this. It has a sort of odd, morbid tone and it finishes off the song perfectly. Lovely.
Ohh… they didn’t know what they were doing,
He lost control and crashed into that tree.
And she screamed,
They held onto each other,
As they bled, never to become three.
~~~~~
Well, I hope I helped. Altogether, it was a beautiful, very sad song with a great concept. I really liked it. Keep up the good work.
-Elise |
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Lynlyn
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: Re: Journey |
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Sorry this took so long to review - it hits a little close to home right now.
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She was just sixteen,
When she jumped into that car.
Mama didn’t know she’d gone,
And papa wasn’t there. |
I'm not saying this stanza should rhyme, but since it doesn't rhyme, you could go ahead and change the last line to something a little more vivid. Where was papa? Had he just stepped out to the store, or had he been gone for years? There's so much you could tell us here.
| Quote: |
They must have seen a star.
Cause right before it hit dawn,
All that was left was the dead pair. |
The thing that gets a little awkward here is that you suddenly start talking about "they" - who are "they"? - and then this couple that died who were apparently really close, since it implies that they would have stayed together and had kids.
My point is that the first chorus comes before you've even mentioned the word "he." We don't have any introduction to this other teenager before this section.
Also, I know it's the pivotal point of the song and probably something that you really don't want to change, but the phrase "never to become three" sounds a little forced to me. It's one of the only parts of the song that's a direct rhyme, and I think that's what's making it suffer a little. If you could pare that phrase down and say the same thing in less words, I think you'd be set.
| Quote: |
Three days later,
Family gathers at this old church,
The boxes sit on the table,
To be buried in the earth.
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I think this is your most powerful stanza, just because it's so vivid. There's no waffling around here - it's obvious what you're talking about, what you're illustrating. This is a very powerful piece, especially since this is unfortunately such a common tragedy these days (e.g., a couple of my classmates last week). You've done a great job expressing this theme. |
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