Kylan
A pezzonovante, a real .90 caliber
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Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 903
Reviews: 226
Country: USA
280 Points
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 Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 11:05 pm Post subject: Hitler's Pavane |
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David cries little tears
of glass, raining onto celestial tapestries:
stars that corrupt the sky
like pinpoint screams, punctured
by iron spiders.
Molotov cocktails breathe to
the tempo of dystopia
and lust and human venom,
whose twisted instruments are breaking glass
and gasping footsteps.
Torahs are like cattle brands and
six-point stars are jaundiced badges
that whisper prophesies of ashes burning holes
in Polish snow and gas stumbling from perforated mouths
like pale refugees from a train.
Shattered glass pieces dance in the twilight,
animated by the nodding heads of flames –
metronomes feeding on menorahs.
They dance ponderous and graceful steps,
and laugh incandescent smiles at David
who lies among the stars
whispering crumpled prayers that sound like
a trillion bricks through a flame smudged window. |
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"'At's the shtuff! Give the friggin' world back to the friggin' people!"
~ Kurt Vonnegut
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Suzanne
is home
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 6652
Reviews: 1712
Country: Riverbluff, MO
4535 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: |
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Some of your language here is really good, but in some points (standing out to me most, S1) you try too hard to be poetic and forget to make sense, grammatically, at least. I'm also left wonder, what point are you trying to make? It's all very beautiful--but does it add up to something?
Of course, this is a topic I'm well known on. ^^; but I'm currently trying to become well known on math equations so... Expect more from me either later tonight or tomorrow. If it doesn't happen, please, prod me. I have a lot I could say, I just don't have the time. #_#
I promised a deeper critique. ^_^ Here I am?
| Quote: |
David cries little tears
of glass, raining onto celestial tapestries:
stars that corrupt the sky
like pinpoint screams, punctured
by iron spiders. |
I like the imagery you are going for but at the same time, I hate it. I think it is merely your diction that bothers me more than anything. Why not change "tears of glass" to "glass tears" and I think "celestial tapestries" is too over the top--what are you talking about? "pinpoint" seems too odd a word to use, instead of tacking a word on to "Screams" why not just make "screams" more powerful? Pinpoint doesn't make sense anyway, somewhat. I also do not like the word corrupt. And Iron spiders. Again, it's just that all your imagery is so bizarre. But, I do like some of the mixture of it. I think of Kristallnacht, which may have been your intention, and the use of stars does work well. It's just that your imagery is so strong, nearly violent (and not in the way you would want it to be) that what you are trying to say, if there is something, is lost.
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Molotov cocktails breathe to
the tempo of dystopia
and lust and human venom,
whose twisted instruments are breaking glass
and gasping footsteps. |
Here, I think your message stands a little stronger, although again your diction is bizarre. Or perhaps just how you are saying things. I like the use of dystopia--though I needed a dictionary. "and lust and human venom" is an ugly line, whether because your descriptors are vague, or because it reads poorly. What really bothers me is that you are saying that their instruments are "breaking glass" the act of breaking glass and "gasping footsteps" which is obscure because footsteps, prints, cannot breathe, though I somewhat understand what you are getting at.
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Torahs are like cattle brands and
six-point stars are jaundiced badges
that whisper prophesies of ashes burning holes
in Polish snow and gas stumbling from perforated mouths
like pale refugees from a train. |
This stanza is my favorite, and I cannot complain about it. I can only complain about how the rest of this poem is around this stanza. To me, in each stanza, you seem to almost be saying the exact same thing. You're telling a story about the Holocaust--but telling in poetry never seems to work well and like I said, you aren't saying anything that you didn't say in the previous stanza and you do not seem to be developing anything.
| Quote: |
Shattered glass pieces dance in the twilight,
animated by the nodding heads of flames –
metronomes feeding on menorahs.
They dance ponderous and graceful steps,
and laugh incandescent smiles at David |
Well, I can't really say anything. You're just saying, so it seems, exactly what you have said. It starts to make the poem boring.
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who lies among the stars
whispering crumpled prayers that sound like
a trillion bricks through a flame smudged window. |
Trillion is an interesting word, and I am not sure how flames can smudge windows, but it is neat.
Overall, I think your biggest problem is that I am not feeling anything (somewhat). Like I said before your desire to be poetic seems to entirely engulf what ever message you may or may not have for the reader. From my reading, you don't develop anything through the poem, only make statements about the Holocaust. Only one stanza (the one Is aid I liked) was, to me, tolerable in how it was written and the words you used. I am sorry to be so harsh but honesty is helpful, in the end. I think if you would like to write a poem about the Holocaust you need to think more about what you want to say. Perhaps this is something I see as common among your poetry, I may be wrong, but you seem to describe an event, something happening, but never entirely put the reader inside of it. You have several poems that are good, this one, though, just lacks development. Nothing happens from the first line to the last but a strong use of bizarre words and imagery, which doesn't add up to much of anything.
I hope this helps. ^_^ Any questions, feel free to PM me. |
_________________
Morgenstern, ach, scheine auf das Antlitz mein.
Wirf ein warmes Licht auf mein Ungesicht.
Sag mir ich bin nicht alleine...
(und der Stern will scheinen.)
Last edited by Suzanne on Sat May 17, 2008 3:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Eimear
You've got to pick a poet or two
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 548
Reviews: 278
Country: Beside the sea, Ireland
2578 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:08 am Post subject: |
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This is really very good. Although I agree with what Suzanne said about you maybe trying to be over poetic at times, therefore losing your thread a little. Other than that what I can say is that you have some supberb imagery in this.
I especially liked:
| Quote: |
Shattered glass pieces dance in the twilight,
animated by the nodding heads of flames |
Wow. Nice. It's darkly powerful.
The ending is great as well:
| Quote: |
They dance ponderous and graceful steps,
and laugh incandescent smiles at David
who lies among the stars
whispering crumpled prayers that sound like
a trillion bricks through a flame smudged window. |
Overall, very good. Just try not to get carried away with your description or the poem will lose it's meaning.
Oh, and great topic to pick.
Eimear |
_________________
'I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference'
-Robert Frost- |
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