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Eimear
It ain't me, babe
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 Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: Love; Understated |
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Even when neglected, it
manages to flourish within itself.
It could survive without
air, rhythm, soul or thought,
because it’s in every movement we make,
affirming itself again. Breathing. It lives.
A muscle twitching around my mouth,
the way your words un-weave my former
guarded self like a careless ribbon,
thrown to the wind; forgotten.
One gesture from you to me could break
Northern lights into midday dawn.
Your burning stare,
Igniting it again. It’s wild,
I cannot stop.
It’s as normal as
the everyday miracle.
Two kindred souls
locking horns.
Fighting a guerrilla war
of minds meeting their match.
It belongs to us.
An orb of power in our hands-
ours to hold, and ours to destroy.
It’s a timeless story to be play out,
to end in tragedy or hopeless joy.
Prickles on the skin.
The longing that comes
with the doomed lover’s lonely night.
Sparks of electricity.
Love; Understated…
In it’s simplicity. |
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spaced_out
Writer
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| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 8:20 pm Post subject: Re: Love; Understated |
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| Eimear wrote: |
Even when neglected, it
manages to flourish within itself.
It could survive without
air, rhythm, soul or thought,
because it’s in every movement we make,
affirming itself again. Breathing. It lives.
A muscle twitching around my mouth,
the way your words un-weave my former
guarded self like a careless ribbon,
thrown to the wind; forgotten.
One gesture from you to me could break
Northern lights into midday dawn.
Your burning stare,
Igniting it again. It’s wild,
I cannot stop.
It’s as normal as
the everyday miracle.
Two kindred souls
locking horns.
Fighting a guerrilla war
of minds meeting their match.
It belongs to us.
An orb of power in our hands-
ours to hold, and ours to destroy.
It’s a timeless story to be play out,
to end in tragedy or hopeless joy.
Prickles on the skin.
The longing that comes
with the doomed lover’s lonely night.
Sparks of electricity.
Love; Understated…
In it’s simplicity. |
WOW! that poem took me breath away. that was the best poem I have read in a long time! Do you do this often? you are very good. You should write many more, and post them here.
space |
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El-lyncho
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| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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That poem is definitely very powerful and seems to illustrates the point well of the unmovability of a strong feeling (i.e. love).
The first time I read it through I wasn't sure about the seeming change of perspective or viewpoint from parts like
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| Breathing. It lives. |
and
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A muscle twitching around my mouth,
the way your words... |
, but after a few times it seemed to make it seem deeper.
A very interesting and thought arousing poem. I can see it's been well thought out. |
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις
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792 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: Re: Love; Understated |
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| Eimear wrote: |
Even when neglected, it
manages to flourish within itself.
It could survive without
air, rhythm, soul or thought,
because it’s in every movement we make,
affirming itself again. Breathing. It lives.
A muscle twitching around my mouth,
the way your words un-weave my former
guarded self like a careless ribbon,
thrown to the wind; forgotten.
One gesture from you to me could break
Northern lights into midday dawn.
Your burning stare,
Igniting it again. It’s wild,
I cannot stop.
It’s as normal as
the everyday miracle.
Two kindred souls
locking horns.
Fighting a guerrilla war
of minds meeting their match.
It belongs to us.
An orb of power in our hands-
ours to hold, and ours to destroy.
It’s a timeless story to be play(ed) out,
to end in tragedy or hopeless joy.
Prickles on the skin.
The longing that comes
with the doomed lover’s lonely night.
Sparks of electricity.
Love; Understated…
In it’s simplicity. |
That's really all I saw...That and capitalize the first letter of each new line. But I really enjoyed this! Keep it up! :D |
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Kylan
how superior.
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372 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: |
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Eimear -
You have something good here. You took a common, well-used idea and twisted it into something relatively unique. The language was good, the imagery was good, and overall, it was easy to read and digest. Something that my poetry lacks. I think you did a very good job being succinct and clear and to the point without being overtly blunt. And you managed to splash a little artistry in with the mix.
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| Breathing. It lives. |
I think this would be a lot more effective as, "Breathing, it lives."
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Love; Understated…
In it’s simplicity. |
I'm not so fond of how you structured this. It doesn't flow like the rest of the poem. Consider:
"Love; understated
in it's simplicity."
This is just as powerful, but without the convuluted style of grammar.
Anyway, very nice job. I enjoyed this.
-Kylan |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 7:55 am Post subject: |
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I've one problem, never ever end a poem with the title, it's a big let down after such an amazing poem. Try and work out a better ending. But your improving which is good, starting to show more and tell and getting out of navelgazing, (They grow up so fast *weeps*) heh, I'm kidding.
But, other than the ending being slightly anti-climatic with using the title, it's very well written.
Overall: My only beef is the end. But very good.
Good luck
VSN |
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Writer27
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought that this was amazing, I absolutely loved it. I hope that you'll post more poetry. : ) |
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enzoguy15
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 9:20 pm Post subject: |
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| WOW! that was a great poem, The others above me have basically fixed your poem so i wont bother with editing. But WOW! |
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