Topic ID: 30210
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 1186 Reviews: 187 Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing* 2552 Points
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Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: Branding |
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I'm not that good at poetry, but I like this one. :)
Branding
I made an indentation on the world;
I carved my initials into its soul
And left my mark.
I was the song that played in its dreams
For one night.
I was the ink-stain on its weathered pages –
A stately sentence, a stamp of purpose on the paper.
I stood and screamed into the sky
And the world heard me.
I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky.
I burned myself into its crust –
The messy and the mundane and the magnificent –
All of it, scorched onto the skin of the earth.
I was the scab on the surface of the world;
Itchy and crusted black with burnt-out dreams,
And the weariness of words not heard.
I was the scar that formed when the scab was scratched;
Pink flesh faintly puckered with remembered pain,
Stretched and smoothed by the slow passage of time.
I was the smear of dirt,
The stain of quirks and confusion,
Of irrational anger and hysteria.
I was music and midnight,
Hope and despair,
Fear and strength.
I scarred and sang and screamed;
I broke and blackened and scorched;
I laughed and loved and lived,
And the world saw.
The world remembered.
I was here. |
_________________ R: HAHAHAHAHAHA...
Me: Oh dear, why are you so happy?
R: Is it a bad thing?
Me: No, I just want to know if I should dive into a bomb shelter.
R: Why does everyone keep saying that? |
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Rubric
Neophyte Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 22 Dec 2007 Posts: 275 Reviews: 48 Country: Australia 642 Points
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 6:29 am Post subject: |
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My god this is awesome!
"I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. "
This is, for me, clearly the best part, as the imagery is really striking.
"broke and blackened and scorched; "
you have four lines with heavy alliteration, is this intended to break it up a little?
Again, awesome.
Rubric |
_________________ Religion is a crutch for those who cannot handle drugs and, by the same token, vice versa. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 3810 Reviews: 646 Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines. 1015 Points
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 7:29 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, this is very navel-gazing. You do have nice imagery but don't really try and relate us to the poem, one way or another. Instead you tell us everything, rather than show it. And the repetition of 'I' doesn't help in any way at all. It drones on and with the sentences all mostly beginning the same way. To me this seems more like a set of ideas, not poem, as you could explore each part of the ideas in different stanzas.
Overall: Right now it's to you, we wish to involved and remember show don't tell. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN |
_________________ We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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Eimear
You've got to pick a poet or two Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Jan 2008 Posts: 538 Reviews: 274 Country: Beside the sea, Ireland 2424 Points
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Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:44 am Post subject: |
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Hmmm, I did like this very much, I have to say. I could really relate to the speaker, you know? It spoke to me.
However I disliked the constant use of 'I'. I felt that there could have been better ways to protray your theme, and it boarders on telling rather than showing in many places.
Other than that, good concept. You were almost making a mark of your own by writing this poem. Clever idea.
The ending is great:
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The world remembered.
I was here. |
Simple. I adore simple yet effective endings.
Best wishes,
Eimear |
_________________ 'I took the road less travelled by, and that has made all the difference'
-Robert Frost- |
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khfan890
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 05 Jan 2008 Posts: 210 Reviews: 33 Country: the best country in the world 716 Points
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Posted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject: |
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I liked this alot!! I agree with Eimear. I love simple endings. The constant use of "I" didn't bother me like it did others (then again, I'm not big on poetry).
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| Hmm, this is very navel-gazing. |
Huh? What does that mean? |
_________________ Death is no respecter of persons. Just felt like saying that. |
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This_is_history
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 17 Mar 2008 Posts: 258 Reviews: 14 Country: The gorgeous land of My Brilliant Mind. 311 Points
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Posted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:11 am Post subject: |
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This is absolutely gorgeous. Your imagery is beautiful. I love the bumpy flow at the first, and then how it smooths towards the end.
This is the most amazing part:
"I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. "
It's beautiful. The whole thing was so pretty I almost cried. I really liked the idea. I loved it, the whole thing and really, I have nothing bad to say.
Keep it up, you're amazing!
-Elise |
_________________ I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
This is the child that no-one sees, lost in a long ago melody. |
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 1186 Reviews: 187 Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing* 2552 Points
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Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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| khfan890 wrote: |
I liked this alot!! I agree with Eimear. I love simple endings. The constant use of "I" didn't bother me like it did others (then again, I'm not big on poetry).
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| Hmm, this is very navel-gazing. |
Huh? :? What does that mean? |
Um, I think it means I'm being egotistical...but that was sort of the point. *blushes*
Thank you all for your critiques! I appreciate all the advice and compliments. :) |
_________________ R: HAHAHAHAHAHA...
Me: Oh dear, why are you so happy?
R: Is it a bad thing?
Me: No, I just want to know if I should dive into a bomb shelter.
R: Why does everyone keep saying that? |
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gyrfalcon
to live would be an awefully big adventure Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 04 Sep 2006 Posts: 2012 Reviews: 410 Country: follow me 1116 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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| While you may not be a poet, you have every right to be proud of this poem. I’m not much of a poetry-editor, but I loved it. Your use of metaphor was especially pleasing—initials, ink-stain, song, instrument, wounds, scars, all of them were beautifully used and accessible. Your rhythm is pretty good, neither exceptionally flowing nor exceptionally jerky—the rhythm is not what this poem is about. I quite enjoyed the overall sentiment. It seems so often these days we get poems about how insignificant the poet feels, how cruel the world is, and while both these things are often true, your poem focuses on a more positive side of things: we can and do make a difference. Overall, darling, quite lovely. |
_________________ "You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people." ~Granny Weatherwax |
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