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Gypsie Eyes: chapter four
Gypsie Eyes: chapter four

by gyrfalcon in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on May 14, 2008
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lyrical_sunshine   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 5:01 pm    Post subject: Branding Reply with quote

I'm not that good at poetry, but I like this one. :)



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I made an indentation on the world;

I carved my initials into its soul

And left my mark.

I was the song that played in its dreams

For one night.

I was the ink-stain on its weathered pages – 

A stately sentence, a stamp of purpose on the paper.

I stood and screamed into the sky

And the world heard me.

I slid across the world’s heartstrings

And made a melody that lingered

Like snowflakes in the sky.

I burned myself into its crust –

The messy and the mundane and the magnificent –

All of it, scorched onto the skin of the earth.

I was the scab on the surface of the world;

Itchy and crusted black with burnt-out dreams,

And the weariness of words not heard.

I was the scar that formed when the scab was scratched;

Pink flesh faintly puckered with remembered pain,

Stretched and smoothed by the slow passage of time.

I was the smear of dirt,

The stain of quirks and confusion,

Of irrational anger and hysteria.

I was music and midnight,

Hope and despair,

Fear and strength.

I scarred and sang and screamed;

I broke and blackened and scorched;

I laughed and loved and lived,

And the world saw.

The world remembered.

I was here.

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 6:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My god this is awesome!

"I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. "

This is, for me, clearly the best part, as the imagery is really striking.


"broke and blackened and scorched; "

you have four lines with heavy alliteration, is this intended to break it up a little?

Again, awesome.

Rubric

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Vernon   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 7:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, this is very navel-gazing. You do have nice imagery but don't really try and relate us to the poem, one way or another. Instead you tell us everything, rather than show it. And the repetition of 'I' doesn't help in any way at all. It drones on and with the sentences all mostly beginning the same way. To me this seems more like a set of ideas, not poem, as you could explore each part of the ideas in different stanzas.

Overall: Right now it's to you, we wish to involved and remember show don't tell. Hope this helps.

Good luck
VSN

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 8:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm, I did like this very much, I have to say. I could really relate to the speaker, you know? It spoke to me.

However I disliked the constant use of 'I'. I felt that there could have been better ways to protray your theme, and it boarders on telling rather than showing in many places.

Other than that, good concept. You were almost making a mark of your own by writing this poem. Clever idea.

The ending is great:

Quote:
The world remembered.
I was here.


Simple. I adore simple yet effective endings.

Best wishes,

Eimear

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PostPosted: Tue May 20, 2008 11:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this alot!! I agree with Eimear. I love simple endings. The constant use of "I" didn't bother me like it did others (then again, I'm not big on poetry).

Quote:
Hmm, this is very navel-gazing.


Huh? Confused What does that mean?

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PostPosted: Wed May 21, 2008 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is absolutely gorgeous. Your imagery is beautiful. I love the bumpy flow at the first, and then how it smooths towards the end.
This is the most amazing part:
"I slid across the world’s heartstrings
And made a melody that lingered
Like snowflakes in the sky. "
It's beautiful. The whole thing was so pretty I almost cried. I really liked the idea. I loved it, the whole thing and really, I have nothing bad to say.
Keep it up, you're amazing!
-Elise

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This is the child that no-one sees, lost in a long ago melody.
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PostPosted: Thu May 22, 2008 6:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

khfan890 wrote:
I liked this alot!! I agree with Eimear. I love simple endings. The constant use of "I" didn't bother me like it did others (then again, I'm not big on poetry).

Quote:
Hmm, this is very navel-gazing.


Huh? :? What does that mean?


Um, I think it means I'm being egotistical...but that was sort of the point. *blushes*

Thank you all for your critiques! I appreciate all the advice and compliments. :)

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

While you may not be a poet, you have every right to be proud of this poem. I’m not much of a poetry-editor, but I loved it. Your use of metaphor was especially pleasing—initials, ink-stain, song, instrument, wounds, scars, all of them were beautifully used and accessible. Your rhythm is pretty good, neither exceptionally flowing nor exceptionally jerky—the rhythm is not what this poem is about. I quite enjoyed the overall sentiment. It seems so often these days we get poems about how insignificant the poet feels, how cruel the world is, and while both these things are often true, your poem focuses on a more positive side of things: we can and do make a difference. Overall, darling, quite lovely.

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