LilyReagan
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 25 May 2008
Posts: 137
Reviews: 29
Country: Back in Australia! Hoorah!
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 2:04 am Post subject: |
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I feel like giving you a hug. Not to be a creeper or anything. I'm just IMMENSELY proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was one part I thought sounded awkward at first glance.
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| “It wasn’t worth the lives,” Carson snapped. “I’ll deal.” Then, quieter, “I always have, you can’t deny that.” |
That one piece sounds wierd. I think that it's phrased wrong, or something.... You might consider altering that. Maybe it's just me......
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| There was no room for weakness or grief in his job. You got on with your life, and used your anger to fight the criminals that took away your life, your love. That’s the way he did it, at least. |
This is so sad! A perfect way to end the chapter. Wait, is it a chapter???
Whatever. I loved it. It's such a creative plot, too. Wow.
*gives CK Lynn a standing ovation*
Yay!!!
-Lily |
_________________
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
~Anonymous
Nulla dies sine linea. --Not a day without a line |
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CastlesInTheSky
to sleep, perchance to dream.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 448
Reviews: 125
Country: second to the left and straight on 'till morning.
1119 Points
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| Posted: Wed Dec 03, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there, CK Lynn! Here as requested. I'm reviewing the updated/revised version, by the way, so don't worry that I've reviewed the first one, or whatever.
“She’s dead, Clark. I accept that,”
Intriguing first line. It grabs the reader's attention and screams at them to want to know more. One thing though - you should close the speech marks because the 'At 26' bit isn't linked to the speech. Indent it so that the 'At 26' bit goes onto a new paragraph. So it would read:
"She's dead, Clark. I accept that."
At 26,Carson Layne’s black hair had no sign of gray, [...]
At 26, Carson Layne’s black hair had no sign of gray,
When writing in a story, you shouldn't use numbers in the digits sense. So change '26' to 'twenty-six.' (or twenty six, if you're fussy about hyphons.)
but his eyes were so much older than is face.
This is a clever observation; it's details like this that make a story real. However, 'is' before face, needs a 'h' in front of it so it reads, 'his'. Easy typo to make.
They were haunted, deep green orbs that had already seen more than anyone should.
This, again, is an intelligent observation about the character. I like the way you make what I call a police blotter description, of his eyes, sound literary. You make it flow well.
“You had a chance, Car. You had a chance to save Becky, and no matter what you say, I know you considered taking it.” Clark Fisher stared back at his friend, trying, as he had for years, to decipher the other man’s cryptically blank expression.
Your dialogue is excellent; very realistic and plausible. You can imagine it happening between the characters. I think you should break up the third sentence to add effect, so it would read,
'Clark Fisher stared back at his friend. He was trying, as he had for years, to decipher the other man’s cryptically blank expression. "
“It wasn’t worth the lives,” Carson snapped emotion breaking through for a moment.
You need to insert a comma after 'snapped', before 'emotion', to make this gramatically correct.
“I’ll deal.” Then, quieter, “I always have, you can’t deny that.”
Good, perceptive. Brings more flesh to the character, makes it more edgy.
“But she was the only one who was more than a face to you,” Clark broke away from Carson’s soul-splitting gaze. “And you can’t deny that.”
I love the thought of a soul-splitting gaze, it's very original. I think the first sentence would sound better if you inserted 'just' before 'a face'.
“No I can’t. But one life is not worth five. And Becky would agree.”
Comma after 'no.'
Carson trudged out the missing wall of the building. Beyond that lay his city, and the grimy, ash-darkened row of stores that was Waller Street, once the most upscale lane of shops in New Haven, Colorado. Now it was just a slum. A stinking, smoking, slum.
Very good description - just enough to give us a visual image but not overdoing it.
Carson kicked a stone that lay by his foot. It skittered across the broken asphalt and stooped by the shoulder of a sleeping drunk. Beyond the street’s façade, the sun sank into the ground, casting shadows over the street. The orange-reddish tint of the sky reminded most people of autumn leaves. It looked to Carson like the fire from an exploded gas tank. He’d seen enough of them to know the color. Twilight approached, harbinger of night.
This isn't helpful at all, but I adored this description. Beautiful narrative control and gives us an insight into the personality of Carson.
[b] Okay, I really, really liked this.
It was so cleverly done and the characterisation was brilliant. You obviously know the character inside out. You disclose memories of his like his lover who died, picturing her in a coffin and this shows us the more life-like side of him. First, we see a withdrawn, hardboiled tough guy, who finds it difficult to show his feelings, and then, without making it cheesy and out of character, you give the reader something to empathise with him, you show his memories, you show he does have feelings, despite the rough diamond exterior. Your characterisation was just great, and please don't develop them anymore, as it fits in with the piece.
The description was good as well. There were some really great descriptive moments, including the one I quoted from.
However, you need more description and details at the start, in the dialogue. It would have been better. After the speech marks, a bit of detail on what action the character did after talking, how they drummed thier fingers awkwardly on the table during the awkward silence, how their lips pursed.
Also - dialogue was realistic, as Icaruss pointed out. Very authentic.
I'm giving you a gold star for this.
Well done.
Sarah
xxx |
_________________
Dreams are the eraser dust I blow off my page.
They fade into the emptiness, another dark gray day.
Dreams are only memories of the life I had back then.
Dreams are eraser dust and now I use a pen. |
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