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Mr. Jones
Mr.  Jones

by Jonny in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 13, 2008
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In the Land of Harmony Chapter 1 Part 2
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The Jane Effect Part 4
The Jane Effect Part 5
We Will Not Listen Part 1 & 2
The Jane Effect Part 6
The Jane Effect Part 7
The Jane Effect Part 8
The Jane Effect Part 8.2
The Jane Effect Part 9

The Jane Effect Part 2

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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 11:05 pm    Post subject: The Jane Effect Part 2 Reply with quote

The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death

Part 2: Honor

Elizabeth closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Knowing that her family's honor was in her hands made Elizabeth's stomach churn. As she turned the silver knob, Emily grunted impatiently behind her. With a painted look of ease, Elizabeth swung open the door and walked into the drawing room.

Surprisingly, the room looked more put together than it did just moments before. The curtains were drawn to give the room a more homey effect, Elizabeth supposed. Flowers of different variety sat peacefully in blue vases.

In his huge oak chair, sat Mr. Greenly, his silver hair pulled back into a ponytail. On his face, he wore a sad but contented smile.

Elizabeth was in fact, his favorite child out of the four he fathered. Maxine, in his opinion, was too lively, and didn't think about life as much as she should.

Patrick, a son of many talents, disappointed him by running away and marrying a French pianist at the tender age of fifteen. Yes, he wrote every once in a while, but Mr. Greenly wished that his family could be together before everyone got married off. Daniel, his eldest son, was a very quiet soul. When there were family gatherings, no one could recall whether he was a man or a ghost. His manner was dead.

Out of all of his children, Elizabeth Jane, was the most conscious and reasonable. She was wise beyond her years, and she had a beautiful vocabulary. Marrying young, he thought, would take away from the essence that made her her. To please his dear wife, Alison, he tried to pretend that he approved of Mr. William Harvey, but he knew deep down that he did not care for any man who wanted to come take his Lizzie from him. Before greeting Mr. Harvey, Elizabeth ran to her father, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He then gave her a bright smile, but turned back to his sullen facial attire when Elizabeth walked away.

After greeting her father, Elizabeth moved towards Mr. Harvey, who was as handsome as any man could be. His brow was strong but yet sincere. Even in his posture, Elizabeth could see that his parents raised him to be a bold young man.

As she was taught, Elizabeth curtsied slightly, then glued her eyes to the wooden floor that lye under her feet. When a hand moved under hers, she almost flushed a deep red. Unwillingly, she lifted her eyes to find that Mr. Harvey was just inches away from her.

He rose Elizabeth's hand to his lips, and kissed it gently. Then he stepped back, and dropped his eyes to the ground.

"Why such innocence, you are to be married soon?" a gruff voice asked.

Elizabeth turned her head to find a man sitting in the far corner, hidden from the rest of the party. His long, raven black hair fell like rain around his face. Through the black curtain, his eyes shone like a blue-jay finally seeing the light.

In Elizabeth's opinion, he wasn't as handsome as Mr. Harvey, but his appearance was acceptable.

"Perhaps, Sir Harvey is right. Come along, maybe we should give them some privacy," Mrs. Greenly agreed, tapping her husband on his shoulder.

Trying to look astonished, Elizabeth took another look at the man who sat quietly in the corner. This was Mr. Harvey's father.

Suddenly, Sir Harvey's eyes met Elizabeth's, full of disapproval. As he walked passed her, he leaned in towards her ear and whispered something that was inaudible to everyone else.

"Do you find me handsome, Miss Greenly?" he asked, smile in his voice.

Without answering, Elizabeth dropped her eyes back to the familiar wooden floor, and turned away. She could hear Sir Harvey's silent laughter, as he walked out of the drawing room. Soon, the door closed, leaving Mr. Harvey and Elizabeth alone.

"Please excuse my brother, miss, he's a little bold, if you will," Mr. Harvey explained.

"Your brother? I thought he was...," Elizabeth started, shock written across her face.

"Yes, a lot of people mistake him for being my father, but he is not," Mr. Harvey interrupted, shaking his head.

Silence tainted the air as Mr. Harvey and Elizabeth stood there not saying anymore to each other.

"If we're going to be married soon, we mind as well be honest to one another. I don't think that I could ever love you comma Elizabeth, and its only for the sole reason that I am in love with someone else. Please, don't fret, we will be married, as I am a man of my word. Now, if you have anything that you must confess, please say something before we are bound by matrimony," Mr. Harvey said, breaking the dead silence.

Elizabeth as nervous as she was, forced a smile upon her face. Mr. Harvey's straightforwardness was harsh and yet not unexpected. A man of such stature could not agree to marry a woman of her appearance and rank without having already captured the affections of another woman. Elizabeth did not know how this marriage was arranged but her father would have had to pay more than rubies to win the heart of this man. She turned her head, and stared at the fireplace on the far right wall. It was the only action she could do to conceal her true feelings. Her soul was burning, as if it had been thrust into the fire. She watched it char, feeling nothing but sorrow. Was there a man in this world who could ever love her unconditionally?

"I am glad you are so honest, Mr. Harvey," she replied, softly.

"I prefer William or Will, but seriously, you're not upset?" Mr. Harvey asked, coming into her view.

Blinking away tears, Elizabeth shook her head 'no' and then gave William a smile. She would bring honor to her family, even if she had to mask her sensibility. Time slowly passed by as William and Elizabeth talked. They spoke of how they were likely to become best friends sooner or later and of their families. When Elizabeth mentioned her sister, William took up an innocent interest and asked lots of questions concerning Maxine. Elizabeth gladly answered all of them, but failed to mention anything about her looks. Though she would not forget Mr. Harvey's first words to her, she would forever concieve him as an affable man. Besides, you couldn't control who you fell in love with. Soon, the rain vanished into the night, and the door to the drawing room was opened. Lydia stuck her red head in and announced that dinner was served.

Both Elizabeth and William then got up, exited the room, and Elizabeth led the way to the "grand" dining hall.

Elizabeth and her family spent many wondrous times in their little dining room. In fact, Maxine lost her first tooth there, No need for the comma after "there when she was five. As Elizabeth entered the room, she remembered quite easily the time when she bashed Maxine's head into the wall. A tiny chuckle rose in her throat, but Elizabeth contained it as she sat in the seat William pulled out for her.

Just as William was about to sit beside Elizabeth, Mr. Greenly held up his hand and motioned for him to sit beside him at the head of the table, next to Maxine.

Daniel, who was probably upset that their were visitors, sat on the other side of Maxine, next to Mrs. Greenly. Elizabeth silently rejoiced at the empty seat beside her, but she suddenly remembered Sir Harvey. As if he heard the mention of his name in Elizabeth's head, he waltzed into the room, his gait as harsh as a crow's. With unexplained anger, he took his seat next to Elizabeth, and folded his hands on the table.

Smells of chicken and bread filled the air. Bertha, one of the eldest maids, was an excellent cook. Since Elizabeth's mother couldn't even boil water, she prepared every meal that the Greenly family consumed, and it was always delicious.

Hours passed by, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Sir Harvey didn't speak much to Elizabeth but he struck up conversation with the rest of the family, including Daniel. The candle's flame began to die down, creating a comfortable atmosphere in the room. When Elizabeth reached for her fork, she accidently touched Sir Harvey's hand. It was cold, almost as freezing as ice on a winter's day. Violently, Sir Harvey pulled his hand away, then picked up his glass and sipped some of his water. Blood flowed to the surface of Elizabeth's face. Luckily, no one seemed to notice her little encounter with Sir Harvey, so she continued to eat her food in silence.

"You provide a lovely table, Mrs. Greenly," Sir Harvey complimented, smiling.

"Actually, my daughter Maxine is to thank for this ravishing meal," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, lying through her teeth.

As if it were true, Maxine shook her head and smiled politely. Elizabeth rolled her eyes, but kept her mouth shut, for she knew her mother's intentions.

"Sir Harvey, I hear that you are a lover of art. My Maxine, is a very accomplished artist herself. Perhaps you'd like to see some of her work," Mrs. Greenly chimed up, sheepishly.

"Your sources are well informed then. Maybe on the next visit, though, I'm afraid young William and I must be off," Sir Harvey replied politely.

William, who was quiet throughout the whole dinner, stood and waited for permission to leave.

"So soon, Sir Harvey? We were just getting to be acquainted. I'm sure you can stay for dessert," Mrs. Greenly asked sadly.

"Please, Mrs. Greenly, call me Edward, and yes, I am sorry, but we have to go. Excuse me if I'm being rude, but we will come back soon for a more traditional party, if you will," Sir Harvey replied, smiling apologetically.

William bowed his head to Mr. Greenly and kissed both Maxine and Mrs. Greenly's hand. As he walked pass Elizabeth's chair, he bent to kiss her on the cheek. Then, the two Harvey brothers were off, led out by Lydia whose brow was wet.

"Talk about honor!" Mr. Greenly exclaimed.

"Yes, they indeed have all the honor we need," Mrs. Greenly agreed, taking a sip of her tea.

The Greenly family finished eating their food silently, and then went their separate ways for the night.


_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me


Last edited by Angel of Death on Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:09 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Jesse   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't find a thing that I could say to help make this better. I would rather read this than the book im reading now. Wow. Your good

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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 3:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, thanks Jesse Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 12:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I find myself very intrigued about all the siblings in this peice. I despretly want to find out more about them, as well as te lead and her betrothed. I am extremly amused by the brother who ran away.

I have only two actual critisisms. One, the veiw seems to swith to the father for a moment, and it shopuld probably stay with Elizabeth.

Two, this line:
Quote:
Sure, he wrote every once in a while,

seems to modern. It might need rewording.

Quote:
that lye under her feet.

Another typo. Don't those drive you nuts? I get them all the time.

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 11:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Angel, I'm back and ready to review!

I really enjoy these types of stories so I'm going to hurry and read Wink hehe

All Comments in black, all corrections in red.


The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death


Part 2: Honor


Elizabeth closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Knowing that her family's honor was in her hands, No need for the comma after "hands" made Elizabeth's stomach churn. As she turned the silver knob, Emily grunted impatiently behind her. With a painted look of ease, Elizabeth swung open the door and walked into the drawing room.

Surprisingly, the room looked more put together than it did just moments before. The curtains were drawn to give the room a more homey effect, Elizabeth supposed. Flowers of different variety sat peacefully in blue vases.

In his huge oak chair, sat Mr. Greenly, his silver hair pulled back into a ponytail. On his face, he wore a sad but contented smile. Why would his smile be sad? I would go into more detail about that.

Elizabeth was in fact, his favorite child out of the four he fathered. Maxine, in his opinion, was too lively, and didn't think about life as much as she should.

Patrick, a son of many talents, disappointed him by running away and marrying a French pianist at the tender age of fifteen. Yes, he wrote every once in a while, but Mr. Greenly wished that his family could be together before everyone got married off. Daniel, his eldest son, was a very quiet soul. When there were family gatherings, no one could recall whether he was a man or a ghost. His manner was dead.

Out of all of his children, Elizabeth Jane, was the most conscious and reasonable. She was wise beyond her years, and she had a beautiful vocabulary. Marrying young, he thought, would take away from the essence that made her her. To please his dear wife, Alison, he tried to pretend that he approved of Mr. William Harvey, but he knew deep down that he did not care for any man who wanted to come take his Lizzie from him. Oh, that is why he sad...forget my last comment Wink

Before greeting Mr. Harvey, Elizabeth ran to her father, and kissed him lightly on the cheek. He then gave her a bright smile, but turned back to his sullen facial attire when Elizabeth walked away.

After greeting her father, Elizabeth moved towards Mr. Harvey, who was as handsome as any man could be. His brow was strong but yet sincere. Even in his posture, Elizabeth could see that his parents raised him to be a bold young man.

As she was taught, Elizabeth curtsied slightly, then glued her eyes to the wooden floor that lye under her feet. When a hand moved under hers, she almost flushed a deep red. Unwillingly, she lifted her eyes to find that Mr. Harvey was just inches away from her.

He rose Elizabeth's hand to his lips, and kissed it gently. Then he stepped back, and dropped his eyes to the ground.

"Why such innocence, you are to be married soon?" a gruff voice asked.

Elizabeth turned her head to find a man sitting in the far corner, hidden from the rest of the party. His long, raven black hair fell like rain around his face. Through the black curtain, his eyes shone like a blue-jay finally seeing the light.

In Elizabeth's opinion, he wasn't as handsome as Mr. Harvey, but his appearance was acceptable.

"Perhaps, Sir Harvey is right. Come along, maybe we should give them some privacy," Mrs. Greenly agreed, tapping her husband on his shoulder.

Trying to look astonished, Elizabeth took another look at the man who sat quietly in the corner. This was Mr. Harvey's father.

Suddenly, Sir Harvey's eyes met Elizabeth's, full of disapproval. As he walked passed her, he leaned in towards her ear and whispered something that was inaudible to everyone else.

"Do you find me handsome, Miss Greenly?" he asked, smile in his voice.

Without answering, Elizabeth dropped her eyes back to the familiar wooden floor, and turned away. She could hear Sir Harvey's silent laughter, as he walked out of the drawing room. Soon, the door closed, leaving Mr. Harvey and Elizabeth alone.

"Please excuse my brother, miss, he's a little bold, if you will," Mr. Harvey explained.

"Your brother? I thought he was...," Elizabeth started, shock written across her face.

"Yes, a lot of people mistake him for being my father, but he is not," Mr. Harvey interrupted, shaking his head.

Silence tainted the air as Mr. Harvey and Elizabeth stood there not saying anymore to each other.

"If we're going to be married soon, we mind as well be honest to one another. I don't think that I could ever love you comma Elizabeth, and its only for the sole reason that I am in love with someone else. Please, don't fret, we will be married, as I am a man of my word. Now, if you have anything that you must confess, please say something before we are bound by matrimony," Mr. Harvey said, breaking the dead silence. Whoa!? Did he just say that...wow, I would be so put-off and angry at this point...

Elizabeth as nervous as she was, forced a smile upon her face. Yeah, Eliza's reaction doesn't sit well with me. I think you should have her react a little differently, at least internally.

"I am glad you are so honest, Mr. Harvey," Elizabeth replied softly.

"I prefer William or Will, but seriously, you're not upset?" Mr. Harvey asked smiling.

"No. You can not control who you fall in love with," Elizabeth replied, returning the smile.

Time slowly passed by as William and Elizabeth talked. They spoke of how they were likely to become best friends sooner or later and of their families. When Elizabeth mentioned her sister, William took up an innocent interest and asked lots of questions concerning Maxine. Elizabeth gladly answered all of them, but failed to mention anything about her looks.

Soon, the rain vanished into the night, and the door to the drawing room was opened. Lydia stuck her red head in and announced that dinner was served.

Both Elizabeth and William then got up, exited the room, and Elizabeth led the way to the "grand" dining hall.

Elizabeth and her family spent many wondrous times in their little dining room. In fact, Maxine lost her first tooth there, No need for the comma after "there when she was five. As Elizabeth entered the room, she remembered quite easily the time when she bashed Maxine's head into the wall. A tiny chuckle rose in her throat, but Elizabeth contained it as she sat in the seat William pulled out for her.

Just as William was about to sit beside Elizabeth, Mr. Greenly held up his hand and motioned for him to sit beside him at the head of the table, next to Maxine.

Daniel, who was probably upset that their were visitors, sat on the other side of Maxine, next to Mrs. Greenly. Elizabeth silently rejoiced at the empty seat beside her, but she suddenly remembered Sir Harvey. As if he heard the mention of his name in Elizabeth's head, he waltzed into the room, his gait as harsh as a crow's. With unexplained anger, he took his seat next to Elizabeth, and folded his hands on the table.

Smells of chicken and bread filled the air. Bertha, one of the eldest maids, was an excellent cook. Since Elizabeth's mother couldn't even boil water, she prepared every meal that the Greenly family consumed, and it was always delicious.

Hours passed by, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Sir Harvey didn't speak much to Elizabeth but he struck up conversation with the rest of the family, including Daniel. The candle's flame began to die down, creating a comfortable atmosphere in the room. When Elizabeth reached for her fork, she accidently touched Sir Harvey's hand. It was cold, almost as freezing as ice on a winter's day. Violently but softly, Sir Harvey pulled his hand away, then picked up his glass and sipped some of his water. How can someone do something "violently and softly" at the same time? That is sort of a wierd image you create. Try to elaborate more there.

Blood flowed to the surface of Elizabeth's face. Luckily, no one seemed to notice her little encounter with Sir Harvey, so she continued to eat her food in silence.

"You provide a lovely table, Mrs. Greenly," Sir Harvey complimented, smiling.

"Actually, my daughter Maxine is to thank for this ravishing meal," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, lying through her teeth.

As if it were true, Maxine shook her head and smiled politely. Elizabeth rolled her eyes, but kept her mouth shut, for she knew her mother's intentions.

"Sir Harvey, I hear that you are a lover of art. My Maxine, is a very accomplished artist herself. Perhaps you'd like to see some of her work," Mrs. Greenly chimed up, sheepishly.

"Your sources are well informed then. Maybe on the next visit, though, I'm afraid young William and I must be off," Sir Harvey replied politely.

William, who was quiet throughout the whole dinner, stood and waited for permission to leave.

"So soon comma Sir Harvey? We were just getting to be acquainted. I'm sure you can stay for dessert," Mrs. Greenly asked sadly.

"Please comma Mrs. Greenly, call me Edward, and yes, I am sorry, but we have to go. Excuse me if I'm being rude, but we will come back soon for a more traditional party, if you will," Sir Harvey replied, smiling apologetically.

William bowed his head to Mr. Greenly and kissed both Maxine and Mrs. Greenly's hand. As he walked pass Elizabeth's chair, he bent to kiss her on the cheek. Then, the two Harvey brothers were off, led out by Lydia whose brow was wet.

"Talk about honor!" Mr. Greenly exclaimed.

"Yes, they indeed have all the honor we need," Mrs. Greenly agreed, taking a sip of her tea.

The Greenly family finished eating their food silently, and then went their separate ways for the night.

I'm not sure what to think of this chapter. It was good, yes, but kind of abrupt. It was such a swift change in atmosphere that I was kind of taken off gaurd. My advise would be to go into more detail of Eliza's thought on all of this, since she is the MC.

Well, hope this helped Wink

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

~~Edited~~

~Angel

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