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The Uprising
The Uprising

by Buscador! in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on May 13, 2008
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Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Reverting-Part 1
Reverting- Part 2
Intuition Part 1
Intuition Part 2
Intuition Part 3
Intuition- Grand Finale

Intuition- Part 4

Topic ID: 30157
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RandomGrrl   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 4:04 am    Post subject: Intuition- Part 4 Reply with quote

Aged Twenty-Two Years:

Melody walked along a riverbed placing each foot carefully in front of the other. After reaching Vermont, Melody had found that there are some distinguishable differences between it and West Texas. But, differences aside, she liked Vermont. The forest she had been walking in every day for the last week was expansive and pleasant.

The water gurgled and splattered beside her; the natural sound almost made her smile. She took off her shoes and socks. Clutching them with one hand, she threw the other one out for balance as she hopped up onto a log and tiptoed down its trunk. At the end of the log were splintered fragments of wood from where the trunk had been hit by lightning.

There was the sharp snap of a branch cracking, and, turning, Mel saw a woman coming through a thicket of trees, a hefty backpack slung over her shoulder. Melody dropped off of the log, a squirming feeling in her gut. There was something wrong… Of course there was! She hadn’t known this woman was coming! She couldn’t “see”! Mel- the blinded Mel- groaned inwardly. This meant trouble, surely.

The woman swung her pack onto the forest floor and grunted.

“God, I feel like I’ve been walking for years,” she said, sitting on the log and taking off some clunky hiking boots, tapping the pebbles and dirt out. Melody smiled falsely. Perhaps the woman wasn’t a threat.

“You wouldn’t happen to know if there’s a diner or even just a fast-food joint around here, would you? I’m starved…” The woman continued.

“Sorry. Not from around here.” That was probably the most Mel had said to anyone in years. The woman sighed and went back to slapping her shoes. Mel didn’t know what to do. Should she just walk away? Or run? Was the lady finished talking to her? Did it even matter? She backed off a little, but hesitated.

“Betcha’ anything I look like hell. I haven’t had a shower in days! Haven’t even put my makeup on. Guess that’s the downside of hitchhiking, right?” The woman was talking again. She reached into her bag and pulled out a makeup case. Opening it, she started to blot her cheeks with a brush from a compact.

“Did you hear that?” she said, glancing at Mel in the compact mirror. Their eyes connected, and Melody’s snapped open.

She couldn’t breathe.

She opened her mouth and gulped in air, but it never managed to reach her lungs.

Her head seemed to implode; bright, flashing images, vibrant colors, stars, stripes, and other patterns formed and dissolved around her.

Then… the pain, fear, nausea, nostalgia; all the old feelings came and drowned out everything else.

Her brain couldn’t take it. He legs buckled beneath her, and she crumpled onto the floor. She was nearly relieved when the blackness washed over her.

Peace, at last.

♦♦♦

Aged Eleven:

Lying in bed in the old, frightening house, Melody was listening to her parents talking- they were talking about her.

But she wasn’t listening with her ears.

Her mother was remorseful, her father incensed.

It was that same night that they had moved in, and, needless to say, Mel was more than a little nervous about spending the night in the creaky building.

Jack was talking about her incident from earlier; her abnormal reaction to the house.

“Helen, you should have known better!” Jack was saying.

No, Mel told herself, It isn’t what he said. It’s what he will say.

“Jack, I’m so, so sorry. I had no idea! She hasn’t had a reaction in so long,” Helen sounded- would sound- anxious.

“We can’t take any risks with her!” Jack whispered dangerously.

“I know. I know I shouldn’t have now, but I mean… She’s just a kid! What would you have done?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that certain things cause her pain… fear… anxiety. And Earth-grown organics foods is one of the triggers.”

“I know, I know you’re right… I’m sorry…” Helen sobbed.

“I candy bar, Helen! You gave her a candy bar! With peanuts!”

“I’m sorry…”

Jack growled, breathed deeply, and shook his head.

“Yeah,” he muttered, “me too.”

Mel’s mind reeled. The candy bar she’d been eating in the car… The wrapper must have fallen off of her lap when Jack had lifted her. And after dinner… That must be what he had picked up… And what was that about organic food? Hmm…

♦♦♦

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JFW1415   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nit-Picks

Quote:
Mel- the blinded Mel- groaned inwardly. This meant trouble, surely.

Narrators can’t really switch names like that – call her Melody.

Quote:
Her brain couldn’t take it. Her legs buckled beneath her, and she crumpled onto the floor. She was nearly relieved when the blackness washed over her.

The last sentence really bothered me. How about just ‘…she crumpled onto the floor, a blackness washing over her?’

Quote:
Peace, at last.


Quote:
It was that same night that they had moved in, and, needless to say, Mel was more than a little nervous about spending the night in the creaky building.

Combine with the previous paragraph.

Quote:
“Jack, I’m so, so sorry. I had no idea! She hasn’t had a reaction in so long,” Helen sounded- would sound- anxious.

Italicize it, then.

Quote:
“I don’t know. All I know is that certain things cause her pain… fear… anxiety. And Earth-grown organics foods is one of the triggers.”

Oh! That makes a lot more sense. But you still need to give us little hints in the first part. Let us see her crumple the wrapper in her hand as the first scene – that’s a great beginning. Have her feel a pang of fear when her sister shoves the nail polish in her face. Stuff like that.

Quote:
I A candy bar, Helen! You gave her a candy bar! With peanuts!”

Quote:
“Yeah,” he muttered, “me too.”

Combine with previous paragraph.
Quote:

Mel’s mind reeled. The candy bar she’d been eating in the car… The wrapper must have fallen off of her lap when Jack had lifted her. And after dinner… That must be what he had picked up… And what was that about organic food? Hmm…

The ‘hmm…’ is really unsuited for this piece. I think you should ditch this paragraph – the next one is a much stronger ending. You're just reviewing facts and acting like it's first person. It really doesn't work well.

Overall Comments

I still feel I need more details. The characters are just floating in space right now! Give them somewhere to be. (But I won’t repeat the lecture.)

Also, what ever happened to Cherry?

Other than that, this seems to be coming together quite nicely. Off to read the last part!

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

_________________
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde

Join the CIA.

In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you?
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Azila   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello!

I liked this one MUCH more that part three. I actually think three was completely unnecessary. It was just an info-dump, really. I suggest you take the information from that part and spread it over the other parts. Anyway, this is a critique of part four, not part three. ^_^

Quote:
Melody walked along a riverbed placing each foot carefully in front of the other. After reaching Vermont, Melody had found that there are some distinguishable differences between it and West Texas. But, differences aside, she liked Vermont.
Bold: The bold word should just be "she," because you just said her name, and we know who you're talking about.
Underlined: This is just kind of awkward... maybe say something like "and she had found it very different from West Texas."
Italic: You don't need to say "Vermont" again, because you just said it and we know what you're talking about (sound familiar? Razz). Maybe try saying something like "New England" or "The East Coast?" Ya?

Quote:
Melody dropped off of the log, a squirming feeling in her gut.
Bold: This is kind of awkward. Maybe just say "her gut squirming"? Okay, maybe not -- that sounds a little weird. >.> But I think you should change it to something. Very Happy

Quote:
There was something wrong… Of course there was! She hadn’t known this woman was coming! She couldn’t “see”!
Too many exclamation points here. I know she's in a panic, but show us that with her actual words, not their punctuation. ^_~ Too many exclamation points gets boring and annoying to read.

Quote:
“Sorry. Not from around here.” That was probably the most Mel had said to anyone in years.
That's an exaggeration, right? I mean -- I know she's not social, but you pretty much need to say more than that if you're just buying groceries, getting on a bus, anything that I'm sure she does. ^_~

Quote:
Peace, at last.
I agree with JFW that that comma shouldn't be there. But I know what you're trying to do, so maybe try replacing it with a dash or ellipses (a.k.a. "dot dot dot")?

Quote:
Lying in bed in the old, frightening house, Melody was listening to her parents talking- they were talking about her.
Pretty self-explanatory, yes? ^_~

Quote:
No, Mel told herself, It isn’t what he said. It’s what he will say.
This is kind of dumb-sounding to me, because people don't actually think to themselves in full sentences (not usually, at least). If I were you, I'd change it to something more subtle, like maybe "Or, she reminded herself, that was what he was going to say."

Quote:
“Jack, I’m so, so sorry. I had no idea! She hasn’t had a reaction in so long,” Helen sounded- would sound- anxious.
“We can’t take any risks with her!” Jack whispered dangerously.
“I know. I know I shouldn’t have now, but I mean… She’s just a kid! What would you have done?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that certain things cause her pain… fear… anxiety. And Earth-grown organics foods is one of the triggers.”
“I know, I know you’re right… I’m sorry…” Helen sobbed.
“I candy bar, Helen! You gave her a candy bar! With peanuts!”
“I’m sorry…”


Jack growled, breathed deeply, and shook his head.
“Yeah,” he muttered, “me too.”
Underlined: I think you should make all the parts that I underlined italic, because they're thoughts -- sort of. Well, you know what I mean. ^_^
Bold: Eep! Too many exclamation points, again.
Italic: Why the heck does Helen keep apologizing? It's like Melody is Jack's toy, and Helen broke it. She doesn't seems to have any [emotional] connection to Melody at all.

Quote:
Mel’s mind reeled. The candy bar she’d been eating in the car… The wrapper must have fallen off of her lap when Jack had lifted her. And after dinner… That must be what he had picked up… And what was that about organic food? Hmm…
I definitely agree with JFW1415 -- this whole paragraph either needs to go, or needs a serious makeover. ^_~
___________________

I like the opening scene of this part... it's mysterious! Which (I think you know by now) is my favorite part of this story -- the mystery.

The second scene was more kind of info-dumping. Overheard conversations are such a good way to manage info-dumps, I know, but try to restrain yourself. Very Happy It also seems to me that her parents would know not to give her nuts. Maybe for some reason they thought her allergies had gone away? I'm not sure. Also, she's eleven -- not six. She'd probably know not to eat nuts, wouldn't she?

And watch out for overuse of exclamation points when things get exciting. Very Happy

Well, that's about it. I'm off to read the grand finale!

As always, PM me if I was unclear about anything.
Hope this helps.
~Azila~

_________________
Want a critique?

"Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot." -Irish proverb. (sounds best if you read it with an Irish brogue)
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