Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

Must Read: No Chat-Speak

Happy Thanksgiving!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}
Secrets of the Unfaithful {3}

by Angel of Death in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on May 12, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
The Jane Effect Part 2
The Jane Effect Part 3
The Jane Effect Part 4
The Jane Effect Part 5
The Jane Effect Part 6
The Jane Effect Part 7
The Jane Effect Part 8
The Jane Effect Part 8.2
The Jane Effect Part 9

The Jane Effect Goto page 1, 2  Next

Topic ID: 30149
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum

407
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 868
Reviews: 407
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1407 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 2:46 am    Post subject: The Jane Effect Reply with quote

The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death

Part 1: Ribbons

Elizabeth sauntered across the lush green fields and twirled in the sun's warm breath. Dawn was coming soon, ready to melt away the frost that lingered on the green elves that lived in her backyard. The sky was painted with blue, playing host to white and gray clouds. It would soon rain, and the beautiful cadences of morning would be lost forever. Elizabeth picked up the hem of her skirt and ran back towards home, hoping she'd make it. Her long, dark hair floated in the wind, blanketing the sky with black. As she ran, her blue ribbon released itself from the knot of her hair. Fear washed over Elizabeth's face; her mother wouldn't approve of her losing her ribbons.

The Greenly family was almost poor, and the only thing that would bring them into high society would be if either Elizabeth or her blue-eyed sister, Maxine, were to marry. Alison Greenly, the most stubborn yet impatient woman whose ever graced Pennington, was always inviting ideal suitors to the house to meet her two "lovely" daughters.

Elizabeth scoffed at the word lovely; she knew she was nothing of that sort. Now her sister, Maxine, was the definition of the word. She was the fair-haired, blue-eyed beauty of the family and all the men in Pennington adored her. Even though Elizabeth was smarter and stronger, no one paid much attention to her when Maxine was around.

As the blue ribbon danced with the wind, Elizabeth ran hopelessly after it. She did not indeed care what anyone else thought of her but making Mrs. Greenly angry was a mistake that would follow her the rest of her days. Elizabeth would always be thought ill of her if she disappointed her. Losing new ribbons would be something she as a well accomplished seventeen year old girl could never atone for.

The ribbon disappeared into the tall grasses, making Elizabeth's hopes fall deep into the depths of her heart. If her ribbons were dirty, her mother would be just as upset as if she'd lost them. Elizabeth fell to her knees and searched through the grass for her ribbons. Minutes passed, and the rain soon began to fall down hard.

It was dark, the clouds now a sullen gray. The rain acted like a veil, separating her from life as it was. Making it home would be nearly impossible now.

Just when Elizabeth decided to give up, a strong hand slipped into hers and pulled her up. Through the rain, she could make out little about the person who pulled her out of the mud.

It was a man; she could tell this by the strong, firm grip that he had. His hair was a rusty bronze, almost the same color as copper. Like the hands of the large trees, his eyes were a deep green. Elizabeth found solace in his angel's lips, and strong brow. He looked to be someone that she could trust, by the way his expression mirrored sincerity. She had never seen many amiable appearing men in Pennington, though they were rumored to all have lived in London. His posture displayed proper breeding, and his countenance was strong.

"May I ask what you're doing out here in such weather?" the man asked, frowning.

"Looking for something," Elizabeth replied, embarrassed by the thought of what she was really doing.

"Well if you could take some time to help me, I'd be much obliged to you, miss," the man said, gripping the reigns of his horse.

"Yes, I'd be happy to assist you, kind sir." Elizabeth said, nodding her head.

"Please, call me William. William Harvey. Now listen, I'm...," the man started, pointing somewhere behind Elizabeth.

A sense of familiarity washed over Elizabeth. This was the man who was coming to see the Greenly family about marrying the said "beautiful" Elizabeth.

"I'm sorry sir, but I've been reminded of a previous engagement. Good day," Eyes widened in horror, Elizabeth curtsied and then took off running back towards her house, hoping to get there before Mr. Harvey took a hint and started following her. He was too good looking for her, Elizabeth decided, as she ran through the grass. He'd take one look at her and say that he'd rather court someone like Maxine. For once, Elizabeth was grateful for the sky's tears.

When Elizabeth reached the wooden gate to her house, she swung it open and ran sloppily up to the porch. With sudden eagerness, Elizabeth wiped her feet on the piece of cloth and thrust open the front door. There, sitting crossed-legged on the couch, was her mother. She was fanning herself with a worn book, staring out the tear stained tear-stained window. Her golden blond hair fell gracefully around her heart-shaped face, matted down by the sweat that trickled down her rosy cheeks. Elizabeth couldn't stop her heart from beating erratically, but she remained calm as her mother's dark blue eyes locked on her face.

"What on earth happened to you, Lizzie darling?" she exclaimed, her eyes bulging out of her head in fright.

"Nothing much, I...," Elizabeth started, flushing a deep red.

"Your hair, its absolutely atrocious. Where is your ribbons? I spent more than enough on them and you turn around and lose them. Wait till Mr. Greenly hears of this. My, if you were Maxine you'd never do such a horrible thing," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, frowning.

"There's no time to fret mother, Mr. Harvey is on his way!" Elizabeth panicked.

"Oh dear God!!" Mrs. Greenly shouted, rising up from her slouch.

Even though they were on their uppers, Alison Greenly managed to hold a household. She picked up her bell and rung it six times, signaling for the maids to come forth.

Lydia and Bertha emerged from the pantry, covered in flour. As Mrs. Greenly laid down the orders, Elizabeth scurried up the steps to the room that she shared with Maxine.

Once in her room, Lizzie found her sister in front of the vanity, brushing her long yellow curls. With hidden envy, Elizabeth stared at Maxine, wishing she could look half as pretty.

"Eliza, you look a mess," Maxine noted, turning to look at her.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, knowing that Maxine would not be the last to comment on her looks if she didn't freshen herself up. With unimaginable haste, Elizabeth ignored her sisters grooming and moved towards the wardrobe their father made them last Christmas.

In one quick swing, she had it open, the dresses exposed to the gray light that peered into their window.

A pink frilly dress happened to be poking out, so Elizabeth pulled it off the rack and laid it across her bed. Then she slipped out of her old dress and threw it in the corner next to countless other dresses that belonged to Maxine.

"What is this about?" Maxine asked, angrily.

"Mr. Harvey, I seen him in the fields. He is coming soon," Elizabeth explained, slipping on the pink dress.

Suddenly, excitement filled Maxine's gait. She soon started helping Elizabeth with her dress and sat her down in the vanity chair.

"Now, we are going to tame these unruly curls, Eliza," Maxine explained, brushing through Elizabeth's long brown hair.

"Nonsense, Max, you know that my hair has always been out of sorts," Elizabeth muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Eliza" was sick of Maxine thinking that she had the answer to everything. She walked around as if she could create beauty on those less fortunate than her. As Maxine tied a new bow in Elizabeth's hair, her eyes filled with fire. For once, she'd like to show her little sister, that she could do things herself.

"You look darling, my dear Eliza. When Mr. Harvey sees...," Maxine started, bracing Elizabeth's shoulders.

Before she could finish, there was a knock at the door. Both Max and Eliza looked up to find Emily, their maid, standing in the doorway.

"Come, Miss Elizabeth, Mr. Harvey is waiting for you. Lady Maxine, you should pray that the angels be on your dear sister's side today," she said, frowning.

"Now, now, Emily, we must not be pessimistic. Our Eliza has had many suitors in the past, she's just never taking a liking to them. I only pray that the angels be with Mr. Harvey. If he can not see that Eliza is an accomplished woman then he may as well be blind. Now run along you two," Maxine replied, kissing Elizabeth on her cheek.

Emily led Elizabeth down the hall, all the while, her gray eyes bore right through Elizabeth's head. After seeing Mr. Harvey, Emily knew that Maxine would make a fine match for him. But Elizabeth, the girl who couldn't seem to hold her tongue around a gentlemen, would not. As Emily followed Elizabeth down the steps, she smiled wryly to herself, knowing that a girl as plain as Elizabeth, would never marry someone like Mr. William James Harvey.


_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me


Last edited by Angel of Death on Thu Nov 27, 2008 12:30 am; edited 11 times in total
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Jesse   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

13
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 08 May 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 13
Country: Where the Sun shines on the day and the moon blooms our love
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ill start off with the compliments. Your imagery is crazy good, I just started reading not to long ago, but this is the best Ive seen yet. That first paragraph just made me smile. This story set me off really quick. I really like the way you Tell something, then show something soon after. Your personification is also incredible.


I cant quite put a face on how old the main character is. At the start, she sounded younger, but then it talks about marrying.


"She was the fair-haired, blue eyed beauty of the family and all the guys around Pennington adored her."
This image totally played up in my mind. But I would write and all OF the guys adored Pennington adored her

Your the writer but i just didn't appreciate the last name Harvey

Wow i guess thats it. Well anyways, PM me when you post more. I love the way you write, and surprisingly this 18th century romance

_________________
View my portfolio and review That Summer please! I'm dieing for a review!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
seshat77   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

9
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Posts: 55
Reviews: 9
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 10:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know it's nitpicky, but it till hopefully help you!
[/quote]her mother would highly disapprove of her losing her ribbons.[quote]
Instead of 'highly dissaprove', use 'wouldn't approve'. When you say highly dissaprove, it sounds like you're trying too hard, and that isn't good, especially in young writers.
Quote:
Making it home would be impossible, especially since the rain acted like a veil,

'The rain acted as a veil, separating her from life as it was. Making home would be near impossible.'
You use 'guy' a lot, I'm under the impression that this takes place in the past, they didn't generally use the word 'guy'. You can, of course, if you want to though.
Quote:
There, sitting crossed leg on the couch, was her mother. She was fanning herself with a worn book, staring out the rain covered window.

it should be 'cross-legged'. Maybe you could say tear-stained window, going back to your 'sky's tears' reference, I think it'd be cute.
Also, in dialogue, you have to put a comma every time before someone says the name of the person that they are talking to.

I really loved this! You have really awesome imagery, it's good in a story like this.

_________________
If life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and scream "I don't want your damn lemons!"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum

407
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 868
Reviews: 407
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1407 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 11:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the help Jesse and Seshat. I really wouldn't have caught on to some of the things that were pointed out.
Thanks again,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
LoveableLittleSock   View This User's Portfolio
There is no guarantee I won't tear it apart...
Novelist

159
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 02 Jan 2008
Posts: 483
Reviews: 159
Country: United States of America
311 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 2:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ai yi yi. The way you described everything was simply breath taking. You wrote so well it was as if I was practically there. You did sometimes go overboard on the details, and you shoved them in our face all at once.

Quote:
Blue painted the sky with clouds of white and gray. It would soon rain, and the beautiful cadences of morning would be lost forever. Elizabeth picked up the hem of her tan skirt and ran back towards home, hoping she'd make it.


I love this paragraph, I really do. It's so descriptive and well written! Shall we pick it apart?

The only thing I don't like is how you worded the first sentence beautifully, and it was about the scenery. "The beautiful cadences of the morning." Scenery. But the thing is sweetheart, thats all the detail we need for this pararaph. "she picked up the hem of her tan skirt"... this is my only problem: the word 'tan.' I beg of you, get rid of it! IT SHOULD DIE!
No, it shouldn't die. But the detail of scenery was so overwhelming that I just, well, you set me off the color tan forever.

I apologize. I'm a freak. NEXT PARAGRAPH!

Quote:
Her long, dark hair floated in the wind, blanketing the sky with black. As she ran, her navy blue ribbon released itself from the knot of her hair. Fear washed over Elizabeth's face, her mother would wouldn't approve of her losing her ribbons.


Okay, let's first point out "her mother would wouldn't approve of her". Get rid of the first would, and you're dandy. And when you describe the ribbon, settle on "navy" or "blue", but not both, alright? They're both the same thing, "her navy ribbon" sounds just as good as "her blue ribbon." Less words pack more punch.

Quote:
There, sitting crossed-legged on the couch, was her mother. She was fanning herself with a worn book, staring out the tear stained window.
"What on earth happened to you Lizzie darling?" she exclaimed, her eyes bulging out of her head in fright.


You spend so much time in the scene before explaining, "Oh, her mother will murder her if her ribbon is the slightest bit tarnished." or whatever you said. Her mother is sitting on the couch and says nothing about the ribbon. If you don't lead your statements with facts, your story will fail to make sense. Do you see?

Quote:
Emily led Elizabeth down the hall, all the while her gray eyes bored right through her. After seeing Mr. Harvey, she knew that Maxine would make a fine match for him. Now, the ole philosopher was getting her chances, but Emily knew that she wouldn't stand a chance. She smiled wryly to herself, knowing that a girl as ugly as Elizabeth would never marry a guy like Mr. William James Harvey.



I'm confused. Who is smiling wryly to themselves? The maid or Eliza? You make Elizabeth sound so pretty in the earlier paragraphs. And er, who is this philospher? Are you referring back to some saying or something? Or is emily (which I highly doubt) a philospher! I know I said less words pack more punch, but sometimes you have to elaborate a tad on things like these. Try not to use "he" and "she" unless you are sure the reader knows exactly who you're referring to.

I liked it, and I can't wait for more! You writing is absoloutely amazing, and the story is great. I can't wait for Part 2.

_________________
Writing is far from just a hobby. It's a passion.

Need an utterly fabulous Critique that's absolutely free?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
TNCowgirl   View This User's Portfolio
Princess of Storybooks and Queen of DTWH!!
Writer of Legend

99
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 5764
Reviews: 99
Country: USA
2254 Points

PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 11:54 pm    Post subject: Re: The Jane Effect Reply with quote

It was good. I'll go on and read more.

But there wasn't anything I could see that needed to be fixed that isn't mentioned. There is a whole lot of describing though.


TNC

_________________
Christ Paris: A guy the world gave up on. The plane he was flying disappeared Nov. 1 of this year. A few days ago the searchers gave up the search. May he prove everyone wrong and still be alive.
Vist my world and make it bigger!
Want a Readers crit???
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Leahweird   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

20
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 25 Apr 2008
Posts: 108
Reviews: 20
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
It would soon rain, and the beautiful cadences of morning would be lost forever.

I love this line. Particulaly the word Cadences.

Quote:
Elizabeth picked up the hem of her skirt and ran back towards home, hoping she'd make it.

You used something like this in Cupid, it's nice, but tyou might ant to watch out for it.

Her mother seems reaally over-zealous about the ribbons, but that might be just her character.

Quote:
Her long, dark hair floated in the wind, blanketing the sky with black.

I Love this line. Amazing metaphor.

Quote:
her blue-eyed sister

This line really sums up how Elizabeth feels about her sister.

Quote:
Where is your ribbons?

This is probably a typo.

Quote:
would never marry a guy like Mr. William James Harvey.

I don't like the word "Guy" here, a different one would fit the peice better.

Overall, I really liked this. especially think your use of imagry is stunning. The others are right. I also really enjoyed the dynamic between the sisters. They seem real. Ther's nothing going on there but a bit of normal jealosy. Well done.

_________________
http://dragonantiquity.proboards85.com/

http://darkangelazriel.proboards82.com/index.cgi
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Iamjustbored   View This User's Portfolio
Novice


Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 18
Joined: 14 May 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 3
Country: United States
300 Points

PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have a noticeable theme of Superiority. I would like to this the story develop. Perhaps Elizabeth's inferiority to her sister and her passiveness toward her mother indicates some sort of early trauma, abuse maybe.

I would avoid the cliche of 'Prince Charming' falling in love with her--they are both flawed but love each other for their flaws. That topic is overdone.

Personally, I would like to see a relationship between the mother and Elizabeth grow rather than have a third party act as a hero.

As long as you avoid the 'Prince Charming' theme I would enjoy reading this novel.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum

407
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 868
Reviews: 407
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1407 Points

PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 1:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Iamjustbored you should be very happy to know that "Prince Charming" to me is played out. In this story I really want to capture the essence of the hardships of love and especially lost.
Also, Elizabeth's relationship with her mother will be cleared up later on. Thanks for giving me pointers, I'm basically writing this story off the top of my head, so a lot of critiquing will be helpful.

Leahweird, it is so nice to know that my portrait of two different sisters was taken well. I am an only child and I have no clue on what it feels like to envy another sibling.

Thanks everyone for the help,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Demeter   View This User's Portfolio
Goody-two-shoes
Master of the Forum

292
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 02 May 2008
Posts: 1062
Reviews: 292
Country: Finland – the noble land of polar bears and Santa Claus
3579 Points

PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Looks like someone is inspired by Jane Austen... Wink The title and Elizabeth... I suppose this takes place in the same time as Austen's (or that's how I felt) so I don't quite like the names Maxine and Alison. They don't fit in. But I know you can't change the names of the characters that easily, it's like ripping off their souls or something... Smile

Overall, pretty nice job here. The others have pretty much said it all.

See you around!
Demeter

_________________
While you were reading my signature, I took your wallet.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
silently loud   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer


Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 16 May 2008
Posts: 20
Reviews: 0
Country: Philuhpines
300 Points

PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 3:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. I love the story. And yes, there isn't anything that the others didn't say already. Keep it up. Wink
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

462
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Angel of Death,

I’ll start out by saying that the text would be easier to read if it were spaced. Of course, that never stopped anyone if the story was interesting, but still… Anyway. I’ll start out by a line-by-line crit, and then move on toward any comments and impressions that I might have.


Quote:
Fear washed over Elizabeth's face, her mother wouldn't approve of her losing her ribbons.

Run on sentence, lack of a linking word. Italics needed?


Quote:
Alison Greenly, the most stubborn yet impatient woman on the face of the earth,

Heh.


Quote:
Elizabeth scoffed at the word lovely, she knew she was nothing of that sort.
“Lovely”, now, would need to be in italics, or in quotes.
[b]

Quote:
She was the fair-haired, blue eyed beauty of the family and all the guys around Pennington adored her

“Guys” just does not fit. “Men”, perhaps?


Quote:
She did not indeed care what anyone else thought of her but she did not like making her mother angry.

“She indeed did not care (…)”


Quote:
Losing her new ribbons would be something she as a well accomplished seventeen year old girl could not atone for.

“Her:, “her“, and “her” again. Consider: “Losing new ribbons would be (…)”


Quote:
Without much thinking, Elizabeth fell to her knees and searched through the grass for her ribbons.

“Ribbons”, “ribbons”. Consider avoiding the word up there.


Quote:
"Well if you could take some time to help me, I'd be much obliged to you, miss," the guy said,

I cringe at that word in this story, I really do.

Quote:
"Yes, I'd be happy to assist you, kind sir." Elizabeth said, nodding her head.

Comma.


Quote:
Now listen, I'm...," the man started,

No comma! A plain ellipse would do.


Quote:
For once, Elizabeth was grateful for the sky's tears.

Nice.


Quote:
"What on earth happened to you Lizzie darling?"

Commas.


Quote:
"Nothing much, I...,"

No comma!


Quote:
"Your hair, its absolutely atrocious.

Hyphen? And apostrophe.


Quote:
My, if you were Maxine she'd never do such a horrible thing," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, frowning.

“My, if you were Maxine YOU’D never do such a horrible thing," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, frowning.”


Quote:
"There's no time to fret mother, Mr. Harvey is on his way!" Elizabeth panicked.

Comma before mother.


Quote:
Elizabeth rolled her eyes, knowing that Maxine would not be the last to comment on her looks if she didn't freshen herself up

Good one.


Quote:
Even though they were almost poor, Alison Greenly managed to hold a household.

Phrase already used, at the very beginning.


Quote:
"Eliza" was sick of Maxine thinking that she had the answer to everything

“to be sick of” also does not strike me as a phrase used by a lady, or a narrative from more or less that lady’s POV.


Quote:
"You look darling, my dear Eliza. When Mr. Harvey sees...,"

No comma!


Quote:
As Emily followed Elizabeth down the steps, she smiled wryly to herself, knowing that a girl as ugly as Elizabeth, would never marry a guy like Mr. William James Harvey.

*cringes* The horror of the word “guy”. No last comma.



CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

- yes, I’ll start out with the spacing, even though that’s covered. Nitpicky, I am.

- paragraphs, and visuals. It’s the content that is important, aye, not the package? Wrong, at least up to a point. Refer to the above point, but it can put off. However, refer only slightly, because here I wanted to emphasize the paragraphs, ones that could be (some!) merged into one. An example of that can be seen at the very beginning (paragraph 1 and paragraph 2).

- repetitions. Play around with the sentences, juggle the words. Eventually an option that does not include the unneeded word shall appear.

- I’d also like to see more descriptions. At the beginning there was a lot, and I was quite happy with that, but then the flow of visuals decreased. An example of a scene I’d like to see elaborated is the intro of the mother.

- punctuation, slightly. But only slightly.

- the rush. Refer to descriptions, which would slow the action down. An example would be the scene just after the mother’s intro, with “Mr Harvey coming”. That was way too fast.



LOVELY!

- title - it’s fantastic, and caught my eye.

- vocabulary, and some fantastic phrases, e.g. “sky’s tears”

- pretty character names.

- the characters themselves. Emily is my new best friend.


Well, that would be it. Thank you for posting,
Esme

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum

407
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 868
Reviews: 407
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1407 Points

PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 8:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks so much for finding the mistakes that I probably would have never ever found Esme. It'll take me some time to come back to fix this but I'll get on it soon.
Thanks again,
Angel Very Happy Very Happy

_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
You belong with me
Master of the Forum

692
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1208
Reviews: 692
Country: some place that I can only dream about
895 Points

PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 11:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Howdy Angel! Very Happy

I have been seeing this for awhile and have finally decided to check it out.

All Comments in bold, corrections in red.


The Jane Effect

By Angel of Death


Part 1: Ribbons


Elizabeth sauntered across the lush green fields and twirled in the sun's warm breath. Dawn was coming soon, ready to melt away the frost that lingered on the green elves that lived in her backyard. Blue painted the sky with clouds of white and gray. I'm not sure what about this sentence bugged me but every time I read this chapter, my eyes would linger on that sentence. I think because you say: "Blue painted the sky" as if Blue is a person probably is the culprit behind this. Maybe just try to reword here. It would soon rain, and the beautiful cadences of morning would be lost forever. Elizabeth picked up the hem of her skirt and ran back towards home, hoping she'd make it. Her long, dark hair floated in the wind, blanketing the sky with black. As she ran, her blue ribbon released itself from the knot of her hair. Fear washed over Elizabeth's face, Should be a semicolon after "face" instead of a comma her mother wouldn't approve of her losing her ribbons.

The Greenly family was almost poor, and the only thing that would bring them into high society would be if either Elizabeth or her blue-eyed sister, Maxine, were to marry. Alison Greenly, the most stubborn yet impatient woman on the face of the earth All right, as by the title, I'm guessing this is set in Austen's time. Well, this statement is more modern so try to think of something different like: ...impatient woman in the whole of society or ...woman of all who ever graced the earth. or something like that. Try to incorporate that this is the time, yet you can't have modern sayings, you know?, was always inviting ideal suitors to the house to meet her two "lovely" daughters.

Elizabeth scoffed at the word lovely, Should be a semicolon instead of a period after "lovely" she knew she was nothing of that sort. Now her sister, Maxine, was the definition of the word. She was the fair-haired, blue eyed blue-eyed beauty of the family and all the men in Pennington adored her. Even though Elizabeth was smarter and stronger, no one paid much attention to her when Maxine was around.

As the blue ribbon danced with the wind, Elizabeth ran hopelessly after it. She did not indeed care what anyone else thought of her but she did not like making her mother angry. This last sentence is oddly worded. Something about the two "did not"'s just doesn't sit well here...Just read through it and maybe something smoother will come to mind. Her mother would always think ill of her if she disappointed her. Losing her new ribbons would be something she as a well accomplished seventeen year old girl could not atone for.

The ribbon disappeared into the tall grasses, making Elizabeth's hopes fall deep into the depths of her heart. If her ribbons were dirty, her mother would be just as upset as if she'd lost them.

Without much thinking "Without much thinking". That's odd. I'm not used to this type of talk so just ignore me if this is right Wink , Elizabeth fell to her knees and searched through the grass for her ribbons. Minutes passed, and the rain soon began to fall down hard.

It was dark, the clouds now a sullen gray. The rain acted like a veil, separating her from life as it was. Making it home would be nearly impossible now.

Just when Elizabeth decided to give up, a strong hand slipped into hers and pulled her up. Through the rain, she could make out little about the person who pulled her out of the mud.

It was a man, Semicolon instead of period after "man" she could tell this by the strong, firm grip that he had. His hair was a rusty bronze, almost the same color as copper. Like the hands of the large elves, his eyes were a deep green. How does his eyes relate to an elf's hands?? I'm slighlty confused here...do you mean "evles eyes"? He was quite handsome. Yes, he seems handsome but I would elaborate even more on this. What makes him handsome besides these things you already pointed out? Also, don't come right out and say he's handsome. Give us more than that Wink

"May I ask what you're doing out here in such weather?" the man asked, frowning.

"Looking for something," Elizabeth replied, embarrassed by the thought of what she was really doing.

"Well if you could take some time to help me, I'd be much obliged to you, miss," the man said, gripping the reigns of his horse.

"Yes, I'd be happy to assist you, kind sir." Elizabeth said, nodding her head.

"Please, call me William. William Harvey. Now listen, I'm...," the man started, pointing somewhere behind Elizabeth.

A sense of familiarity washed over Elizabeth. This was the man who was coming to see the Greenly family about marrying the said "beautiful" Elizabeth. Eyes widened in horror, Elizabeth curtsied and then took off running back towards her house, hoping to get there before Mr. Harvey took a hint and started following her.

He was too good looking for her, Elizabeth decided, as she ran through the grass. He'd take one look at her and say that he'd rather court someone like Maxine. For once, Elizabeth was grateful for the sky's tears.

When Elizabeth reached the wooden gate to her house, she swung it open and ran sloppily up to the porch. With sudden eagerness, Elizabeth wiped her feet on the piece of cloth and thrust open the front door. There, sitting crossed-legged on the couch, was her mother. She was fanning herself with a worn book, staring out the tear stained tear-stained window. Her golden blond hair fell gracefully around her heart-shaped face, matted down by the sweat that trickled down her rosy cheeks. Elizabeth couldn't stop her heart from beating erratically, but she remained calm as her mother's dark blue eyes locked on her face.

"What on earth happened to you comma Lizzie darling?" she exclaimed, her eyes bulging out of her head in fright.

"Nothing much, I...," Elizabeth started, flushing a deep red.

"Your hair, its absolutely atrocious. Where is your ribbons? I spent more than enough on them and you turn around and lose them. Wait till Mr. Greenly hears of this. My, if you were Maxine you'd never do such a horrible thing," Mrs. Greenly interrupted, frowning.

"There's no time to fret mother, Mr. Harvey is on his way!" Elizabeth panicked.

"Oh dear God!!" Mrs. Greenly shouted, rising up from her slouch.

Even though they were almost poor I don't like the "almost poor" thing. Try something more dramatic. It seems too...odd for this kind of text. , Alison Greenly managed to hold a household. She picked up her bell and rung it six times, signaling for the maids to come forth.

Lydia and Bertha emerged from the pantry, covered in flour. As Mrs. Greenly laid down the orders, Elizabeth scurried up the steps to the room that she shared with Maxine.

Once in her room, Lizzie found her sister in front of the vanity, brushing her long yellow curls. With hidden envy, Elizabeth stared at Maxine, wishing she could look half as pretty.

"Eliza, you look a mess," Maxine noted, turning to look at her.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, knowing that Maxine would not be the last to comment on her looks if she didn't freshen herself up. With unimaginable haste, Elizabeth ignored her sisters grooming and moved towards the wardrobe their father made them last Christmas.

In one quick swing, she had it open, the dresses exposed to the gray light that peered into their window.

A pink frilly dress happened to be poking out, so Elizabeth pulled it off the rack and laid it across her bed. Then she slipped out of her old dress and threw it in the corner next to countless other dresses that belonged to Maxine.

"What is this about?" Maxine asked, angrily.

"Mr. Harvey, I seen him in the fields. He is coming soon," Elizabeth explained, slipping on the pink dress.

Suddenly, excitement filled Maxine's gait. She soon started helping Elizabeth with her dress and sat her down in the vanity chair.

"Now, we are going to tame these unruly curls, Eliza," Maxine explained, brushing through Elizabeth's long brown hair.

"Nonsense, Max, you know that my hair has always been out of sorts," Elizabeth muttered, rolling her eyes.

"Eliza" was sick of Maxine thinking that she had the answer to everything. She walked around as if she could create beauty on those less fortunate than her. As Maxine tied a new bow in Elizabeth's hair, her eyes filled with fire. For once, she'd like to show her little sister, that she could do things herself.

"You look darling, my dear Eliza. When Mr. Harvey sees...," Maxine started, bracing Elizabeth's shoulders.

Before she could finish, there was a knock at the door. Both Max and Eliza looked up to find, No need for the comma after "find" Emily, their maid, standing in the doorway.

"Come, Miss Elizabeth, Mr. Harvey is waiting for you. Lady Maxine, you should pray that the angels be on your dear sister's side today," she said, frowning.

"Now, now, Emily, we must not be pessimistic. Our Eliza has had many suitors in the past, she's just never taking a liking to them. I only pray that the angels be with Mr. Harvey. If he can not see that Eliza is an accomplished woman then he may as well be blind. Now run along you two," Maxine replied, kissing Elizabeth on her cheek.

Emily led Elizabeth down the hall, all the while, her gray eyes bore right through Elizabeth's head. After seeing Mr. Harvey, Emily knew that Maxine would make a fine match for him. But Elizabeth, the girl who couldn't seem to hold her tongue around a gentlemen, would not. As Emily followed Elizabeth down the steps, she smiled wryly to herself, knowing that a girl as plain as Elizabeth, would never marry someone like Mr. William James Harvey.

This is actually a really adorable start. Your descriptions are 'mazing, Angel! Very Happy I loved every bit of it!

The only thing is that the sudden drastic switch when she first met Mr. Harvey. Wouldn't she be more of a lady and excuse herself polietly. Or is Elizabeth more of a rebel?

I guess I will just have to read the other installments and find out, now won't it? lol

_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
Nano '08 Winner
Speaker of the Forum

407
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 868
Reviews: 407
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1407 Points

PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks to ashleylee, it is edited and some things are different. Enjoy and thanks Ash!

~Angel

_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on May 12, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction All times are GMT
Goto page 1, 2  Next
Page 1 of 2

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on May 12, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first. - Mark Twain
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society