Topic ID: 30130
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Kalliope
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 Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: Happy Birthday |
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Okay, the edits are finally made. If you want to take a look at the original version, open the spoiler at the bottom.
Happy Birthday
The candles burn for you,
make a wish, make it dark.
The flames will die soon anyway,
resolve to smoke filling the air,
tainting my blood and settling
on the burnt strings of my heart.
They are singing songs for you,
making toasts to your years to come.
You smile, dreaming of the future,
not turning once, to glance at me,
to face the harm you've done.
But anyway,
Happy Birthday.
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
Happy Birthday
The candles are lit for you,
make a wish, make it dark.
The flames will die soon anyway,
turn to ashes, join their brothers
in my heart.
They are singing songs for you,
making toasts to your years to come.
You smile, dreaming of the future,
not turning once, to glance at me,
to face the harm you've done.
But anyway.
Happy Birthday.
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Last edited by Kalliope on Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:09 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Muteman
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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Nice, sarcasm in poetry, if I'm reading it right.
Just on the general outline of the poem, I would mix the stanzas more, as it's two even ones at the moment. Should make it more un even, unless your doing a rhythm, I can't detect any specific beat, but I'm no expert. And alot of the line ends have puncuation, which isn't really a bad thing, but I personally like to use ends after a powerful part, kinda to say "hey reader, take a breather and get ready for this rollercoasting to go downhill".
On the actual meat of the poem, wasn't too shabby. I liked the first stanza more than the second. I liked the "make a wish, make it dark", takes a second to think, is she saying make it dark in the room, or a terrible wish? Although a nice image, I didn't like the ashes joining brother in your heart part. Nice imagery, but heart is a word used to much in poetry, I think anyway. And the symbolism is a bit hard to grasp because of a distinct vagueness in the poem. I would use more exacts. I personally like to try and name specifics, just to make the reader settled. Then I can punch them in the face or something. |
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OverEasy
I are cute O.O
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 12:18 am Post subject: |
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I like the first stanza except the very last line, it just seemed thrown in and didn't flow well with the rest of the verse. I do have to say I love that you took something as minimal as a birthday party and blowing out the candles and turned it around to make it interesting. It's different from anything I've read here or anywhere else for that matter.
The only like that jumped out at me as just "not right" was the last line of the first stanza  |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 6:44 am Post subject: |
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Wow, a very wonderful uniqueness in this. I thought this would be some cheerful poem, but you instead made it chilling even mortifying. This has so many undertones. I wish to know more. I really do. I missed the darkness to begin in first stanza, but it's so very dark. Sardonic.
Overall: Two things, this earns a star and please, please, please, write story explaining this!
Good luck
VSN |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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Happy Birthday! I really liked this poem! I liked how you used personification for the flames. It really put yourself in the birthay person's shoes. This poem was very creative. It was so good that I want to sing!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to Kalliope!
Happy Birthday to you!
Such a simple song and it means so much. Anyway, keep writing! |
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kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there, Kalli. Sorry it took me so long to get to this...
Happy Birthday [The first thing that needs to be considered is your title. I like how misleading it is but it's too generic and not the sort of title that will catch a reader's eye. I'd suggest something like 'Birthday wishes' just so that it's a little less ordinary.]
The candles are lit for you,
make a wish, make it dark.
The flames will die soon anyway,
turn to ashes, join their brothers
in my heart. [The first stanza is okay and I love the ambiguity of the second line but I think your imagery and originality could be stronger. I'd suggest changing that first line to something like 'The candles burn for you' so that it has a slightly darker feel and the personification would be a nice touch. Then if you could maybe expand on the darkness theme, that would be really good. The second half of this stanza is a little too simple and I'd suggest concentrating more on the fact that the flames will die. What comes to mind when you see a candle melting or being blown out? Here's a suggestion to get your mind working:
'The flames will die soon anyway,
consumed by their desire to please you.
I breathe their smoke, inhale it,
allow it to mingle with the
cancer in my lungs.'
They are singing songs for you, [color=red][Only I suppose that this stanza wouldn't make sense without the ashes imagery...]
making toasts to your years to come.
You smile, dreaming of the future,
not turning once, to glance at me,
to face the harm you've done. [I like the second half of this stanza, it has a lovely sadistic feel to it.]
But anyway.
Happy Birthday. [The ending is perfect, it fits really snugly with the tone of the poem.]
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Overall, I liked this and I think it just needs a little tweaking in places. It's a touch simple but the theme is very original and it's great how you've managed to create the dark, sarcastic tone of the persona. Good work! And I hope this helps a little xx |
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Eimear
Has Electricity
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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Surprisingly good. I new I was onto something good when I read the first line:
The candles are lit for you,
make a wish, make it dark.
Your imagery to display dissapointment and hope for the future is really quite unique. I love the idea of 'flames dying away to join their brothers'. Great. It's obvious you tokk real time and commitment with it.
Some things I noticed-
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| But anyway. Shouldn't there be a comma here? |
You need a better ending. It's bringing a well written piece down.
Other than that, good! Nicely sarcasitic and darkly bittersweet.
Hope and Best wishes,
Eimear |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Sun May 18, 2008 8:04 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for the wonderfully helpful reviews everyone! I shall definetly redo the second part of the first stanza. You've given me sone real brainwaves, Heather (Thanks a ton!) and maybe I shall manage to be a bit more specific as Muteman suggested. I shall post the edited version if it's turns out to be any good. Thank you for all the feed back, more is greatly welcomed, of course.
~Kalliope |
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