Topic ID: 30113
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KJ
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 Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: Needles and Roses - Chap. 5 |
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This is actually one of my favorite chapters because, in my opinion, it's when things begin to get more exciting. There's a huge twist of plot that anyone who's read this loves. So I hope you like it.
Oh, and I put 2 copies of 5 in this one file. One of regular manuscript formatting, and the other, one page below it, is "special" formatting for picky people (JFW  ) SO that's why the file is so large - there's 2 copies of the one chapter in it. |
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kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 12:45 pm Post subject: |
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This was good. I can't say that the plot 'twist' was completely unexpected as it wasn't but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I'd like to see a deeper, more gruesome description of the red-haired girl and the other vampire. Afterall, that's the essential pivot of this chapter and you need your reader to feel Rachel's pain and her fear. Other tan that though, it was really good. The plot was believable in a weird, sureal way and the characters are really well defined.
Your historical is, however, still lacking in places. Describe these alleys, are they dark and flithy? Are the buildings on either side tall? Do washing lines stretch across building to building with ragged garments hanging from them, only the type of clothes no one would want to steal. How does the blood look on the cobbles -- I assume it's cobbled? -- and is it dark or is the scene washed in moonlight?
Keep up the good work, specific comments sent by pm as usual,
Heather xx |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: |
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KJ,
So I finally reached the point where I'll have to wait for the next installments with the rest. I can't say I'm to happy about it, really. And yes, what I am writing right now - this - is pointless, but I do want this to be counted as a review, heh. But, my critique: |
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JFW1415
AKA Future Mrs. Bear or Jellybean (Jelly)
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| Posted: Sun May 25, 2008 3:14 pm Post subject: |
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Before I Critique
Hey KJ! I’m so sorry I took so long. To make up for it, I’ll just skip the rambles and send this in.
Also, the comments were being stupid, so I just added comments in the middle of sentences/paragraphs.
After I Critique
Again, I’m in love with your story.
Two things I noticed throughout the whole piece:
- You didn’t have much description. You really need to use all the senses, let me feel like I’m there. (At the end you don’t need to, though, since she’s too preoccupied with the pain.)
- She rants – a lot. The paragraphs are all getting really wordy, and it’s a bit boring.
Also, introduce the vampire slowly. When it grabbed her, I started believing it. But from when I saw it to that part, I was bored, and upset that you just ruined a perfectly good book with vampires.
That’s it. (I hate this – you never need many critiques!) The ending was great, but the rest really need work. It’s not your best.
Good luck, and happy editing!
~JFW1415
(Everything else is in the attachment. There actually aren't as many comments as usual this time, since you really just need to work on showing and taking away the rants.  ) |
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