Topic ID: 30079
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Muteman
Junior Writer
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Country: United States
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 Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: Steve the Goldfish |
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Steve the Goldfish
B.D.M.
Praise fish tanks, giving a nice visual way
of forgetting him, (also praised)
dying in the other room. Praise the fish inside. Trapped
in glass, a prison of coral, weeds, distorted
otherworldly companions. Being well fed, dying
on a bed of lies, disguised as rocks,
like dancers at the masquerade we’re all apart
of. Praise that.
Still though, how long until they realize their world is but a corner
of Everything?
He once said, “ignorance is bliss”.
I would believe him if he wasn’t so dead.
~
B.D.M. are initials, and yeah, do you guy's thing. |
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Mad
Novelist
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Country: Petersfield, England
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 9:29 am Post subject: |
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The way that you have punctuated the piece is effective. Taking your first stanza:
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Praise fish tanks, giving a nice visual way
of forgetting him, (also praised)
dying in the other room. Praise the fish inside. Trapped
in glass, a prison of coral, weeds, distorted |
The middle sentence, "Praise the fish inside", works really well and the repetition of "praise" in the poem has a ironic aptness - especially the "Praise that" in the next stanza.
Finally the line break at the end of that stanza works well, it's in itself a distortion of the structure and the reading of the poem, paired with the word, "distorted".
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otherworldly companions. Being well fed, dying
on a bed of lies, disguised as rocks,
like dancers at the masquerade we’re all apart
of. Praise that.
Still though, how long until they realize their world is but a corner
of Everything? |
Not sure how keen I am on the lies as a bed of rocks and the way it links up to the simile of dancers at the masquerade. The lies as a bed of rocks - I suppose what I dislike about it is the use of "lies", maybe something unique to me or something others could relate to as well but I feel "lies" is something somewhat overused poetically, or just to heavy-handed at times. "Untruths", "falsity/falseness" appeal to me more. This may be wholly subjective.
I very much like the "corner/ of Everything". Everything with a capital E is nicely far reaching.
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He once said, “ignorance is bliss”.
I would believe him if he wasn’t so dead. |
Great sardonic ending - In a way I would probably not be too happy with the use of ignorance is bliss, but its a well chosen ending that is well suited to the entirety of the poem. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
Epic Novelist
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Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines.
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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Um... whoa... I'm pretty sure this isn't some happy ditty from what I read, but really the meaning just went *whoosh* right over me head. I'm guessing the fish represents said person, but can't figure out what happened. It's obviously to do with death. And seems quite mad. But really I'm lost, it's too above me I guess.
Overall: Mind telling me the meaning, I feel a kinda idiot for missing it.
Good luck
VSN |
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We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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Muteman
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 11 May 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 14
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the criticism. I'm having some issues with the whole "bed of lies" part. I'm going to play with it a bit. And thanks for the positive review also.
To uncover the meaning:
It's basically about how I went to see my cousins who was dying of leukemia when I was a kid. And I was only 6 or 7, so I wasn't that interested, didn't know my cousin very well. But looking back, he was a great guy. So I found the fishtank as a parallel to show that there's something beyond him dying, although we don't know, it's okay, and we should be cool with it. He tried to convey that by saying ignorance of what comes after death, is bliss. But in the end, why would I believe a guy if he was dead? The last line is pretty obvliously sarcastic now, but as a in-experienced kid, it made sense. |
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