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How The World Burns
How The World Burns

by Kylan in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on May 10, 2008
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Magic of the Four Elements~prologue
Magic of the Four Elements~ Chapter 1
Magic of the Four Elements-Chapter 3 (Part one)
Magic of the Four Elements~chapter 3 (part two)
Magic of the Four Elements~Chapter 4 (part one)

Magic of the Four Elements~chapter 2
Topic ID: 30049
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C.J. Mustang   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun May 11, 2008 3:30 am    Post subject: Magic of the Four Elements~chapter 2 Reply with quote

Chapter 2

At the end of the day, Alexandra waited obediently in front of the stables as the sun was just barely setting. Lady Beth kept her word; she came just as she said she would, only, she brought a young man with her. Alexandra could only guess that Lady Beth's guest was Prince Makani, and she was right. She curtsied when they came up to her, and avoided looking at Makani. He wore the servant's clothes she first saw him in, and Lady Beth came in commoner's clothes.

“Good evening,” he said, bowing.

“Good evening.” Alexandra mumbled, looking down.

“Now, now, let’s not sit here babbling all day. Come. Alexandra, lead the way, if you please.”

The party of three left the castle grounds through the gate that led directly to the city. The street was crowded with people and was loud.

"So, uh, where exactly do you live?" asked Makani, clearly trying to break the tension between him and Alexandra. He had to talk close to her ear for her to hear what he was saying and still keep the conversation private.

"Outside of the cities, near the woods," she yelled over the noise bluntly, keeping her gaze off of him. She kept her hands folded in front of her. Though clammy, they stayed together tightly. The Prince! I still can't believe that he was the one who had to save me. Why couldn't it have been Ed, or some other servant who had passed by? He was walking so close to her that she could smell his cologne again.

"Interesting," he said in her ear again. "So, is it nice and peaceful there?"

"Yes, sir." Why'd it have to be him? Oh, why did it have to be him?!He's nice and all, but he's the son of the King! I have no idea how to act around him! She swallowed, hoping her mouth would become less dry.

Makani nodded in response. Thinking that he wouldn't get anything else out of her, he turned to Beth. "Are the hounds doing okay?" he asked, putting his head down close to hers. "I heard they tracked down a fox better than the Duke of Cantrill's."

Alexandra heard their conversation, and she couldn't help but look at Makani now. "You have dogs?"

Makani looked at her in surprise. "Yes, Miss. We have about twenty kennelled near my room. You actually didn't know we had hounds? I thought you worked in the castle?"

"Yes, in the castle, not outside of it. They only let certain servants go certain places. Have you ever seen any women servants down in the mens' corridor?"

"No, I haven't. I see. Yes, well, we have twenty dogs, ten male and ten female. We keep them seperated by gender. They're the highest class of hounds in all of the kingdoms. I'll let you meet them sometime."

"Okay," said Alexandra excitedly, completely forgetting about her nervousness. She smiled the rest of the way to her house.

Once they got to Alexandras', Makani looked at the house. It had two-stories, with a garden surrounded by a wooden fence. A bit further off stood Centaur Woods.

An odd place to build a house, thought Makani.

Alexandra went up to the door and knocked. “I’m home!” she said as she entered. “I brought—”

“Alima and her charge! How nice to see you again, love! It’s been too long!” exclaimed Suoh as he ran down the stairs and out the door to meet her. Suoh had short brown hair that was tinted with blue and blue eyes. He was taller than any of them, and was well built with strong muscles and was as skinny as ever.

“Now, Suoh, don’t think I’m not angry with you about all of this—” Alima started as Suoh grabbed her by the waist and twirled her around in the air. He let her fall into his arms. She glared at him the entire time.

“Wait, Suoh, that’s not her name…” said Alexandra.

“Oh, yes it is. Tell her, love.”

Alima looked at Alexandra as she roughly pushed away from Suoh. “Yes, it’s true, Alima is my name. I just made up a different name so Hec—”

Suoh quickly covered her mouth as he set her down before she could say any more. “Shush, now, love. We’ll talk about it after we get inside,” he said as he put Alima down.

They filed into the house, with Suoh at the back to close the door. Once it was closed, Alima turned sharply around to face Suoh and took two powerful strides towards him, with wind blowing forcefully away from her feet, unsettling dust and herbs that had fallen on the floor. She glared up at him and stood erect, with her fists clenched. Her eyes flashed and smoke billowed out of her clenched teeth, along with a little bit of flames.

“Makani, Alexandra, cover your ears, quickly. She has a nasty mouth—” Suoh started.

Alima pointed a finger at Suoh. “Oh, this isn’t about me, not by a long shot. What the hell were you thinking, sending her to work in the castle? You know damn well what our orders were, you son of a—”

"We'll be at the shop!" Alexandra rushed out of her mouth and ran out of the house, Makani in tow.

“Wow,” said Makani. “I didn’t even know she had such a foul mouth.”

“Yeah? Just wait ‘til you hear Sara. I’m sure they’ll get along just fine.”

Alexandra smiled and started to laugh. She walked next to Makani, not nervous about standing next to the Kings' son.

After a little bit, they turned off Palm Street, a quiet little dirt road with small houses on it, turned onto Pennywhistle Street, more of a cobblestone road with more houses, and made their way towards Beaker Avenue a bit busier with more shops than houses.

Makani moved farther away from the church as he saw all of the graves by and behind it. He looked away. “I never realized that there were so many deaths in this city.”

“Yeah, well, this year’s a record. One whole family has died because of Steelbacks—a mother, father, their three children, their two grandparents, and their aunt—and another five families because of the plague that’s been going around. And that’s just for these past three months. I would be trying to prevent anything else from happening, but I can’t do anything about them. Suoh and Cadmus won’t let me. They say that I’ll be able to when the time comes. Although, I have no idea when.”

“So, who is Cadmus, anyways? What kind of shop does Cadmus have?”

“Oh, Cadmus is the gaurdian of Sara. She lives in the house with me and Suoh. He has an herb shop. He sells herbs for the sick, for women in labor, for the superstitious…pretty much for anybody. You know the garden in the front? That’s Cadmus’s and Sara's. Sara helps Cadmus in his shop, and she even gets paid.”

The lanterns on the side of the street were being lit while the sun was setting. The sky was a pinkish-orangish color, and the clouds were thinning. They turned on to Four Square and saw a hanging sign off of a building that said 'Cadmus’s Herb Shop' with an olive branch engraved and painted on it, though the paint was wearing off. The crowd of people was thin, considering it was so close to Nightmarket. They could smell the exotic foods from the different stands They opened the door to the shop and saw Sara serving a customer. Sara was about as tall as Alexandra, and had brunette hair with blonde streaks in them, and she was practically as skinny as a stick. The man, on the other hand, had brown hair, and was tall and thin. Alexandra guessed he was about 5’ 11”.

“That’s seven coppers, please. If you tear them up in your drink before you go to bed, you’ll feel much better in the morning. Thank you for coming. Have a good night, now. Come back soon.”

“Thank you, I’m sure you’ll be expecting me very soon,” said the man. He turned around and caught Alexandras’ eye. He smiled at her as he walked towards the door. As he passed Alexandra, they brushed each other’s arms. She gasped and saw a bright light as her eyes glazed over.

As her vision cleared, Alexandra saw herself walking deeper and deeper into Centaur Woods. It was getting dark, but she wanted to find where the noise she had heard earlier came from. She heard something from the tops of the pine trees and looked up. In the faint moonlight she saw a winged figure descending towards her fast, but couldn’t see it clearly. She knew it wanted to do her harm, so she screamed.

“Yes!” it screeched. “Make that wonderful sound, that way it will be more of a pleasure eating you!”

She could smell its rancid, foul breath filling her nose full of the scent of raw flesh and blood. A glint caught the corner of her right eye as flames shot towards the Steelback. The brightness shone on its steel scales and feathers. She could see its twisted face fill with fear as it gave its last bloodcurdling scream and jumped out of the way as its limp body fell to the ground with a thud.

There was a bright light again as Alexandra came back to the present. Everybody was staring at her as her eyes unglazed. She blushed. She hated being the center of attention when it came to getting her visions in public.

Thankfully that was very rare.

“Are you okay?” asked the man. “You look a bit pale.”

Alexandra nodded and lowered her eyes as Sara came around the counter towards her. She could still picture the Steelback's horrid face before it was… She shuddered as a shiver went up her spine.

“Yes, she’s fine. She just…she’s been having these horrible dreams and she is unable to forget them. They’ve been haunting her for weeks,” Sara lied.

“Mmmm. Well, I hope they go away. Good night.” With that, the man turned and went out the door.

“Cadmus!” Sara called to the storeroom in the back, “Alexandra's here with…what’s your name?” asked Sara.

“Oh, uh, Makani, Miss.”

“Hmmm…Makani, eh?” said Cadmus as he came out of the storage room in the back. He was almost six feet tall, slim, with light brown hair and a bit of a green tint to it. His deep green eyes glittered with concern. “I’m almost afraid to go back to the house. Alima is there, isn’t she? I thought so. Well, we’d better get it over with, then.”



Last edited by C.J. Mustang on Mon May 19, 2008 1:10 am; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed May 14, 2008 3:53 pm    Post subject: Re: Magic of the Four Elements~chapter 2 Reply with quote

C.J. Mustang wrote:
Chapter 2




At the end of the day, Alexandra did as she was told. She waited in front of the stables as the sun was still high in the sky "as"? Are you sure? Because this doesn't sound right. . Lady Beth kept her word; she came just as she said she would. Only, she brought a young man with her. Alexandra could only guess that it was Prince Makani, and she was right. She curtsied when they came up to her, an avoided looking at Makani. He wore the servants’ clothes she first saw him in, and Lady Beth came in commoners’ clothes. Um, I'm confused. What exactly is happening?

“Good evening,” said Prince Makani. He bowed. more effective if you combined into "he said, bowing".

“Good evening.” Alexandra mumbled, looking down.

“Now, now, let’s not sit here babbling all day. Come. Alexandra, lead the way, if you please.”

The party of three left the castle grounds through the gate that led directly to the city.

Once they got to Alexandras, Makani looked at the house. It had two-stories, with a garden surrounded by a wooden fence on the side up against it. A bit further off stood Centaur Woods.

An odd place to build a house, thought Makani.

Alexandra went up to the door and knocked. “I’m home!” she said as she entered. “I brought—”

“Alima and her charge! How nice to see you again, love! It’s been too long!” exclaimed Suoh as he ran down the stairs and out the door to meet her. Suoh had short brown hair that was tinted with blue and blue eyes. He was taller than any of them, and was well built with strong muscles and was as skinny as ever.

“Now, Suoh, don’t think I’m not angry with you about all of this—” Alima started as Suoh grabbed her by the waist and twirled her around in the air. He let her fall into his arms. She glared at him the entire time.

“Wait, Suoh, that’s not her name…” said Alexandra.

“Oh, yes it is. Tell her, love.”

Alima looked at Alexandra as she hung on to Suohs’ neck. “Yes, it’s true, Alima is my name. I just made up a different name so Hec—”

Suoh quickly covered her mouth as he set her down before she could say any more. “Shush, now, love. We’ll talk about it after we get inside,” he said as he put Alima down. So, Lady Beth is Alima? And some background on Suoh and Alexandra would be useful here, by the way.

They filed into the house, with Suoh in back to close the door. Once it was closed, Alima turned sharply around to face Suoh and took two powerful strides towards him, with wind blowing forcefully away from her feet, unsettling dust and herbs that had fallen on the floor. She glared up at him and stood erect, with her fists clenched. Her eyes flashed and smoke billowed out of her clenched teeth, along with a little bit of flames.

“Makani, Alexandra, cover your ears, quickly. She has a nasty mouth—”Suoh started.

Alima pointed a finger at Suoh. “Oh, this isn’t about me, not by a long shot. What the hell were you thinking, sending her to work in the castle? You know damn well what our orders were, you son of a—” Wait, at first shes smiling and happy, now she's mad? You really need to slow down. and explain all the mood changes, so the reader may follow what's happening.

Alexandra took Makanis’ hand, ran up the stairs to her room and slammed the door behind her after Makani entered. She sighed. They could hear the muffled shouting of Alima downstairs.

“Wow,” said Makani. “I didn’t even know she had such a foul mouth.”

“Yeah? Just wait ‘til you hear Sara. I’m sure they’ll get along just fine.”
Alexandra smiled and started to laugh. She walked and looked out the window and swung her leg over the side of the ledge.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to Cadmus’s shop. You coming?”

“Sure. But out of a two story window?”

Alexandra nodded. “I’ve done it plenty of times. We’re going to have to tell them where we’re going.”

“That’s fine. I’m not going through the front door, though. We can shout it format error.
from outside.”
_________________________

Once they left, they turned off Palm Street, turned onto Pennywhistle Street and made their way towards Beaker Avenue. Such directions really tell th reader nothing. how about you describe the streets shorlty instead? Just a sentence or so for each, with imagery and such, to bring the setting into life. Focus more on settings.

Makani moved farther away from the church as he saw all of the graves by and behind it. He looked away. “I never realized that there were so many deaths in this city.”

“Yeah, well, this year’s a record. One whole family has died because of Steelbacks—a mother, father, their three children, their two grandparents, and their aunt—and another five families because of the plague that’s been going around. And that’s just for these past three months. I would be trying to prevent anything else from happening, but I can’t do anything about them. Suoh and Cadmus won’t let me. They say that I’ll be able to when the time comes. Although, I have no idea when.”

“So, what kind of shop does Cadmus have?” Who is Cadmus? Does the Prince know him? Background! Explain stuff to me so I know exactly what's happening!

“Oh, it’s an a herb shop. He sells herbs for the sick, for women in labor, for the superstitious…pretty much for anybody. You know the garden in the front? That’s Cadmus’s and Saras’. Sara helps Cadmus in his shop, and she even gets paid.”

The lanterns on the side of the street were being lit while the sun was setting. The sky was a pinkish-orangish color, and the clouds were thinning. They turned on to Four Square and saw a hanging sign off of a building that said Cadmus’s Herb Shop with an olive branch engraved and painted on it, though the paint was wearing off. The crowd of people was thin, considering it was so close to Nightmarket. They opened the door to the shop and saw Sara serving a customer. Sara was about as tall as Alexandra, and had brunette hair with blonde streaks in them, and she was practically as skinny as a stick. The man, on the other hand, had brown hair, and was tall and thin. Alexandra guessed he was about 5’ 11”.

“That’s seven coppers, please. If you tear them up in your drink before you go to bed, you’ll feel much better in the morning. Thank you for coming. Have a good night, now. Come back soon.”

“Thank you, I’m sure you’ll be expecting me very soon,” said the man. He turned around and caught Alexandras’ eye. He smiled at her as he walked towards the door. As he passed Alexandra, they brushed each other’s arms. She gasped and saw a bright light as her eyes glazed over.

As her vision cleared, Alexandra saw herself walking deeper and deeper into Centaur Woods. It was getting dark, but she wanted to find where the noise she had heard earlier came from. She heard something from the tops of the pine trees and looked up. In the faint moonlight she saw a winged figure descending towards her fast, but couldn’t see it clearly. She knew it wanted to do her harm, so she screamed.

“Yes!” it screeched. “Make that wonderful sound, that way it will be more of a pleasure eating you!”

She could smell its rancid, foul breath filling her nose full of the scent of raw flesh and blood. A glint caught the corner of her right eye as flames shot towards the Steelback. The brightness shone on its steel scales and feathers. She could see its twisted face fill with fear as it gave its last bloodcurdling scream and jumped out of the way as its limp body fell to the ground with a thud.

There was a bright light again as Alexandra came back to the present. Everybody was staring at her as her eyes unglazed. She blushed. She hated being the center of attention when it came to getting her visions in public.
Thankfully that was very rare.

“Are you okay?” asked the man. “You look a bit pale.”

Alexandra nodded and lowered her eyes as Sara came around the counter towards Alexandra. Alexandra could still picture the Steelbacks horrid face before it was… Alexandra shuddered.

“Yes, she’s fine. She just…she’s been having these horrible dreams and she is unable to forget them. They’ve been haunting her for weeks,” Sara lied.

“Mmmm. Well, I hope they go away. Good night.” With that, the man turned and went out the door.

“Cadmus!” Sara called to the storeroom in back, “Alexandras’ here with…what’s your name?” asked Sara.

“Oh, uh, Makani, Miss.”

“Hmmm…Makani, eh?” said Cadmus as he came out of the storage room in the back. He was almost six feet tall, slim, with light brown hair and a bit of a green tint to it. His deep green eyes glittered with concern. “I’m almost afraid to go back to the house. Alima is there, isn’t she? I thought so. Well, we’d better get it over with, then.”


You definately need more background info, because this really isn't enough for me to comfortably follow the story. I feel like I'm guessing half the time.

But apart from that - the plot is good, it's all developing well. Um, focus more on your setting, and again, the senses.

Anyway, good job, looking forward to the continuation! Smile

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PostPosted: Thu May 15, 2008 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't like this chapter quite as much as the previous two; I think the action is a little rushed and confusing. You need to slow down a bit and give the reader a chance to get to know all these new characters before you add more and you need to give us your character's motives and emotions. Alexandra is barely phased by any events and suddenly, she's quite comfortable to be climbing out a window with the prince in tow and showing him around some random/ mysterious herb shop.

First, why does Alexandra take the prince up to her room and second, why do they climb out the window -- that part needs describing by the way so we know how they manage it -- when they're going to tell the others where they're going anyway? It makes very little sense so explain it!

A few suggestions and comments:

At the end of the day, Alexandra did as she was told. She waited in front of the stables as the sun was still high in the sky. [This is a contradiction. The sun is never high in the sky at the end of the day. Maybe say at the end of the work day or towards the end of the day. Also, the opening line could be more dramatic. Maybe something like: 'Alexandra waited obediently. She stood in front of the stables...']

She curtsied when they came up to her, and avoided looking at Makani.

It had two-stories, with a garden surrounded by a wooden fence on the side up against it.

They filed into the house, with Suoh in at the back to close the door.

Alexandra took Makanis’ Makani's hand, ran up the stairs to her room and slammed the door behind her after Makani entered.

Sara was about as tall as Alexandra, and had brunette hair with blonde streaks in them, and she was practically as skinny as a stick.

Alexandra nodded and lowered her eyes as Sara came around the counter towards Alexandra. Alexandra could still picture the Steelback's horrid face before it was… Alexandra shuddered. [Can you see what is wrong with this sentence? Don't be afraid to use she.]

“Cadmus!” Sara called to the storeroom in the back, “Alexandras’ Alexandra's here with…what’s your name?” asked Sara.

_________________________________

One of your more frequent mistakes is your use of the apostrophe. I'll give you some brief advice:

If you want to say that something belongs to someone then the apostrophe comes before the s:

Alexandra's house, Alexandra's dress, Alexandra's hair.

If you are abbreviating [name] is then the apostrophe comes before the s:

Alexandra's going to be here in a minute. The Doctor's on his way. (Sometimes it sounds better to say Alexandra is or the Doctor is but if you're going to abbreviate, you should at least do it correctly.)

If it is a plural, the apostrophe comes after the s:

The students' cars were parked across the grass.

If the name ends in an s such as Adonis then it is Adonis' car or Adonis's car depending on where you live. The first is used in the UK and I believe the second is used in America but don't quote me on that.

In general, the plot is strong and developing well but slow down a little, describe more and try to avoid confusing your readers.

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