Topic ID: 29949
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MADD94
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 Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:28 am Post subject: Life |
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Okay, so we had to write a poem and share it with the whole team. I however got lazy and didn't write one, so like five minutes before hand i was in the bathroom talking to my buddy and i came up with this...
Life is a labyrinth,
It has many twists and turns.
it confuses even the wise.
ya... i got an A |
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When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide, and I stop and I turn and I go for a ride, when i get to the bottom and i see you again! Ya, Ya Yaaahaa.
Last edited by MADD94 on Fri May 09, 2008 1:40 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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OverEasy
Your pizza is a dirty phone call...
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:29 am Post subject: |
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| If you would like to edit your work there is an edit post button to your right, please don't double post. |
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If I can write one line of one story that touches someone in some way. Then my one dream in life has come true. |
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zankoku_na_tenshi
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry for being late. XD
Well, I'll critique since you asked, but keep this in mind: I know nothing, and I mean nothing, about poetry. I know less about poetry than I know about quantum physics. XD As such, you might not want to take me seriously here.
Uhm... for grammar nitpicks, you forgot to capitalize the first letter on the third line.
Other than that... well, I couldn't find any technical errors, your metaphor is fine...
It does seem to me, however, that... well, this is hard to judge because there are only three lines, but this poem doesn't really make the reader feel or wonder anything. It feels like you don't care, and I don't know why I, the reader, should care either. It doesn't really bring anything new to the concept of "life", either.
But like I said, I'm not a poet. XD Take what I've said with a grain of salt, okay? |
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If you'd like me to critique anything you've written, just PM me with a link and I gladly will...
It goes without saying that any critiques of my work are GREATLY appreciated. *hint hint* http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic9291.html |
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Eimear
*Tea drinking champion!*
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 10:30 pm Post subject: |
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Haha. I admire your nerve in not doing stuff until the last minute. It reminds me fondly of myself. A real trait in a true writer.
All that said...sometimes poetry takes time. Fiddling, twisting, editing to make it shine. I can't remember who said 'I spent all afternoon editing my poem. I took out a comma'. It might have been good old Oscar Wilde. Not sure. Anyway, the point is, this was a good snippet of something that'll be much better if you take your time.
I liked it, don't get me wrong...but I was left wanting more. And not in a good way.
Please PM me if you re-work this.
Eimear |
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fallenangel1239
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 10:47 pm Post subject: |
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I am going to have to agree. Sometimes poems take time to write, or make shine. Although, I have written my share of poems that have been done in a minute or two. But, if you were too take more time on this poem then im sure you could make something great.
I enjoyed what you have so far. But it isn't nearly enough to be able to call this poem 'complete'.
If you decide to continue on with this poem, please PM me. I would gladly read what you've got. |
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