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C.J. Mustang
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 Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:27 am Post subject: Magic of the Four Elements~prologue |
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Prologue
What’s going on, Galen? Is everything all right? asked Suoh.We never use this part of your cave unless it's an emergency.
Yes, yes, everything’s fine, Galen rumbled deep in his throat. He was an old dragon who had lived through many battles for thousands of years and had many scars. Being an albino dragon, he was the last of his kind. Even though he was different from all the others, he was well respected for his knowledge. Galens’ wings were becoming more transparent as the years went on, and his bones were getting ever more stiff.The torch lights lining the tunnel walls glowed brightly, and Suoh could see the excited twinkle in his deep, red, tired eyes. I have to show you something. I’ve brought Cadmus, Kaida, and Alima to join us. This concerns all of you.
Once they got to the end of the tunnel, it opened up to reveal a big cave. Suoh could see in the torchlights the other three dragons, their scales sparkling. He saw Kaida standing by an egg that had orange-red swirls glowing from it, and went to stand next to her and his egg, which had different shades of blue. Looking around, he could see that Alima was fretting over a white egg, constantly moving and adjusting it in more comfortable positions. Camdus, who was standing over an egg with green swirls, leaned over to comfort her, with no luck. She just growled and snapped at him, getting back to her worrying. Suoh shook his deep blue head, convinced that she would never stop worrying as long as she lived.
I have called all of you here today because it has something to do with your eggs. No, don’t worry Alima, there’s no need to panic, as long as you act quickly. Hecate has supposedly found out about them and is trying to track them down now as we speak. I have to know where you will be in case of an emergency so I can contact you. After you tell me, leave immediately and go separately. Cadmus, where will you go?
I will go to Bakers City. It’s near the coast.
Alima, who had finally stopped fretting, cleared her throat. I know a person there who owes me a favor. She’s quite kind and will surely help me.
Are you sure she will want to take on that burden, Alima? asked Galen.
She nodded. She’s wanted a child for some time now, both her and her husband. The only problem is that she is unable to conceive. They need an heir to take the throne, and this child’s perfect for that role. I’m sure of it.
She looked sweetly down at the egg that contained the little boy that would one day become one of the Human Elements that would help protect their kind from extinction while helping the humans as well. Everything would rest in their hands when that day came. They all knew that it was an extremely large task for these four who weren’t even hatchlings yet, but Alima believed in them. She touched the warm egg with her snout. The milky swirls sped up near her snout, and she smiled brightly. She was happy for her friend who was going to receive this child, but Alima felt a tang of jealousy. She wasn’t able to have a hatchling of her own, either, and was hoping that this one would be hers. She knew better, unfortunately. The closest she could get to being a parent was to be a guardian for the Air child. That’s the closest any of them could get to being a parent to these Elements.
Good. Suoh, Kaida, what about you?
I’ll probably go to Talbe near Bakers City, said Kaida.
I’ll go to Bakers City, also, said Suoh. It’s easier to contact each other when we know that we’re close by to each other.
Galen nodded. That’s fine; just know that it’s riskier. Now go. I will contact you if anything goes wrong. Stay close to the shadows. We don’t want any of Hecates’ spies knowing where you’re going. For that matter, nobody may know where you four are going. Remember—they are not allowed to meet unless it’s a dire emergency. Cadmus, Suoh, you two are an exception. I’m more worried about those two little girls getting hurt than leaving them alone by themselves. Anyways, if we leave you two alone with them in separate households, it will arouse suspicion. Now hurry.
Cadmus left first, then after ten minutes, Kaida left, followed by Alima and Suoh, each holding the egg they were standing by.
Be safe, whispered Galen to himself, and stared down at the empty nest. The whole cave felt empty now. The quiet hum that had been vibrating through it was now gone. His task was complete until the next generation of Elements came.
Once Suoh reached the edge of the ledge from Galens’ cave, he could just barely see Alima in the shadows of the mountains. He looked around and saw dragons flying in the sky, swooping left, right, down, dodging others, and ducking into caves as the sun set behind the mountains.
I’m going to miss this place for a long, long time, he whispered. Suoh spread his wings and jumped off the ledge in pursuit of Kaida, Cadmus, and Alima, with the Water egg clutched in his front claws. |
Last edited by C.J. Mustang on Sun May 11, 2008 11:24 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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helpless42
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 4:40 am Post subject: |
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| good. I like it. kinda reminds me of avatar, and dragon rider, remember to add your own ideas and not just put stuff together. remember the best recipes are the ones you make yourself. its a little confusing, are the eggs dragons or humans? i only counted three dragons going places, wheres the fourth? I cant wait to read more, so keep writing. |
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C.J. Mustang
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 1:47 am Post subject: |
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don't worry; 4 dragons are going places:
Cadmus, Suoh, Alima--Bakers City
Kaida--Talbe
And also, there are humans in the eggs, not dragons. sorry if it was too confusing.  I'm going to post the next chapter right now. and also, can you help me figure out a different titlefor this story? this one doesn't sound too...what's the word I'm looking for...catchy, or something. So, yeah. thanks for commenting! ~CJ |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 4:43 pm Post subject: |
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I'm back! 
One Nit-Pick:
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| Yes, yes, everything’s fine, said Galen weakly, but deeply. |
Urgh; don’t use ‘ly’ words! Especially not two in a row.
Overall
Fantasy
I’m not sure if there will be romance, action, suspense, or anything like that in here, but it’s always going to be mainly Fantasy. Ask a mod to move it for you – you’ll get a lot more feedback in that thread.
Quotes
I guess it’s the author’s choice, but why did you use italics instead of dialogue? You don’t in your other story, and it bothers me a lot.
Who’s Who?
These dragons don’t really have distinct personalities right now. This also ties in with the Point of Views below – pick a character to focus on, and we’ll get to know them well. Then show us the personalities of the others through that dragons eyes – that should help.
Telling vs. Showing
Ah; the age-old lecture. Telling vs. Showing.
You need to bring us closer. Let us feel like we are there. Don’t go on and on about the history, what the eggs were, and what the dragons looked like. Show us. What do the dragons act like? Do they treat the eggs with respect? This is a chapter story – you have plenty of time to tell us more details later on.
Point of Views
This is something I see many people mess up on, but I’ve never been able to explain myself well enough. I am actually reading a book at the moment that shows this wonderfully. It’s called Light of the Moon by Luanne Rice.
She’s able to stay in one POV, yet she writes in third person. This is what you need to do – center your writing around on character. It’s hard to explain, so I’ve chosen excerpts from the book.
| Quote: |
| He flashed a quick, wonderful smile, for a moment she saw starbursts around his eyes, smile lines around his mouth, white teeth. |
See? It’s third person, but we’re seeing it through Susannah’s (the girl’s) eyes. If it were in Grey’s (the main’s) eyes, we’d see what Susannah looked like, what his reaction to her was, why he was smiling.
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| Once he and Claude had gotten the horses rubbed down and most of them stabled, he’d paid Claude and said he’d see him tomorrow. Claude had walked home to Anne and Laurent, leaving Grey to head over to the main paddock, where he’d left Mystère for last. |
And now it’s in Grey’s POV, yet it’s still third person. Notice how we’re focused on Grey the entire time? Instead of following Claude back home, we stick around with Grey, staying in his POV.
Last Notes on the Extra
| Quote: |
Glossary
Steelback—a winged creature with steel scales on its back and steel feathers on its wings, which are very sharp. Has legs of an ostrich, a face of a human, and a steel bird-like tail. Has no neck and arms or hands, but does have fluffs of silver feathers around where its neck should be. It also has razor sharp teeth. All in all, it’s really, really ugly.
European—The classical fire-breathing dragon with wings, scales, claws, four legs, and horns.
Elf—Magical people with pointed ears, white, long hair, very slim and pale.
Elf Language
Agnosco—understand
Amator—lover
Amiculus—friend
Amiculum desino—cloak stop; silence
Amiculum strenuus—cloak active (activate)
Amplexor, Elementum—Welcome, Element
Consido addico, enim eccere cautus—settle down, you are safe
Consuetudo—lovers
Deliciae—sweetheart
Elanguesco—relax
Puella—a girl, maiden; sweetheart
Proeliator—warrior
Ravasz ember—fox
I would just like to say that the elf language is all Latin, except for ‘ravasz ember’ which is Hungarian
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You really should not tell us this. (And I refuse to read it for the following reason.) It should all be shown!
Using a universal example: Harry Potter. In it, we never are given a glossary or language. Yet we learn what ‘muggle,’ ‘voldemort,’ ‘house-elf,’ and everything else is, simply because of the context. Also, some things, like the spells, are not explained, but we understand what they are because of what happens.
Hope I helped a bit.
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415 |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 9:22 pm Post subject: |
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This has potential but I think you need to work on the details a little; add more description. At the moment, the action is moving quite rapidly which in general is okay for a prologue but slow it down just a little and give your dragons stronger personalities. The reader knows that Alima is a worrier which is good but what about the others? What separates them? Show it in their speech does one stutter or have a tendency to repeat words?
Also, I'd like you to describe the other dragons - colour of hides, eyes, size, horns/claws/wings etc - and the atmosphere in the cave. Is it hot and stuffy or a little cold? Do the torches give adequate light?
A few comments for you to consider -
What’s going on, Galen? Is everything all right? asked Suoh.We never use this part of your cave unless it's an emergency. [There should be just one space between 'right?' and 'Suoh' and there needs to be a space between 'Suoh.' and 'We'.]
He was an old dragon who had lived through many battles for thousands of years and had many scars. Being an albino dragon, he was the last of his kind.[This could be more dramatic. I'd suggest something like 'He was an old dragon, his white, albino hide mutilated by many battle scars. The last of his kind.']
ever more stiff.The torch lights lining the tunnel [Needs a space between 'stiff.' and 'The' and I'd suggest saying torches as opposed to torch lights.]
I have to show you something. I’ve brought Cadmus, Kaida, [No need for this comma.] and Alima to join us. This concerns all of you.
She looked sweetly down at the egg that contained the little boy that would one day become one of the Human Elements that would help protect their kind from extinction while helping the humans as well. Everything would rest in their hands when that day came. [Too much information! Especially for a prologue. Stick to something simple like '...the little boy who would one day fulfil a great destiny as one of the human elements.']
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In general, I think you're working with an interesting plot but your style of writing has to make this unique, you have to set your own, individual scene and show the reader who your characters are so that they can be related to. |
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pegasi_quill
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| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 10:24 am Post subject: Re: Magic of the Four Elements~prologue |
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| C.J. Mustang wrote: |
Prologue
What’s going on, Galen? Is everything all right? asked Suoh.We never use this part of your cave unless it's an emergency.
Yes, yes, everything’s fine, Galen rumbled deep in his throat. He was an old dragon who had lived through many battles for thousands of years and had many scars This is a statement. Try to avoid these, show me instead of telling. Being an albino dragon, he was the last of his kind. Even though he was different from all the others, he was well respected for his knowledge Last two sentneces were very choppy. Avoid that, have the text flowing . Galens’ wings were becoming more transparent as the years went on, and his bones were getting ever more stiff. Again, that's a statement, so brighten it up with some imagery. Also, this following sentnece stops focusing on the dragon itself - new paragraph. You start a new paragraph every time you move on to a different topic. The torch lights lining the tunnel walls glowed brightly, and Suoh could see the excited twinkle in his deep, red, tired I'd have thought two adjectives to be sufficient, three is overdoing it. eyes. I have to show you something. I’ve brought Cadmus, Kaida, and Alima to join us. This concerns all of you.
Once they got to the end of the tunnel, it opened up to reveal a big cave. Suoh could see in the torchlights the other three dragons, their scales sparkling OK, here's a good start at imagery. You've proven me you know what I'm talking about. So from now on I'll stop nagging you about statements - I suggest you read over everything you've written, find them yourself and edit. It's good practice . He saw Kaida standing by an egg that had orange-red swirls glowing from it, and went to stand next to her and his egg Not sure you need to say specifically "his egg" here, "his own" would be enough, I think , which had different shades of blue. Looking around, he could see that Alima was fretting over a white egg, constantly moving and adjusting it into more comfortable positions. Camdus, who was standing over an egg with green swirls try to find a synonym for "swirls", repeating it over and over again dulls the image , leaned over to comfort her, with no luck. She just growled and snapped at him, getting back to her worrying. Suoh shook his deep blue head, convinced that she would never stop worrying Repetition as long as she lived.
I have called all of you here today because it has something to do with your eggs The beginning fo this sentnece is effective, but the "something" there spoils it. Be specific, avoid being vague like this. It's like you're trying to fill space. No, don’t worry Alima, there’s no need to panic, as long as you act quickly. Hecate has supposedly found out about them and is trying to track them down now Replace "now" with a comma as we speak. I have to know where you will be in case of an emergency so I can contact you. After you tell me, leave immediately and go separately. Cadmus, where will you go? Some sort of backgroun, character development, description here maybe? To familiarise the reader with the story, with the gravity of the situation. Show me how serious the matter is.
I will go to Bakers City. It’s near the coast.
Alima, who had finally stopped fretting, cleared her throat. I know a person there who owes me a favor. She’s quite kind and will surely help me.
Are you sure she will want to take on that burden, Alima? asked Galen.
She nodded. She’s wanted a child for some time now, both her and her husband. The only problem is that she is unable to conceive. They need an heir to take the throne, and this child’s perfect for that role. I’m sure of it.
She looked sweetly down at the egg that contained the little boy that who would one day become one of the Human Elements that would help protect their kind from extinction while helping the humans as well. Either reword the part concerning Humans here, or cut it out. It reads like filler Everything would rest in their hands when that day came. They all knew that it was an extremely large task for these four who weren’t even hatchlings yet, but Alima believed in them. She touched the warm egg with her snout. The milky swirls sped up near her snout repetition , and she smiled brightly. She was happy for her friend who was going to receive this child, but Alima felt a tang of jealousy. She wasn’t able to have a hatchling of her own, either, and was had been hoping that this one would be hers. She knew better, unfortunately. The closest she could get to being a parent was to be a guardian for the Air child. That’s the closest any of them could get to being a parent to these Elements. I'd think now is the time for you yo explain what you mean by Human Elements. Otherwise, if you just jump onto the next thing, the reader will easily get frustrated about now knowing such significant things, and with all possibility will stop reading. It's tiring, second-guessing authors.
Good. Suoh, Kaida, what about you?
I’ll probably go to Talbe near Bakers City, said Kaida.
I’ll go to Bakers City, also too , said Suoh. It’s easier to contact each other when we know that we’re close by to each other.
Galen nodded. That’s fine; just know that it’s riskier. Now go. I will contact you if anything goes wrong. Stay close to the shadows. We don’t want any of Hecates’ spies knowing where you’re going. For that matter, nobody may know where you four are going Stop saying the "going" already . Remember—they are not allowed to meet unless it’s a dire emergency Wait, who's not allowed to meet with whom? . Cadmus, Suoh, you two are an exception. I’m more worried about those two little girls getting hurt than leaving them alone by themselves Confusing. Care to explain? . Anyways, if we leave you two alone with them in separate households, it will arouse suspicion. Now hurry.
Cadmus left first, then after ten minutes, Kaida left, followed by Alima and Suoh, each holding the egg they were had been standing by.
Be safe, whispered Galen to himself, and stared down at the empty nest. The whole cave felt empty now. The quiet hum that had been vibrating through it was now gone. His task was complete until the next generation of Elements came.
Once Suoh reached the edge of the ledge from Galens’ cave, he could just barely see Alima in the shadows of the mountains. He looked around and saw dragons flying in the sky, swooping left, right, down, dodging others, and ducking into caves as the sun set behind the mountains.
I’m going to miss this place for a long, long time, he whispered. Suoh spread his wings and jumped off the ledge in pursuit of Kaida, Cadmus, and Alima, with the Water egg clutched in his front claws. |
The plot and the story itself, I really like. Good ideas, you have me interested 
Um, I think you need to work more on your imagery and development of ideas. Remember, one of the first rules of Writing; SHOW, not TELL. |
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nightshine
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| Posted: Sat May 17, 2008 12:56 am Post subject: |
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| i thought it was very good. i enjoyed it. it kind of reminded me of some other stories i read though i dont see that many dragon stories in this forum and i like reading about them. but try not to be influenced by other books too much. still very good! |
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