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deafwriter_19
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 Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:23 am Post subject: Part 1 of Chapter 7 |
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(Author's Note: I apologize for the shortness, but I am working on the second part ASAP)
Chad burst in just then, “Hey, guys. I gotta go. I need to make an appointment with a friend about tomorrow.”
“Ryan, right?” Steven asked. Chad nodded, eyes narrowing the tiniest bit at his friend.
“Have fun,” I managed to choke out. I tried to widen my eyes, willing my tears not to spill over. Chad smiled, kissed me on the head and left. A second later I heard the front door open and close.
My tears spilled over just then, but no sobs escaped my tightening throat. My voice was unaffected by my silent crying as I murmured, “What a fool I am…”
“It’s not your fault,” Steven’s hand covered mine and I squeezed it, glad for the comfort. Even if it was a stranger’s comfort.
“I wish I could help,” Steven murmured.
The tears seemed to disappear as I smiled over at him, “Actually…there is something you can do,”
“Is Chad gone?” Steven asked.
“Yep, he left a note on the counter,” I explained as I ushered him in. “Do you want some coffee?” I asked him, gesturing to the half-filled coffee maker. Steven shook his head.
“When is he coming?” I asked.
“He called me just as I was getting in the car,” Steven explained. “He should be here in a couple of minutes.”
There was a brief silence which the latter hurried to fill, “I’m surprised you chose this form of revenge. I thought you would do something less explicit,”
I was just about to reply when the doorbell rang. I hurried to open the door, invite my revenge inside. |
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Flame11
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:35 am Post subject: |
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This is GREAT!!!! One thing though...
“I wish I could help,” Steven murmured.
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The tears seemed to disappear as I smiled over at him, “Actually…there is something you can do,”
“Is Chad gone?” Steven asked.
“Yep, he left a note on the counter,” I explained as I ushered him in. “Do you want some coffee?” I asked him, gesturing to the half-filled coffee maker. Steven shook his head.
“When is he coming?” I asked.
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That part... It seems to me that some time lapsed between it but it isn't obvious. You should have something like this:
The tears seemed to disappear as I smiled over at him, “Actually…there is something you can do,”
------
“Is Chad gone?” Steven asked.
“Yep, he left a note on the counter,” I explained as I ushered him in. “Do you want some coffee?” I asked him, gesturing to the half-filled coffee maker. Steven shook his head.
“When is he coming?” I asked.
But other than that, it's great! Good cliffhanger! Keep it up. |
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TNCowgirl
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Summerless
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 3:58 am Post subject: |
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That was, once again, really good.
Just one thing on grammar. :]
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| Chad burst in just then, “Hey, guys. I gotta go. I need to make an appointment with a friend about tomorrow.” |
The comma, in red, should be a period.
Else than that, I can't wait until you post some more!
- Summerless <3~ |
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TNCowgirl
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, well there wasn't really anything in it that needed to be changed.
It was good. Left us at a really really mean cliffhanger. I want to know what he's up to.
Keep going. Tell me when you do.
TNC |
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day tripper
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: |
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You are an amazing writer.
All your chapters are planned out and that's a great thing.
It's not like you write and then tap your finger and go
okay now what. It's like you already know what's to happen.
I'm very into this story, and I wish for you to continue.
Like the others said, I couldn't really find anything to critique.
But I'm VURY excited for chapter 8.
Yes, vury. d: |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 7:57 pm Post subject: |
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*Poke* Short much? Haha, I love it – the shorter the better! (Heehee, I’m lazy…)
Anyways, on to the critique!
Highlighted Comments
1. Show us instead. Also, don’t say ‘just then.’ More often than not, we won’t remember what was happening in the previous chapter.
2. Who says ‘appointment?’
3. Maybe show how teasing his voice is, or how suggestive it is?
4. Maybe have him notice his cousin’s odd behavior, or tell us that he’s oblivious to it?
5. A second later? Rather quick. Also, show what Steven’s doing here. Acting uncomfortable? Hiding a smile?
6. Really? How?
7. Maybe say ‘later on’ or show us that he’s standing outside the door?
8. You keep saying ‘explained’ and ‘asked.’ First, ‘said’ is fine. Second, don’t tell us who says it every time – we can figure it out after a while.
9. There is no latter here. Rework this – stop stressing about not saying his name.
10. This may work, but it depends on the next part…is it Ryan?
Overall Comments
Hey! You never PMed me when these came out! 
Anyways, this was pretty good. Three more comments:
1. Vary how you begin sentences. Don’t start them all with pronouns/proper nouns.
2. Details! You need to bring me there – what’s it look like? Actually, go post a reply in Kitty15’s ‘Want a Critique?’ thread. She’s the master at this – I’m not nearly as good as she is. She’ll help you put in the details you need without overloading it. But really, where are they? It’s romance – sensorary details are important. Does Calix pick at the rug? Is the lighting dark? Tell me everything. Details – I like details. (Haha, that’s a quote from my teacher’s card thing, I love it. ;P)
3. Slow down! Take your time telling us this story - build the suspense.
Well, that’s pretty much it. Short review for a short piece, right?
PM me for anything.
~JFW1415 |
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