Topic ID: 29923
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KookieKatie
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: Alone |
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(First of all, I want everyone to know that I am re-editing it after some thoughtful comments from some people. It was a very confusing poem that was hard to follow, but I am hoping to make it more defined and extended. Enjoy!!)
Why am I alone today? Does he know that I'm alive?
Does she see me standing here? If I say something - will she care?
Does he know what day it is? The day of love - he's got to know.
I'll just go tell her - can it hurt? Maybe she'd like to go to dinner.
It's Valentine's Day - if he liked me, he would say something.
I'll just ask her - that's all there is to it.
Oh my god, he's coming this way.
"are you free on friday? Would you like to go grab a bite?"
"I'd love to. Pick me up at 6?"
"Absolutely. See you then."
I can't wait for Friday
I can't wait for Friday |
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Last edited by KookieKatie on Mon Jun 30, 2008 7:21 am; edited 1 time in total |
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AmberAngst
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Hmmm.....well, this was kind of confusing, since you never told us what day it was. And what did he tell the girl? Was it something important? Obviously, it made the girl in the story happy, so maybe you shouldn't leave little things like that out. Make sure that next time you give us details, and some imagery; show us things that the characters feel and see. "I'm so happy!" is not very descriptive. |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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I agree with AmberAngst. Instead of "I'm so happy!" try putting some more feeling. "I'm so happy!" is one-sided. It's flat and a weak descriptive line.
It was confusing at first--the poem overall, I mean. Maybe you should try formatting it like a poem for two verses.
However, after I read through and was rereading it, I understood it was a guy's perspective and a girl's perspective because of the constant switching in "he" and "she."
He asked her out to dinner, right? That part I got. Maybe, like AmberAngst also said, you should start out with something like "Monday." And then a few thoughts from each. "Tuesday." And then a few more thoughts. "Wednesday." He asks her to dinner. And the the "I can't wait for Friday."
They're just suggestions, though.
Interesting poem--it was an enjoyable read.
- Summerless <3~ |
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fallenangel1239
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 2:58 am Post subject: |
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This seems more like a vague outline of a good poem. It was a bit hard to follow and it didn't really flow well. I think you should use what you've got here as an outline and work with it. If you expand it into something more then it will be easier to follow (for one) and it will attract people's attension better. Also, I didn't feel anything while reading this. It was simply telling and not showing. If you want to create a good piece then you should try to show us how the people are feeling and what's going on.
All in all: If you work on it a bit and work on showing and not telling, I think you could have a pretty good piece here.
Feel free to PM me if you do decide to work on this. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 6:39 am Post subject: |
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Um... this is just too confusing for me. You switch people so much, I had no idea what was going on. Otherwise leading to a splitting headache and the feeling that this just flew past me. It's worse, it's all tell not show. Telling us, instead of letting us see it, feel it, sense it. The words she used at the end I agree are not even that emotional sounding. Sounds like something you'd be told in primary school but instead be encouraged to use better words.
Overall: Listen to Summerless and fallen, they could save this poem if you wished. Just remember, be clear, vague is okay but this is just too unclear. Not even without reading again could you get it.
Good luck
VSN |
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Eimear
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| Posted: Tue May 13, 2008 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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I felt very confused reading this, although the language was remarkably simple. Hmm. I think you need to focus on maybe one aspect of the poem, and try to expand more on emotions and imagery. I agree that the ending needs to be made stonger.
Eimear |
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ChildofEden
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| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 3:00 am Post subject: |
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Yay, my turn!
Well, first of all, I'm all for romance. Love it. Second of all, this was all just a tad too confusing because it took most of the poem to even figure out what you were even talking about and that there were two people contributing. In the future, you might want to work on that. Hope though! It's a really good start!
Cheers!
~ Eden |
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