Topic ID: 29910
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fallenangel1239
Junior Writer
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Country: United States
200 Points
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: Nightmare |
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Nightmares burning clearly
pictures vivid in sight
pain a stab in the heart
his face, the color of death
his blood, spilled all around him
his body, completely motionless
his lips, icy and cold
his heart, dead silent
his eyes, fully lifeless,
color faded from them,
simple black and white staring at me
my hands covered in his blood
him laying in my lap
my arms wrapped around him
his body torn and mangled
his blood now covering me
one hand holding his
the other resting on his face
tears come down like a water fall
my head rested on his
my lips touch his
the blade lays feet away,
stained with his blood
it pulls at me
so tempting and sharp
one blade,
two lives
so much damage
not yet enough blood
the blade calling to me
waiting to spill my blood
mix my blood with his
the blade in my hand
my eyes on his face
the tears still flowing
three words falling from my lips
I love you, I love you, I love you
all in a whispered sob
my lips touching the cold of his
my hands shaking fiercly
whispers falling from my lips
"we'll be together again"
I promise in an uneven voice
a gash across my chest
my blood pouring out of me,
my blood mixing with his
the blade clattering to the ground
my final gasping breath escapes
one final word escaping
"Tyler"
my body callapsing onto his
my heart becomes still
all the pain is gone
-
all that remains,
just two lifeless corpses
the bodies of two lovers
their blood mixed around them
their souls entangled together
peace in eternal love |
Last edited by fallenangel1239 on Thu May 08, 2008 5:25 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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ambercoultis
has no more cookies =(
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27 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject: Re: Nightmare |
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pain a stab in the heart
pain, a stab in the heart
his eyes fully lifeless
his eyes lifeless
mix my blood with his
to mix my blood with his
I love you, I love you, I love ou
I love you, I love you, I love you
my blood puring out of me
my blood mixing with his
my blood puring out of me,
blood mixing with his
I suggest change. You don't have to take my advise though.
Very beautiful. |
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fallenangel1239
Junior Writer
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200 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah. I wrote this on a wim and i wasn't really paying a whole lot of attension to editting. This was only my first draft. I'll probably post a second draft later on. |
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JennyK
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:13 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought it was beautiful. |
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Jaliayh101
Junior Writer
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Joined: 30 Mar 2008
Posts: 26
Reviews: 14
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: dramatic |
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wow....you made me feel lifeless for a moment
after reading that poem i was kind of gasping for
breath. Maybe you should put this poem in dramtic poetry
come on take it from somebody who almost died reading
your poem it was surely dramtic i could picture everything
around you what a great way to end your life with one and true
love. Knowing that both of you were together, forever until the
end. I know everybody says that phrase but after reaidng that poem
i know what they truly mean. |
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Eimear
You've got to pick a poet or two
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 10:58 pm Post subject: |
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Okies, I'm going to be honest because that's what I would expect from another writer and that's what you deserve.
You have talent. And, it seems a kind of creative stamina. This is great, if you want a career in this tough buisness both are essential. What is a definate no, no, is being over dramatic. I'm sorry but I thought this poem was wayy too over rated for its own good.
You need punctuation, you lack rythmn and the structure grated on me a bit. I couldnt care about anything in it or even commit to studying it in any detail because all of it seem worthless since you were using imagery of blood and death way too much.
I find in poetry, simplicity is best. I will and I stick by it.
I really hoped that helped. And remember, I am only one person, will one opinion and two eyes. Others may recieve your work differently, but if you take my points on board I think you will develop as a writer and poet.
Eimear |
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RoryLegend
The last great nothing
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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Very good.. at first I was picturing the scene in the Romeo + Juliet movie with Leonardo DiCaprio..then I started picturing something different which I liked it was really original and really portrayed something deep. I would just suggest that maybe you should take out the part in the description where you say it is a Romeo and Juliet ending type thing becuase then I think you could let the reader imagine it in their own way instead of already having this preset story line and image in their head...I don't know just a suggestion maybe I'm just weird but it might help. You do have talent but talent is just like skill if you don't practice you will never get better and may even get worse...sooooo Keep writing and let me know if you ever need help with anything or need a review or editor or just someone to talk to..
RL |
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Mayfyre
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| Posted: Thu May 22, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: |
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In a way I quite liked the poem... in another way I didn't.
Romeo and Juliette is definitely good material and you had some good ideas, but I think (as Eimear mentioned before), that it is slightly over-dramatic.
The most heart-wrenching poems rarely ever use words like "pain" etc.
To me it is just a bit over the top, especially with the repeating use of "blood" and the description of the body which, while not bad, was not terribly original.
What I liked is your ability to tell a story in a poem, which I personally always find hard. Your writing evokes images before the readers eyes (even though some of them might be a bit of a cliche) and that is a very important part of the whole thing 
So generally: Keep working on your imagery and try to get away from the old cliches, because if you do, your writing will be very strong.
I hoped that helped a bit
Mayfyre |
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C.J. Mustang
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Country: Somewhere deep inside my head, where I can't get out...
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| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 10:31 am Post subject: |
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Here are some suggestions:
| Quote: |
Nightmares burning clearly,
pictures vivid in sight
pain--maybe this can be moved down to the next line to give it a better affect> a stab in the heartmaybe . or !
his face, the color of death.
his blood,<don't need comma spilled all around him.
his body,<don't need comma completely motionless.
his lips, icy and cold;
his heart, dead silent;
his eyes, fully lifeless,
color faded from them,
simple black and white staring at me.
my hands covered in his bloodcomma, maybe?
him laying in my lap,
my arms wrapped around him,
his body torn and mangled,
his blood now covering me.
one hand holding his,
the other resting on his face.
tears come down like a water fall.
my head rested on his.
my lips touch his...
the blade lays feet away,
stained with his blood...
it pulls at me,
so tempting and sharp.
one blade,
two lives--
so much damage,
not yet enough blood.
the blade calling to me,
waiting to spill my blood,
mix my blood with his.
the blade in my hand,
my eyes on his face,
the tears still flowing.
three words falling from my lips--
I love you, I love you, I love you,
all in a whispered sob.
my lips touching the cold of his,
my hands shaking fiercely,
whispers falling from my lips.
"we'll be together again,"
I promise in an uneven voice.
a gash across my chest,
my blood pouring out of me,
my blood mixing with his,
the blade clattering to the ground.
my final gasping breath escapes,
one final word escaping--
"Tyler..."
my body callapsing onto his.
my heart becomes still...
all the pain is gone.
-
all that remains,
just two lifeless corpses.
the bodies of two lovers,
their blood mixed around them,
their souls entangled together,
peace in eternal love. |
That's all of my critiquing that you'll have to put up with--I have no more.  Keep up the good work! |
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