Summerless
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 154
Reviews: 119
Country: United States
3677 Points
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 4:58 am Post subject: Silhouettes - <insert title> (Part I) |
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I remember when Summer was alive.
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We reigned the secluded part of the beach between the applauding ocean and the two-lane street. It was one of those days when spending time with your friends was the safest, most thrilling moments of a life.
“All right, let’s make wishes,” Summer said.
“Hmm?” Alex murmured as he patted sand on her stomach. He looked down at Summer, who was lying in the sand with sand caked over her body up to her chest.
Summer’s hazel eyes glowed as she smiled. "Can I get up?"
Alex grinned. "Of course." And just like that he brushed the sand off her and gently waved off the tiny grains that were still stuck on her legs. He lifted her arms and pulled her up to a sitting position. Summer smiled.
Alex and I watched as Summer tore out a piece of paper from her writing notebook, which she carried around everywhere. This time it was in her beach bag.
"You love that notebook," Alex said.
"I do. It's my life in words." Summer ripped the paper into twelve thin strips. "Where's Bryan?"
I turned to the ocean, and sure enough Bryan was flaunting his surfing skills. I waited for him to fall off his surfboard before I called him over. "Bryan!" I beckoned with my hands, and he took his time joining the three of us.
Summer swept her hair over her left shoulder before starting. “We’re all going to start our sophomore year in high school this fall. Let’s write down three wishes, one on each scrap of paper, and put it in a jar. We can dig a deep hole and burry our jars in it, and when this school year ends we can come and dig them back up to see if the wishes came true. I have wish jars for us.” Summer distributed the scraps and took out four boxes. Alex opened each box, undid the bubble-wrap safety layer, and placed a palm-sized cork jar in front of each of us.
I waited for the guys to say something along the lines of "Why would we do that?" Instead Alex unzipped Summer's pencil case and gave us each a pen.
Bryan lied down on his stomach and closed his eyes. Alex sifted the sand. Summer gazed into that faraway place I often saw her travel to. The three of them assumed poses, contemplating.
I hugged my knees, looked up at the clouds, and thought of my three wishes.
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I get out of bed after my mom pleads for the millionth time this morning. I feel sick, the same encumbering memory drifting into my mind, and I run to the bathroom sink, expecting myself to upchuck any moment. But I don't and Mom looks relieved.
She doesn't trust me, though. "Honey, stand on the scale for me," she says after I brushed my teeth and washed my face.
I sigh and clamber on top of it. "I'm a hundred and one pounds, Mom."
Now Mom is completely satisfied. "That's good, sweetie. You're five feet five inches and you're slender." She records my weight on the calendar, the number joining sixty-one other numbers. "I'm glad you're healthy."
I stare at her. You don't need to hide it. You can say "I'm glad there aren't any signs of you being suicidal."
Mom brushes my hair for me until it gleams. "Lepus, I love you," she tells me before she heads down the stairs to make breakfast.
The moment she leaves I break down and my knees buckle onto the tiles of the bathroom floor. It's stupid. Thinking I could go on with life, as a murderer, is stupid.
This story may seem unclear right now but the more I post up the more the reader will understand what is happening. The part in italics is a memory that Lepus recalls. |
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Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless.
Last edited by Summerless on Wed May 14, 2008 3:57 am; edited 1 time in total |
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deafwriter_19
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 168
Reviews: 89
Country: It's #31 on the Most Occupied Countries List
1165 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:19 am Post subject: |
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YAY! First review! Well, what can I say? This is a very good piece of writing. I have virtually no complaints except for a couple of spelling errors. "Lied" should be "laid" and "sifted" is a bit vague. How about "letting the sand run through his fingers"?
I love your use of creative wording. I have never heard "applauding ocean" before but now, I'm ITCHING to use it!
You made the relationships very clear (Summer and Alex are a couple, right?)
But if you are going to use a flashback while the protagationist (sp?) is in the present, then you need to incoporate. You can take away the telling in the beginning of present tense, put it in the beginning, have her look at a photo that brings up the memory and you know the rest.
I LOVE that you didn't bring up the murder until at the very end. It makes me want to chase you with a pitchfork in Science Class until you post another one. 
However, this is just ideas. Don't have to use them.
Grade: A- |
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I don't have to be a great person. I have to be a great writer. |
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