Topic ID: 29896
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xMysticxBeautyx12892
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Joined: 07 May 2008
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Reviews: 1
144 Points
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:58 am Post subject: A Wacky Riddle Poem |
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I'm thinking of a thing,
Its brown and yellow,
It makes a ding,
Its round and mellow,
It likes to sing,
It dances like jello,
Its got serious bling,
It aint an ordinary fellow,
Ok, I lied,
I coudnt resist,
But, hey, atleast I tried,
It all went into the mist,
I laughed, I cried,
But lying was not on my list,
The truth it died,
Whats more to insist,
Ok, I admitted it,
Yet, you are still wondering,
And, I'll tell you in a bit,
So, your confusion's wandering,
My pleasure is fully lit,
Yet, you are procrastinating
But, please dont have a fit,
Your mind is only lingering,
Ok, ok, I'll tell you,
Don't have a canary,
And I promise it is true,
But the thing that I carry,
Does not have a crew,
It does not get a salary,
It has far too much to do,
So to move like jello all merrily,
Is it's last thing to persue,
So now that we got things all cleared,
And that it's not a rock,
I hope it's not what you feared,
And no it's not a sock,
But unfortunatly it wont be aired,
So you'll have to open the lock,
But your answer will be shared,
So, come on, tic-tock,
And put the answer you gathered,
Which, of course, would be a ____ |
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Last edited by xMysticxBeautyx12892 on Thu May 08, 2008 4:30 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Riedawriter23
La Vampiress
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246 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 4:12 am Post subject: |
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Hello! Welcome to YWS! 
Just here to inform you of the rules here. Remember to check out the rules and guides at the top of the screen labled about and there will be everything you need to know. Try to keep your post ratio to two reviews to every piece of literary work that you post, 2:1. Also do not use chat speak in your work. Use full words and capitalize all words that need capitalizing. For example "Ur" is your or you're. and "i" is I. As this is a writing site we try to keep everything as clean as possible. Thanks!
P.S. If you have any questions about the site, contact a mod or myself and we'll be more than glad to answer them and help you out.
Happy Writing!
~Rieda |
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OverEasy
Your pizza is a dirty phone call...
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528 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 4:17 am Post subject: Re: A Wacky Riddle Poem |
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[quote]Ok, I lied,
I coudnt resist,
But, hey, atleast I tried,
It all went into the mist,
I laughed, I cried,[b] cliche[/b]
But lying was not on my list,
the truth it died,[b]cliche[/b]
whats more to insist,
Ok, I admitted it,
yet, u r still wondering,[b]"u" is not actually how you spell the word "you" A little hint for on here, never ever use chat speak. We don't even allow it in out chat room.[/b]
and, i'll tell u in a bit,[b]capitalize your I's[/b]
so, ur confusion's wandering,[b]again the "ur" in place of your is not attractive nor will it be tolerated on this site. Fix it[/b]
my pleasure is fully lit,
yet, u r procrastinating [b]"r" is spelled "are"
but, please dont have a fit,
Ur mind is only lingering,
[/quote]
Please don't use chat speak on this site. Read the rules before posting any of your works on any site. Here it specifically states that you need to review two works before posting one of your own. You have posted two of your own without reviewing anything, which is seen as very rude on this site.
Using correct spelling and grammar is a must unless there is a reason you are not. Which I can see no reason to use chat speak in poetry. Ever.
Please read the rules before posting anything else. |
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scissorquiz
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217 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:16 am Post subject: |
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it would have been much more effective if you had only used the first stanza. the title indicates that it is a riddle, you don't need a couple dozen lines to play with the reader without telling him anything else. it goes on and on needlessly in the last half. and i couldn't figure out what it is
ps. ding is an awesome word |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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707 Points
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 7:18 am Post subject: |
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okay, good, you fixed the chatspeak. i personally have nothing against it, it's just that the rules require it.
this was mildly funny, but not what i'd call "hilarious".
the last part was clever, though.
and don't worry, cliche is okay when you're doing humor. |
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C.J. Mustang
Junior Writer
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Joined: 28 Apr 2008
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334 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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I know! It's a clock! Awesome poem! I won't give you the 2:1 ratio, since people already have. What would make your poem a bit better is if you put other punctuation except for the comma. For example:
| Quote: |
I'm thinking of a thing,
Its brown and yellow,
It makes a ding,
Its round and mellow,
It likes to sing,
It dances like jello,
Its got serious bling,
It aint an ordinary fellow, |
instead, you could do this:
I'm thinking of a thing,
Its brown and yellow.
It makes a ding,
Its round and mellow.
It likes to sing,
It dances like jello.
Its got serious bling,
It aint an ordinary fellow!
Or something like that. It just bumps it up a little, because it has no voice to it. Putting other punctuation gives it more feeling. Have fun editing! PM me if you have any questions!  |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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5997 Points
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 3:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hehe, that's pretty funny, I never felt it needlessy dragged on, I loved how it did that, it reminded me of someone playing mindgames. It's unique . Very. I can't say much more, other than it's quite funny and very well written.
Overall: This earns a star in my book
Good luck
VSN |
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Eimear
*Tea drinking champion!*
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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Grr! What it is?
Hehe, I too quite liked this, once you get over the punctuation problems ect. It's a first draft, I know- but a good, and esstential habit to get into when writing any type of work.
I liked the way you poked fun at forced rhyming, and that you didn't that yourself too seriously. Poetry is flooded with people verging on pretentious, these days. Maybe it always has been.
Anyways, good job! *Clicks gold star
Welcome to YWS by the way! I mostly, review/write poetry so you can PM if you need something read or with questions.
Eimear |
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