Topic ID: 29895
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xMysticxBeautyx12892
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Joined: 07 May 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 1
144 Points
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:46 am Post subject: Rain |
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The rain falls down
It pounds on me
No one can stop it
Not even me
It lightens up
It comes down hard
But it wont shut up
Just hear me whine
A car splashes by
More wet I get
So much for wanting to be dry
The people pass without a care
And suddenly, I start to cry
They say they care
But thats just it
They can talk and never stop
But they never do a single drop
Of what they say, its all just talk
I try to smile, try to hide
All my real pride, is trapped inside
This, I cannot help
Its causing me
To lose my grip
I start to move and I slip
Down I go, It happens so quick
Down I slide, quite a ride
Over, under the stream of pride
I fall, I fall out of the sky
And I land on something..
Soft and dry
The sun comes out
It dries my tears
I feel like myself
There are no fears
A RAINBOW shoots out
I feel so beautiful
Theres no longer doubt
My happiness is bountiful. |
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Last edited by xMysticxBeautyx12892 on Fri May 09, 2008 7:13 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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OverEasy
Your pizza is a dirty phone call...
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528 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:55 am Post subject: |
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First I have to tell you that you need to do two reviews before posting anything.
The second thing I feel the urge to tell you is lose the color, it's a gimmic and it doesn't help your poem at all. Adding commas everywhere does not make a poem gramatically correct.
Fix the grammar, fix the color, because the poem is actually very good. The images are really great, this poem stands on its own without and you don't need the gimmic to help you out.
Oh! Welcome to YWS! |
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deafwriter_19
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1165 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 4:11 am Post subject: |
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First of all, welcome to YWS!
Second of all, I agree with OverEasy about the 2 reviews=1 post thing.
Thirdly, I love how you presented this poem. It's the first time I've seen poem phrases in different colors. But that gives you more impact. Although, you have the freedom to use condensing language. Like with the "A car splashes by," I see that it's a red car. Use a wider variety of colors and you can cut out annoying additions and therefore have more of an impact.
Grade: B- |
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Summerless
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Country: United States
3677 Points
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 5:19 am Post subject: |
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I like how you put the colors in the poem. It's kind of like a visual poem, isn't it? ^_^
Try adding more punctuation like OverEasy said, and/or try breaking your poem into stanzas. The poem is kind of a huge blob right now.
Hope this helps and welcome to Young Writiers Society!
- Summerless <3~ |
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JennyK
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293 Points
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:03 am Post subject: |
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I think it has an unobvious meaning and made you think which I liked. I think it was too plain though. I think you should be more expressive emotion wise. Also I think you should rhyme or you shouldn't, i don't think it sounds as good when there are just random lines thrown in that rhyme.
| Quote: |
Its causing me
To lose my grip
I start to move and I slip |
I liked those lines. They made me think. |
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thething912
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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| l like how the rainbow is a sign of happiness and how the rain is a sign of sadness. It has nice symbolism. But I hear it's better to live with content than happiness. Ps. They are not the same thing. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 4:24 pm Post subject: |
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Fix colour, fix puntuation and then pm me to reread it also from what I noticed you spoke once in chat speak.
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The people pass w/out a care
And suddenly, I start to cry
They say they care
But thats just it |
Methinks you mean without.
Overall: I got a headache with colour, it doesn't help it gimmiky and shame because from what Tiffany said it seems good, but the colour is hurting my head. So add in puntuation and lose colour.
Good luck
VSN |
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Diva
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63 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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| The different colours in the rainbow actually made me smile and as one of the writers above said your use of symbolism was good although you can improve it by adding a few more lines describing some people passing by and accidently put there foot in the puddles and some of them hate it but some smile and recall their chidhood memories which gives the whole poem a realistic touch work on it sista! |
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Demeter
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3306 Points
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| Posted: Sat May 10, 2008 8:10 pm Post subject: |
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What's with the colours? I think you're kind of cunning - would people feel so good about this poem if it didn't have colours? I found it hard to focus on reading it because the colours were jumping around. But I did like the fact that you changed from blue to yellow when the narrator's mood changed. But then again - would I know about the change of the mood without the coulours? Okay, I would. I'm not that simple. 
Interesting way to have us thinking. Good luck! And oh, welcome to YWS. I'm here to help - just PM me if you have something to ask!
Kindly
Demeter |
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