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God's Princess
God's Princess

by angel19 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on May 7, 2008
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Tiffany Ariel - Part One
Topic ID: 29870
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LoveableLittleSock   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 3:20 pm    Post subject: Tiffany Ariel - Part One Reply with quote

A strong light spilled through the blinds, resting itself onto the flawless face of a young girl. Her long-lashed eyes fluttered open, and smile played across her lips.

Sitting up, Tiffany squinted her eyes to block out the sun that was relentlessly shining on her. Gently slipping off her bed, she landed her porcelain feet into a pink, fluffy slippers that lay on her floor. Skipping toward her door, Tiffany flung it open, plopping herself onto the rail of her stairs and sliding down it with mere ease. Once she reached the ground floor, she hopped off the rail and entered the kitchen, where a horrid smell graced her nose.

"Father, what are you making?" she asked, the words rolling off her tongue like pure velvet. An absurdly handsome man poked his head out from the kitchen and frowned at his daughter.

"I was attempting to make a batch of pancakes, but I suppose we'll have to settle for cereal once again," he explained. Tiffany let out a whiny moan and strutted into the kitchen, pushing her father out of the way of the stove.

"I'll make the pancakes," she sighed, gracefully retreiving multiple ingredients from the cabinets.

"You don't want to use the mix?" he father asked, shaking a bottle of pancake mix in front of her. Tiffany pushed it away distastefully.

"No need," she smiled, taking out a bowl and throwing the inredients into it. "Homemade tastes much better." he father shrugged and wandered over to the table where he sat himself down and began to read the newspaper.

"Smells great," he commented after a couple of minutes. Tiffany laughed lightly, her musical chuckle echoing through out the house.

"Silly, thats because they're done." Her father raised his eyebrows as Tiffany dropped several perfectly brown pancakes onto a plate. "Here you go." She smiled as she served him. Turning around, her eyes spotted the clock, which read 7:20. "Oh dear!"

"What?" the older man asked, bread dripping from his open mouth.

"I have to get to school!" she announced, snatching her school belongings from the table and racing out the door. Her heels clacked along the sidewalk rhythmically as she sprinted to her school without breaking a sweat.

Malory High School was an enormous brick building, decorated with perfectly white windows and a lush, green campus. Tiffany ran up to the entrance of her school and ripped open the door.

Tiffany reached her locker in seconds and swiftly entered the combination. She pulled it open, throwing her books into the locker as she got up off the floor. "Tiffany!" she heard somebody call. Tiffany swiveled her head as she shut her locker and smiled at her moderately-attractive friend Brittany.

"Hey, Brittany. What's happening?" she greeted.

**********

Thank you to Perry, for editing Tiffany and her horrid world!

Okay, I cheated. I wrote most of it in study hall and the rest in homeroom.

So yes. I really have no idea where I'm going with it, and I'm sorry for saying this, but it sucks right now because its raw and not edited. Any ideas for what to happen?


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Last edited by LoveableLittleSock on Thu May 08, 2008 3:08 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Dr. Jamie Bondage   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed May 07, 2008 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I actually really liked it. A few comma errors, mispelled words, and one sentence where it didn't sound right. It was a bit cliché and too perfect, but besides that, I loved the detail put into it. I don't have any suggestions where this should go...most of my ideas tend to fall into a more romantic category. Lol. But...it's a really good start. maybe you could have something tragic happen to shatter her perfect world? Like her father die? Just a suggestion. I loved it! Can't wait to read more.

Jamie
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Perra   View This User's Portfolio
Y so srs? >:)
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PostPosted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:31 am    Post subject: Re: Tiffany Ariel - Part One Reply with quote

I am here with my critique of doom! Although, this really wasn't bad. In fact, I enjoyed it. Very Happy

LoveableLittleSock wrote:
Her long-lashed eyes fluttered open, and a smile playinged across her lips.

Sitting up, Tiffany squinted her eyes to block offout the sun that was relentlessly shining on her. Gently slipping off her bed[comma] she landed her porcelain footfeet into a pink, fluffy slipper that lay on her floor. Skipping toward her door[comma] Tiffany flung it open and plopped herself onto the rail of her stairs, sliding down it with mere ease. [Quite a few of your sentences so far have the same structure with a dependent clause at the beginning of the sentence. Mix it up a little! For instance, this last sentence can go "Tiffany skipped toward her door, flung it open, and plopped herself onto the rail..."] Once she reachinged the ground floor[comma, although this would be keeping the same format as the other sentences] she hopped off the rail and entered the kitchen, where a horrid smell graced her nose.

"Father, what are you making?" she asked, the words rolling off her tongue like pure velvet. An ubsurdly absurdly (and I love his description XD) handsome man poked his head out from the kitchen and frowned at his daughter.

"I was attempting to make a batch of pancakes, but I suppose we'll have to settle for cereal once again.[comma]" he explained. Tiffany let out a whiny moan and strutted into the kitchen, pushing her father out of the way of the stove.

"I'll make the pancakes.[comma]" she sighed, gracefully retreiving multiple ingredients from the cabinets.

"You don't want to use the mix?" her father asked, shaking a bottle of pancake mix in front of her. Tiffany pushed it away distastefully.

"No need.[comma]" she smiled, taking out a bowl and throwing the inredientsingredients into it. "Homemade tastes much better." heHer father shrugged and wandered over to the table where he sat himself down and began to read the newspaper.

"Smells great.[comma]" he commented after a couple of minutes. Tiffany laughed lightly, her musical chuckle echoing through[no space]out the house.

"Silly, thats because theirthey're done." Her father raised his eyebrows as Tiffany dropped several perfectly brown pancakes onto a plate. "Here you go." sShe smiled as she served him. Turning around, her eyes spotted the clock, which read 7:20. "Oh dear!"

"What?" the older man asked, bread dripping from his open mouth.

"I have to get to school!" she announced, snatching her school belongings from the table and racing out the door. Her heels clacked along the sidewalk rhythmically andas her she sprinted to her school without breaking a sweat.

Malory High School was an enormous brick building, decorated with perfectly white windows and a lush, green campus. Tiffany continued to runran [because we didn't see her begin to run] up to the entrance of her school, rippinged [to fit with the rest of the sentence] open the door.

Tiffany reacherd her locker in seconds, and swiftly enetering the combination. She pulled it open, throwing her books into the locker as she got up off the floor. "Tiffany!" Sshe heard somebody call. Tiffany swiveled her head as she shut her locker and smiled at her moderately-attractive friend Brittany.

"Hey, Brittany. What's happening?" she greeted.

XD I love the descriptions, especially those of the characters, "moderately-attractive friend". lol I think it's those bits that make this a parody.

As for what should happen next; whenever I think of Mary Sues, I think of fantasy, because it's a great genre for escapism and Mary Sues are usually created for authors to fulfill their personal fantasies. So maybe this could become a fantasy Mary Sue parody?

I hope this helped you! Very Happy

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