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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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 Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 10:01 pm Post subject: Circus Pirates 9 |
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Disclaimer: This could probably classify as PG-13 as the rest of the parts have been, but just for added saftey of the implications in this part I am rating it R.
Author's Note: Thank you very, *very*, VERY much to all of you who have been following along with CP and critiquing this for me. That includes JabberHut, kitty15, Rei, JFW1415, and chocoholic (when you catch up  ). I just wanted to alert you all to my thinking here. Many of you have commented and iterated on the same topics through out this. Mainly, more description, and slow down. Just want you to know, I hear you! And keep telling me where to slow down, and where you want more description because that's extremely helpful to me. But just so we're all clear, this is obviously not a final draft. Right now I'm concentrating on my plot moving along how I want it. Later I will go back and add more description where you told me to, and slow down the timing, because I know I'm moving this very quickly. Thank you for your patience and kind help!  Love,
~Yoyo 
*continued from Part 8!*
Circus Pirates - Part 9
The next thing I knew I had leaned in and I was kissing him. I could hear the sounds of the Captain’s party still enjoying dessert in the room behind me. Then all of a sudden, the doors to the room flew open next to us. We both jumped and I flattened my back against the wall. The orange light from the room spilled out across the ship’s deck and the little cabin boy marched out with an armful of empty dessert plates. Andrew laughed and the boy wheeled around. He called out to the boy.
“Carl! Here, these too.” He handed the boy our two empty plates. I regretted accidentally dumping my cake out over the railing. It smelled good, and my stomach twinged a little.
The boy took our plates and ran down the stairs to Cookie’s galley.
The door to the Captain’s quarter’s had closed and we were left behind, quietly laughing in the moonlight, listening to the sudden dull quietness behind the wall.
“Come,” Andrew said, taking my hand and guiding me across the ship’s deck and up a level to the very front of the bow.
“Now,” Andrew said, “I don’t think we got to finish.” He leaned in and we were kissing again. I had only kissed two other boys before. They apparently weren’t as good as I thought they had been. Andrew’s kiss was delightful and left me with a knot of joy in my stomach. He parted and smiled at my stunned face. I grinned and he laughed.
The ships bow bobbed up and down in a slow rhythm with the ocean waves. He walked to the railing and leaned over the bow’s railing. He motioned me over and pointed to the front of the ship.
“That’s Brigid,” he said.
“The figurehead?” I asked, leaning over the railing to see the redheaded vixen perched on the tip of the bow. She was scantily clad in a white flowing dress with her red hair carved into luxurious curls.
“Yes,” Andrew said, turning to face me and taking a step forward, closing the gap between our bodies. “She has the same shape you do,” he said, trailing a finger from my shoulder, down the tip of my breast, and to my navel. I shivered, goose bumps running down my skin. He leaned in and kissed me more.
I wanted to think about what he was doing, but my mind was moving slowly, and it just felt so good. His lips were warm and so gentle. The ship’s deck was hard but smooth on my bare back, worn down with age and use.
Things suddenly grew darker and Andrew’s hands wandered. My body was simply pleased and my slow mentality gave no thought. I realized that dark clouds had covered the bright moon above us. A deep rumbling echoed around the ship off the ocean waves rocking the ship slowly up and down. The only light left now were the few stars piercing through the holes of the cloud cover over the ship. My skin roiled with pleasure as the coolness of the night slipped away, Andrew’s body keeping me warm.
I watched as the clouds slowly filled in the sky, Andrew’s lips at my neck. The churning clouds felt like the churning in my stomach. The ship began rocking up and down more violently. The feeling suddenly changed when a bolt of lightning cracked down from the sky, Andrew’s body thrusting against mine.
The rain never came down, but the thunder threatened us from the skies, the clouds only raining far off over the black and blue ocean.
After that, my drunken state of mind was in such rapture, I don’t remember the rest of the night.
*Part 10 is a work in progress! Who'da thought it'd be this long?  * |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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That’s for the thanks. ;P You know, when I first started this, I stupidly thought there would only be eight pieces. Then I got to number eight, and saw that you were writing this one! And now a tenth! ;P
Anyways, I hope you enjoy my critique. What you’re doing makes sense – I really should do that. Just get something written, start to finish. I can never complete novels – I get too keyed up editing. *Waits patiently for nanowrimo to complete first novel*
*Pokes yoyo* Don’t forget to PM me when you post more! I just happened to stumble upon this. ;P
Off we go!
Paragraph Comments
| Quote: |
The next thing I knew I had leaned in and I was kissing him. I could hear the sounds of the Captain’s party still enjoying dessert in the room behind me. Then all of a sudden, the doors to the room flew open next to us. We both jumped, and I flattened my back against the wall. The orange light from the room spilled out across the ship’s deck and the little cabin boy marched out with an armful of empty dessert plates. Andrew laughed and the boy wheeled around. He called out to the boy. |
*Sighs* Come on, yoyo – add a bit of romance!
This is an area you really need to slow down in. Take advantage of the fact that you’re writing in first person! Does Andrew put his arms around her? What’s he smell like? Does the rest of the world go quiet? Does she stumble into his chest when the boat tips?
They’re drunk – make it funny! Have them miss, have them fall, have them burst out laughing. The kiss scene could make us burst out laughing, which will be a great break from the ‘perfect’ kiss scenes you always see. I’ve never been kissed (yet,) but I highly doubt that it’s that amazing all the time.
Also, let us feel like we’re there! They just got caught! What’s that feel like? When someone walks in on you? Show us. Do they blush? Hide? Laugh?
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| “Carl! Here, these too.” He handed the boy our two empty plates. I regretted accidentally dumping my cake out over the railing. It smelled good, and my stomach twinged a little. |
Yes, Carl is not important, but don’t make him so unimportant. He’s still a character – flesh him out a bit. Does he speak? Does he nod his head in a bow type move? Does he look annoyed? Envious? He just caught these two kissing – is he the type to tease them?
Also, I’m not sure what you mean by ‘twinged.’ Word says it isn’t a real word…
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The boy took our plates and ran down the stairs to Cookie’s galley.
The door to the Captain’s quarter’s had closed and we were left behind, quietly laughing in the moonlight, listening to the sudden dull quietness behind the wall. |
Expand, a lot. What’s it like? Are they laughing from almost being caught, being drunk, what? Also, the last sentence seemed a bit awkward…
| Quote: |
| “Come,” Andrew said, taking my hand and guiding me across the ship’s deck and up a level to the very front of the bow. |
What’s their walk like? What’s she thinking – feeling?
| Quote: |
| “Now,” Andrew said, “I don’t think we got to finish.” He leaned in and we were kissing again. I had only kissed two other boys before. They apparently weren’t as good as I thought they had been. Andrew’s kiss was delightful and left me with a knot of joy in my stomach. He parted and smiled at my stunned face. I grinned and he laughed. |
Yea, I’ll lecture you about this later on. ;P
| Quote: |
The ships bow bobbed up and down in a slow rhythm with the ocean waves. He walked to the railing and leaned over the bow’s railing. He motioned me over and pointed to the front of the ship.
“That’s Brigid,” he said.
“The figurehead?” I asked, leaning over the railing to see the redheaded vixen perched on the tip of the bow. She was scantily clad in a white flowing dress with her red hair carved into luxurious curls. |
What’s a ‘figurehead?’ How's she take to him taking about another girl? How's he react to seeing Brigid? And I thought Angie was the only other female on ship?
| Quote: |
| “Yes,” Andrew said, turning to face me and taking a step forward, closing the gap between our bodies. “She has the same shape you do,” he said, trailing a finger from my shoulder, down the tip of my breast, and to my navel. I shivered, goose bumps running down my skin. He leaned in and kissed me more. |
Forward much? And her only reaction is to shiver, when she doesn’t even know the guy? Doesn't seem realistic, when she was sold as a prostitute and freaked and freaked when the guy saved her from the water.
| Quote: |
| I wanted to think about what he was doing, but my mind was moving slowly, and it just felt so good. His lips were warm and so gentle. The ship’s deck was hard but smooth on my bare back, worn down with age and use. |
Since you go into him moving his hands more in the next paragraph, let her be slightly aware that there are hands on her.
Overall Comments
I’m confused – what happened at the end? (Lips on neck.) You went into detail, which is good, but you forgot about your main character! Show us the world around her, but don’t get so caught up in it that you forget to show us what’s happening to her.
Also, take advantage of the fact that this is first person! Use thoughts, emotions! Delve deep into her, and let us feel like we’re drunk, like we’re being kissed, like we’re being thrown around by the ship.
Also, watch you’re sentence structure. I think you only used three commas, and they were for things like ‘“Hello,” he said.’ Use commas, dashes, colons, semi-colons – everything! Spice up your sentence style and paragraph lengths. Right now, they’re all the same. Reading a story with no commas actually sounds a bit like reading a story written by a child (no offense!) The writing has the possibility to be good, but the sentences are so simple that it’s not (at the moment.)
Also, slow down! Take each paragraph, and expand as much as possible – drag it on and on! It’s better to take away boring sentences than to add needed ones.
Also, remember that she’s drunk. You keep mentioning it, but then you let her slip into a sober personality way too often.
Jeez…I said ‘also’ a lot in this critique. O.o
Hope this helped a bit! I’m still intrigued, but work on these things. Write the part once, then go back through, making each paragraph much longer. Then re-read it, ditch what you don’t need, then post it.
Good luck, and happy editing!
PM me for anything!
~JFW1415 |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 7:19 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Ahoy! I notice JFW beat me here, so I'll try not to repeat anything she's said. I'll just go along with my basic grammar review and comments at the end.
Grammar and First Impressions
| Quote: |
| The next thing I knew, I had leaned in, and I was kissing him. |
| Quote: |
| Then all of a sudden, the doors to the room flew open next to us. |
Underlined: This phrase seems overused to me. I, myself, always refuse to use this unless I really have to or the scene calls for it. Here, the door just opened, so I don't think it calls for it. If there's a way to replace this, I'd recommend it. ^^
| Quote: |
| We both jumped, and I flattened my back against the wall. The orange light from the room spilled out across the ship’s deck, and the little cabin boy marched out with an armful of empty dessert plates. Andrew laughed, and the boy wheeled around. He called out to the boy. |
The sentence structure doesn't really vary here. Independent clause, fanboy independent clause. We both jumped, and I flattened my back against the wall. It's that same structure repeated a number of times. If you could rearrange a sentence here or there, it'll flow a little better. ^^
| Quote: |
The door to the Captain’s quarter’s quarters had closed, and we were left behind, quietly laughing in the moonlight, [no comma] and listening to the sudden dull quietness behind the wall. |
| Quote: |
“Come,” Andrew said, taking my hand and guiding me across the ship’s deck and up a level to the very front of the bow.
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Best rewrite this so we don't have that silly repetition in there. ^_^
| Quote: |
| “Now,” Andrew said, “I don’t think we got to finish.” He leaned in, and we were kissing again. I had only kissed two other boys before. They apparently weren’t as good as I thought they had been. Andrew’s kiss was delightful and left me with a knot of joy in my stomach. He parted and smiled at my stunned face. I grinned, and he laughed. |
I liked the mention of the other boys she had kissed before. Really good tie there! Wasn't info-dumpy -- short, sweet, and to the point! ^^
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| I shivered, goose bumps running down my skin. He leaned in and kissed me more. |
Is that one word? I was never actually sure. Word says it's two, but... Word can be stupid sometimes. *looks up* Yeah, dictionary.com says it's one word.
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| After that, my drunken state of mind was in such rapture, I don’t remember the rest of the night. |
Watch your tenses. Keep was and change it to couldn't or didn't. Just keep them the same. ^_^
To be drunk or not to be drunk? That is the question!
If I remember correctly, JFW pointed this out, but Iza was...drunk. She laughed a few times, but.. I dunno. I've never been drunk, so I can't say much; however, just look over that to be sure it's as you want it to. I think she did slip into a fairly sober mood here and there.
Possible description additions
The drunk thing was the only things that stood out to me. Otherwise, I thought this was fine. You did rush the going-up-to-the-bow thing when they left for their own little spot. It'd be nice to get into her head at that time.
I can't stop saying I liked the flashback to past bf's she's had -- that was good.
It'd be nice to see if Carl had any nervous reaction to being called by Andrew or if he was.. well, just to know what kind of person he is. He doesn't necessarily have to say something. Just describe how he walks or if he looked frightened of the drunks or amused. Just a teensy little something about him.
Is Brigid the Figurehead important? Besides her form? Maybe there's a story behind her we'd like to know. That could lead into some relationship-bonding-stuff.
Overall
Bravo! As usual, it was amazing! I just made an extra effort to look like I did something. 
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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Sweeney_Todd
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 3:51 pm Post subject: O.O |
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O.O HOW could he DO that?! She's DRUNK!!!!! That's SOOO Not cool!!!  DUDE! He should be locked up or something for that! Oh SO not cool! |
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Rei
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| Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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Well, Sweeney, he's probably a bit tipsy himself.
Anyway, despite the fact that she is a bit drunk, I would have liked to see the relationship develop a bit more before he goes in for a kiss. Or at least make it clear that he is the type of person who would take advantage of a girl when she is in that state. Maybe I'm just remembering it wrong, but I didn't get the feeling that he would be like that. For me, this does seem a bit too soon for any real romance. This early, it would all be lust. We also need to really understand why she is willing to go that far. Okay, he's nice and a good kisser, but that's usually not enough.
And you're right, who knew it would end up being so long. If I remember correctly, it started out as some random idea in the chatroom. |
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